she's complaining again

my new home

2011-05-13T12:27:00.001-05:00

things, they are a changing...and my bloglife is not uneffected.
i have started a new blog... ahoy!friend

this has been a wonderful space for me and i am glad that i will always have this to look back on.
but i am done complaining...or at least done having a space that is especially devoted to it.
so i hope you will follow me to the new place.

thanks for letting me bitch :)

in case you were wondering...

2011-05-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

mama and i have worked one of the biggest, fullest storage unit known to man.
if all of this stuff was in her house she would certainly be a candidate for an episode of hoarders.
in her defense this is all stuff that fit into our previous house.
and she isn't opposed to getting rid of some of it.
in fact, that is exactly what we are doing.
i came down for the weekend with the intentions of being here for my cousin's prom and heading back to arkansas on sunday or monday (i left b and the mutts there).
but my mom has been trying for quite some time to go through all this stuff so that she can have a garage sale.
so, since i am unemployed and in need of something productive to do i signed on to help.
sunday we worked from about 10:00 to 5:00ish.
monday we worked from 9:00ish to 4:30.
tuesday we worked from 9:30ish to almost 7.
wednesday we worked from 9:30ish to about 2:30.
after we went through the last box we were done.
we left the place a bit of a mess.
i went back to arkansas last night.
b and i went to dinner in eureka springs (so freaking cute).
hung out with ryan, di and the boys today and then headed back to my parents.
tomorrow my mom and i are going to organize what is left in the storage unit, so she can get to the things she needs.
then tomorrow night i will go with her, my cousin and aunt to my gran's lodge's mother/daughter banquet that i can almost guarantee will be at some kind of a truck stop.
but it won't matter. gran is always happy to show her girls off.
i haven't been in years, with really no great excuse.
i am looking forward to it.
on saturday we will go back to kc.
i will try and see friends and spend some time with b before i leave on tuesday.
i am going to brooklyn to see my girl liz!
i also plan to see a dear friend from high school and one of my cousins and her kids.
i will be gone for two weeks.
TWO.
WEEKS.
b suggested, after the house news, that i go to see liz.
i had been thinking about using the money i made from selling my car to go see her.
i told b this, but he said it wasn't necessary, that he had rewards tickets.
i said that i would book it as soon as i talked to liz.
he told me he all ready talked to her and said she would probably have a 3 day weekend on may 13.
this guy is good.
on top of this momilla is shooting a wedding in the hamptons and then we will all get to hang out for a few days!!
due to the dates available to use the rewards tickets i will be going for two full weeks!
i am so looking forward to this and know that there are few people i could stay with for two weeks, but liz is one of them.

this isn't quite how i thought i would spend my time off, but i also can't complain.

next week i will be writing you from brooklyn.
i doubt you are as excited about that as i am.
but i hope you are well...

greetings from arkansas

2011-04-28T22:22:00.006-05:00

b and i headed down on tuesday night.
not even the threat of record rainfall and a partially collapsed road could keep us away.
it was time to get out of the city.
it was time to get down here and figure some shit out.
and it was time to relax a little and be reminded of why this is all worth it.

tuesday night it rained. but i was okay with that.
every now and then nothing can beat a good rain.
yesterday was drizzly mostly, with a little rain.
this was winston's first trip to the lake.
tuesday night we let him outside a few times and he would just do his business and come back in.
wednesday morning bryce let him out and he came back in. then when i let him out later that morning he and luna decided to take a little stroll.
i decided not to freak out.
they are dogs.
luna always comes back and these two stick in a pack.
i convinced myself of this for about 5 minutes...then i put on my VFFs and took after them.
i had almost decided i wasn't going to find them, but when i turned around to head home i saw them run across the street, from the woods to a yard.
i started shaking winston's collar (it is metal) and he came running right for me.
i love that dogs are still excited by the idea of a walk when they are roaming open land.
(side note: some people think pronged choke collars are mean....clearly winnie disagrees)
this is wonderful as he has proven hard to catch in the city.
the hard part was that he was on one side of a barbed wire fence, and i was on the other.
i got his leash on him and then wrapped the handle around a fence post so i could walk around the fence and lead him out.
then me and the dogs jogged home.
after that winnie spent all of tuesday tied to the deck, inside or on walks WITH A LEASH.

this morning, after a pep talk from ryan, i decided to give him another chance.
winston and luna took off around 7:00am, when we let them out, and came home by 10:00am.
i can't explain the relief when he came trotting up those stairs.
i am so screwed when i have kids.
they came and went all day, but i am happy to announce that as i type this to you, sitting out back, under a sky of (visible) stars, my little buddy is totally exhausted and sleeping on his bed next to my chair.

we went to look at houses today. nothing to report. as in we didn't really see anything we liked.
this doesn't worry me as much as it makes me sad.

but i can't dote on that....this moment is far too nice for that.

i hope this finds you well.
thanks for all your kind words and silent support.
it really has meant so much to me.

well, f*&#

2011-04-21T22:11:00.000-05:00

cue it up...

so last night before arcade fire someone made the joke that we weren't really leaving, that it was all a conspiracy for us all to hang out more.
well... that wasn't the plan, but sometimes you don't get what you want.

we got the second appraisal back on the house today and it came back low again.
it would be stupid to buy a home that is worth less than what you are paying for it.
we offered the sellers the price that the house appraised for and they chose not to take it.
so...here we are.
we don't know what we are doing.
we are looking for other houses, we are looking at lots.
we are thinking of renting there or what we will do in the short (possibly medium) term here.
we have options. and they all will be considered...
once the shock wears off.

right liz? (i love you)

the last few weeks i have done so many "kansas city" things with so many of my favorite people.
i have been so greatful for the time and love that my friends have given me.
it has been go bittersweet wrapping my mind around leaving.
and now the game has changed again and i don't know quite where that leaves me...

a few days ago i was working in the basement listening to the radio and the new death cab song came on.
it spoke to me then, but perhaps even more so now.

"and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born/then, it's time to go/and you find your destination with so many different places to call home"

what a strange place to be. i chose to leave somewhere i love. a life that i am happy with.
for the chance to be happier. to try something new.
to grow.
and when i finally get the balls to tell this city goodbye, it isn't the right time.

tomorrow:unpacking...at least the kitchen crap.

i guess she did say "wild and precious life"

going...going...

2011-04-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

not quite gone.
it is nice to have some extra time with friends.
and it doesn't hurt the packing side either.

so that is pretty much what i have been up to.
packing. some reading. lots of friends.

i took some more pictures for you.
this time in black and white for a more dramatic flair.
sorry if i am boring you with pictures of packing, but i am boring myself with packing.
at least you only have to look at the pictures.

OH! but i did accomplish quite a few unpacking related tasks today
1. found the arcade fire tickets that i suddenly realized i had no clue where they were (in a box)
2. gave missouri some tax money, which required finding a check book and an envelope (luckily they were both in the same box)
3. paid some billzzzz
4. bought a domain

that's right. there is a new baby on the way (and by baby i mean blog)....

until then, you get pictures....

e is for empty, to help me remember so i would stop opening each cabinet every 15 minutes

how odd to be wrapping up your possessions in the obituaries of strangers...

lunagirl

winston trying to be inconspicuous in bed

remember these guys?

these are all the boxes so far. not too bad considering this is all our kitchen crap, books, dvds, christmas decorations and my childhood toys and some other crap.

also, wtf is going on in the right window? this strange blurred out stuff.

i made this one bigger so you could see better.

so bazaar.

if it is ghosts, or spirits or whatever i am glad i hadn't seen them until now.

time to make all you working folk proud and head outside for some reading and sunshine.

until next time...

today is the fourth day...

2011-04-07T12:01:00.000-05:00

i wonder when i will stop counting the days...

on tuesday i was going to make a photo post of my packing.
when i didn't post them it carried on into wednesday.

this would be the house pre-cleaning on tuesday morning and winston.

the face of unemployment.

i went through all of my scarves and all though i have yet to wear one, i just can't let them go.

eventually i will frame them or do something.
here are some favorites:

the dogs are ridiculously lazy. i can't believe i used to worry so much about them being bored when they were home alone.
i ignored winnie sleeping on the couch.
why should my change in schedule effect his?
luna loves her kennel.

b, getting his work on.

please note the clothes to empty hanger ratio. i had a lot of laundry to do.

after

then cleaning time

then it was time to set up for book club and enjoy the sun.
luna prefers hers in the planter boxes.

then book club happened. and it deserves it's own post.
but here are the ladies.
thanks for staying up way too late and drinking a little too much on a school night.

somehow i only have two pictures from book club.
i was having way too much fun to stop and take photos.

then came wednesday

so far today has consisted of this blog post, taking out the trash.
now i will move onto a shower, more laundry, some lunch and showing the vibe at 2:00.
fingers crossed.

it was beautiful and sunny that last few days.
today it is cooler and the sun is hidden.
every now and then it decides to rain.
i want it to storm.

hope you are well.

dubtf home buying.

2011-04-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

b and i have been looking at houses for quite sometime in the kc area.
nothing ever was right. i don't think we even ever looked at a house a second time.
right before the decision to move to arkansas we finally started getting a little closer.
we weren't actively working with an agent, but i was stalking the internet.
we had finally decided that we wanted something with good bones that needed some love.
SOME love.
or was cheap enough to afford fired labor.
when we decided to move to the lake we were not able nor did we really want to be that picky.
we were looking in a very specific area. where there aren't a lot of homes to begin with. and the prices are all over the map.
and you pretty much have to be wanting to update a lake home that you plan to be your permanent residence.
so for location, price, size and layout we really love this house.
we had been by the house several times last summer.
on walks. runs. and 4 wheeler sides.
so when it was still on the market we decided we were interested.
ryan (b's bro) and di (his lovely wife) went to check it out for us.
then we went to look at it and there happened to be a ton of people at ryan and di's.
so we went and so did mere, ryan, di, nixon and will. when we went back later bill and julie (b's aunt and uncle) and his parents joined us.
everyone seemed pretty comfortable. so that is a good sign.
so then started the offer/counter offer process.
i would be no good at this, so i am glad that b. is the one in charge.
now we are waiting on loanshit.
the closing date didn't get adjusted on the contract after 10 days of going back and forth.
so we were set to close on the 11th. but that is still not final. it could be up to a week later.
so i may have quit my job one week early, but whatever.
loan crap is stressful.
ugh! grown up stuff!
i am so impatient!

in the mean time....anyone want to buy a vibe? PLEASE!

aaaaaaand i cried.

2011-03-31T23:57:00.000-05:00

first at work.
just a little, but enough to really make me worry about tomorrow.
wednesday one of my favorite people at work was leaving for vacation.
he and i worked together at penton every now and then and i always really enjoyed him.
he left penton for intouch while i was still in the waiting process.
when i started his desk was right outside the conference room that i shared with two lovely ladies. (remember?)
there has never been a time that i have interacted with him that he didn't make me laugh.
i didn't get teary, but it was the first goodbye.
and i felt it.

today was my first day of "real work". a whole day full!

it felt great. it is all so bittersweet.

then my friend joanna, who i heard about the company from, came by to tell me bye as she will not be in tomorrow.
i will see her again though before i go (right jo?!).
but i will miss being able to randomly pop in on her just to say hello.
at the end of the day our EVP came by my desk.
in preparation for my interview i read her whole blog
my second interview was with her. .
it was so interesting to me.
the challenge that is marketing for pharma.
to be innovative in such a restricted and regulated industry.
her mock letter from pharmaceutical companies to their consumers is still one of the smartest things i have read in a while.
she is passionate. she is great at what she does.
she is a wonderful leader. and she is kind.
and she, along with my bosses and all my coworkers, have been so wonderful and kind about my leaving.
so when she came by to let me know she would be out tomorrow and to say goodbye it really got me.
i hate that i am a crier, but i don't know how to stop it.
i don't bawl, but the tears spill out.
such sincere words.
i warned my bosses that i would be a mess tomorrow and i tried to book it out.
in the car i just let it go.
and again now.
i am just so overwhelmed with emotion.

when i was little i wanted to go to notre dame and be a lawyer.
when i graduated from high school i wanted to go to cosmetology school.
when i was in college i decided i was going to be a career woman.
and at 28 i have decided that i want to try something new.

tomorrow is the last day of a lot more than my job.

drunken clarity

2011-03-31T11:33:00.000-05:00

last friday night we decided to use our groupon for a one night stay at hotel phillips.
it also happened that ku was playing that night, so we met friends at the p&l to watch the game then proceeded to the zoo bar to achieve a proper drunk and then back to the p&l to get a final shot of doucheyness.
at around 1:00am b and i walked back to the hotel.
he fell asleep (with the hiccups, which was pretty entertaining) and i was wide awake.
after a few more glasses of wine my mind began to wander.
so i picked up a pen and paper and let it all out.

here it is.
pardon the jumping around, the sloppy handwriting and the bad spelling.

thanks for being awesome.

"tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life"

2011-03-22T16:21:00.001-05:00

trees.
stars.
silence.
mountains.
winding roads.
screened in porch.
walks.
runs.
bike riding.
rock climbing.
wake boarding.
hiking.
kayakng.
swimming.
art.
reading.
music.
house guests.
family.

on april 11 b, luna, wintson and i are moving to arkansas.

i'm late. i'm late!

2011-03-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

(not pregnant.)
just late, for a very important date!
no time to say hello-goodby!
i'm late. i'm late. i'm late!

after hearing that in your head does anyone else hear "we are siamese if you please, we are siamese if you don't please"?
at some point in my childhood disney had to have had a commercial or movie preview that had a clip from alice in wonderland, followed with the clip from lady and the tramp.
and ever since then every time i say i'm late, i hear the white rabbits little ditty, immediately followed up with the cats.
this happens all the time to me. i am constantly playing word connections in my head.
even getting this far there were so many saying and lyrics.
lady and the tramp always cues up sinatra's lady is a tramp
and for some reason, when i hear the cats it is not the chariceter's voices i hear, but my mothers.
did this really happen?
white rabbit of course sets off jefferson airplane and then i think about krista.
do other people pay attention to their thought processes?

anyway, sorry i left you hanging on thursday.
it was st.patrick's day and all though i had no desire to take the day off to get drunk, i couldn't help but think about the many years that i did.
it also didn't help that it was 80 out.
i was like a 4 year old on a road trip at work.
couldn't sit still. went to the bathroom a million times.
consumed too much sugar.
i left around 4:30 and met shaun, dusty and some cider on the back porch.
we kicked on some oldies and jill and kelly joined us.
on her way down our street jill saw some guy passed out on the sidewalk with his head hanging over the curb.
she came to tell us she was going to walk down there and by the time we walked the less than half a block back, he was gone.
we assume he was scooped up the porch partiers a few houses down.
i think it is a good bet that he originated from that party.
we sat out back and enjoyed the weather.
made 3 boxes of mac'n'cheese with real butter and half and half with a splash of water.
it was good.
we played some cards.

i try and get these guys done on wednesday night.
but i got my hair done and then ran into gretch on the interwebs and we skyped it up.
we talked about many things, but the one i remember best is gretchen's disgust with the toilet situation in kuala lumpur.
hilarious.
since it was nice out wednesday too, brad and kel came by for a beer.
then all the sudden it was 11...and i needed to get to ~~bed~~ reading.

for book club we chose sharp objects by gillian flynn.
i started reading it last week i think?
once i got about 17% in i didn't want to put it down.
(note:this is the first book i have read front to back on the kindle and my biggest complaint is knowing what page i am on...and that saying "read it front to back" just doesn't seem correct anymore)
so when i wasn't hanging out with friends, enjoying the weather i was reading.

now it is friday night.
after work today i went to maddy & me to get a baby gift.
then had dinner with brian.
and then came home and finished the book.
it was good. she has another one that i think i will have to read too.

so i have been cheating on complaining with books, friends and one of my favorite ladies, spring.
and i hope you have been too!

onion bunion

2011-03-09T22:05:00.000-06:00

i have gross feet.
i think we kind of touched on this last week when talking about the vffs
my second and third toes on both feet are longer than my big toes.
some people say that you are supposed to be smarter if your second toe is longer than your first.
i am not sure what they say about you if your second and third are...
these are my alien toes.
my fourth toes are both crooked and fold into my third toes.
my pinkies are tiny, have creepy small nails and fit like a awkward puzzle piece into my fourth toes.
the contour of my foot is more or less a smooth line, sickly mirroring the shape of the toe bed in a high heel.
i have wide feet. with high arches.
there is a family history of bunions.
my feet certainly looks like canidates.

a few weeks ago i noticed that the stickyouty part on the outside of my left foot, near the base of my pinkie toe, was sticking out more than usual.
and it was sore.
great. bunions.

i am suddenly 80 years old.

i got a reference from a friend and called monday to make an appointmet.
they were able to get me in this week.
which is great.
i am a wuss and when something is wrong with me i like to get it all squared away as soon as possible.
b says i am a bit of hypocondriact.
whatever.
liz suggested i get an onion tattooed on my bunion.

this is amazing.
an onion bunion.
a bunion onion.
pure genius.
does this make anyone else laugh?
feet are not really attractive. especially not mine.
so the idea of drawing attention to something as gnarly as a bunion is awesome.

while i waited to be seen i played on my phone, but couldn't block out the informational dvd that was playing.
explaining the symptoms and possible treatments for all the major foot issues.
plantar fasciitis. ingrown toe nails. bunions. corns. callouses.
i was totally grossed out.

the nurse took me back to the examination room.
and asked all the new patient questions.
and then she told me that she was interested in seeing my foot from the description the receptionist had left in my file.
and then i remembered how i described it to the receptionist...
like a bone is sticking out of the side of my foot.
as i remembered what i said, she read it out loud and we both busted out laughing.
i mean, that is accurate, but sounded so extreme.
she said she has been waiting all day to see what was really going on with me.
the doctor was as easy to get along with as the nurse.
it was as pleasant as a trip to a podiatrist could be.

i am not getting an onion on my bunion.
but i did get a shot of cortizone in it.
turns out i only have a small tailor's bunion (aka bunionette).
they call it a tailor's bunion because they were thought to be caused by sitting cross legged.
i got to see x-rays of my foot.
turns out that i have a large metatarsal.
not your average, run of the mill, curved bone that is usually the cause of bunions.
my sexy bunionette is surrounded by some inflamed flesh.
probably from wearing high heels to work.
just sitting in high heels all day.
not dancing all night...
when i was in college i used to go dancing.
many times a week.
and if it was any night but sunday, i was dancing my ass off in at least three inch stilettos.
hours and hours of dancing that would leave me looking like i ran through a sprinkler.
clothes hanging off me, drenched with sweat.
those days are long over.

so i got a shot in my bunion...pretty exciting week.

tgfgw

2011-03-03T15:37:00.000-06:00

i can't believe it is march.
i mean, i know february is a short month, but HOLY!
i was supposed to have reached my goal weight by the end of this month.
that did not happen.
i am still seeing progress, but i am not quite there yet.
i am not tracking well. i am not exercising enough.
i will get there...but that is two failed goals in two months!
serious dislike.
the future looks bright though. this week we were able to take the dogs on a nice long walk/run.
and b and i got spiffy new vibram fivefingers.
i got the bikila ls

mine are a little muddy now...
i had worn them around in the house and to work, but hadn't exercised in them yet.
i have read plenty on easing yourself into them and have no desire to be intensely sore.
after 45 min of walking/running my arches and toes were tired. but i felt good.
and i am a little sore, but good sore.
it was also winston's first walk with us.
he did okay, until the end when he keep leaping at cars.
thank god for his "mean" collar... or we might have one dead dog.
one thing to note is that since i started wearing these shoes i have noticed how uncomfortable my other shoes are.
this is a bit of am bummer as i am not ready to be full blown granola.

speaking of granola...
a few weeks ago i flipped open a prAna catalog and was met a version of this


http://www.prana.com/

i immediately took the staples out of the spine, taped the spread together, slapped it in a frame and gave it a home, so i could be reminded of it daily.
inspiration will find you in the funniest places.
the poem that the line comes from is equally as beautiful.
and with spring flirting with us, it all seems too right.

enjoy friends

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

time capsule

2011-02-24T18:41:00.000-06:00

today i randomly thought about myspace.
and so i went to check out my old page.
i couldn't remember my password.
and then i had to think if my signin was with my gmail or my hotmail.
once i figured all that out i logged into my old pal myspace.
or my_____. as it prefers to be called.

all of my updates are from the recordbar or bands.
i have 10 unread messages. all from bands.
i have no idea when i last logged in.
i went to my profile.
i don't even look like myself.

my last status is from may 2009.

my playlist consists of:
first aid kit (uh???who?)
noah and the whale
of montreal
animal collective
kate nash
the bird and the bee
iron and wine
the hood internet
good to know some things never change.

and some things do change...

i match my socks now.
most of the time.
i still don't give a shit, but i guess b did somewhere along the way.
and in the grand scheme of things, asking your 28 year old girlfriend to at least match the childish socks she loves to wear isn't asking a whole lot
i still am not very good at going with the flow.
and there is the link to this sweet little blog.

nothing too shocking here.
i used to be so much better about music though.

i looked around for maybe a total of 5 minutes.
there are ads everywhere.
it was strange to see my top 12 and remember all the bullshit surrounding the order that you placed your friends in.

myspace went through a major redesign last year, but clearly not so major that i gave a shit to check it out.
did you?

according to this article the redesign was supposed to take myspace out of the social networking world and reposition it as a "social entertainment destination".
that explains all the band and venue messages.
the article also says that it's efforts were focused towards a younger audience.
so perhaps that is why i missed it, but i highly doubt it.
i am sure it will come as no surprise to mention that myspace is failing horribly.
i was made aware by friend at work today that the company has had massive layoffs recently.
apparently they laid off 47% of their staff in january.
intense.
am i the only one who completely missed this?

on the login page for myspace you can link it to your facebook in something described as a "Mashup"?
i had to know more.
google led me to an artcile from pc world called "myspace's facebook 'mashup'--why bother?"
my sentiments exactly.
the author jokes- "I'm guessing approximately four people are excited by this development"

out of all my facebook friends three of them have mashed it up.

RIP myspace.
thanks for the memories.
and being my first social networking addiction.

well said, mama.

2011-02-17T11:43:00.000-06:00

"all joy and no fun. why parents hate parenting"

i posted this article from the new york magazine on my facebook last week and loved the response i received from the mothers in my life. mine included...

i won't try and summarize the article for you, because i really want you to read it and tell me what you thought of it.

while i found the article very interesting, the part that stood out to me was this:

"A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters. But the abundance of choices—whether to have kids, when, how many—may be one of the reasons parents are less happy."

this speaks strongly to me and has been the topic of many conversations with friends recently.

most of my best friends are single (READ:not married), in their late twenties or early thirties, without kids.

as we all reach the magic number 30, the decision to and timing of having children starts to be a subject on many of our minds.

in a conversation with a friend of mine the other day we talked about how sometimes we wished we would have just gotten married young and started having kids.

before we had the chance to weigh the option of having them or not.

before we had a taste of total freedom in our adult lives.

before it seemed like we were giving something up to have kids.

i do not look at having a child as a burden.

but i know that my world will change drastically.

and, to be totally honest, it is intimidating. sometimes terrifying.

i am currently in (almost) complete and total control of my life.i make decisions based on what i think is best for me. and i (for the most part) am the only person that is effected by those decisions.

when i did a google search to find the link to the article i also found several responses to it, which i found equally interesting.

don't forget to read the comments.

my two favorites out of the few i sifted through are "why parents hate parenting--or do they?" and this blog post.

"why parents hate parenting-or do they?" is authored by Elisha Goldstien, a Pd.D who seems to do a lot of work in the area of mindfulness, a concept tied to Buddhism that stresses the importance of being present in the moment. his article suggests that when you are experiencing the struggles of parenting you should be aware of the memories that will be looked back on fondly later in life.

i really think he says it best:

"Cornell Psychologist Tom Gilovich "recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. "I wouldn't have said it was too fun at the time," he says. "But now I look back on it and say, 'Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?' " The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.
Is there a way we can become more aware in those moments where our moods are dampened that these may actually be precious or even sacred moments in life. In other words, can we create what I call a present nostalgia? This is the ability to bring that feeling for reminiscence or longing to the moment that it is actually happening. One way of doing this is to imagine yourself many years from now laying down toward the end of life looking back to this moment. What is here now that you're not seeing?"

i love this idea of present nostalgia and often find it sneaking into my life now.
i have moments where i stop and think about what a wonderful memory i am making.
i stop and let it sink in a little deeper and enjoy the moment even more.
i think that bringing this idea to parenting is key.
dr. goldstien also uses mindfulness to relieve stress and anxiety in many other situations.
i will be trying to keep up with this guy via his blog

the blog post from the last psychiatrist is awesome. i love the language. i love the way the article is broken down. i love the way the article is called out.
if you don't like cussing, sarcasm or bluntness this one isn't for you (and to that point, why the hell are you reading my blog?)
i can't find any credentials or anything about this guy.
and that might make me love him a little more.

i think his caption under the magazine cover sums it up pretty well.

some other favorite quotes:

"When a person sees their life as a movie, that means they're the main character and everyone else is merely supporting cast. And when one of the extras-- in this case, the kid-- goes off script, she doesn't just get upset, she has a full blown existential crisis"

" Maybe it's the rum talking, but am I the only one who read that description of the clip and thought "the mom sounds hot?" That's the issue. The issue is that she is a trim brunette with a bun, with glasses, with a look, whose relative perfection is being marred by the time burglar in the den. The issue isn't the homework, the issue is her. "

"The real form of the question, the one that generates the correct answer simply in its asking, is, "why doesn't having kids-- or getting married or getting a better job or getting laid or anything else I try to do-- make me happy? Oh. I get it. I'll shut up now.""

"The guy was in a relationship without any kids, and he felt neglected. What the hell did he think was going to happen when he had kids? Daily oral? "

in his article he touches on the concept of the mom who has it all together. this is something that i have never been disillusioned by.
i will never be the trifecta of perfection.
the perfect wife, mother, career woman.
and i promise that i will never try to be.
(the trifecta of perfection is a whole other post)

another topic the new york magazine article brings up is how much time people pour into their kids now. how people used to have children for economic reasons- to help man the farm or run the family business. and now people see their children as the ultimate project. something to be groomed, sculpted, cultivated into whatever the parent sees as the icon of success. i actually overheard four women having a conversation about how one of them should not have any other children because somestupid% of CEOs were only children.
really? awesome america.
clearly some people's priorities are effed.
(again, a whole other post.)

so where does all of this leave me?
well, besides having two new blogs to follow, it leaves me feeling good.
hopeful even.
confident in my decision to have children.
to enjoy having children.
to be present in the moment. to enjoy them for what they are.
they are not a job. they are not a career. they are not something that i can completely control the outcome of. they are not a direct reflection of my person.
they will be their own people. they will have their own successes and their own failures.
and i will be lucky to get to be a part of it all.

where does it leave you?

as a side note....it feels great to not just be reading, but comprehending, researching and thinking.

doughnuts every day!!!

2011-02-10T11:12:00.001-06:00

so...skiiiiiiing was great! i am not great at skiing.
but i don't suck either. so i count that as a win.
we met up after work on thursday, packed the car and headed to frick'n'frack for dinner.
we got on the road around 8.
bryce drove for the first ihavenoideahowlong.
i did my best to stay up as long as i could...you know, because it sucks to be driving when everyone else is sleeping.
i should probably also throw out that i was trained as a small child to sleep on car trips.
i think i made it to just outside manhattan.
at that point i would fall asleep and then wake up to ask bryce if he was doing okay. i later was told that there were strong winds, but that night i thought bryce kept swerving off the road a bit.
i do remember seeing a windfarm in the dark.
just these floating red lights going off and on. each at their own pace.
from a distance it looked like an alien invasion.
when we drove past them it was awesome to see the blades come out of the dark and into the red light, for only a quick moment.
we got into breck at 5:something AM.
went to a gas station and found out that daylight doughnuts would be the first place to open.
we hung out in the car outside until it opened.
daylight doughnuts is so freaking good.
and the people that work there are friendly and helpful.
i ordered a tom macmuffin...scrambled eggs, cheese, bacon, english muffin.
and a coffee.
and one dozen doughnut holes.
since it was 6am on a friday there weren't many people there, so we hung out for a while.
teeth were brushed. faces were washed.
tyler, a guy who works there, recommended carvers to us for our ski rentals.
everyone there was helpful. i got a helmet and some mittens and we headed out.
we couldn't get in our room so we changed in the bathroom.
got in the car and drove to the gondola.
some nice old people (is that rude?) rode with us and told us that i should learn on the greens on peak 8 and then we should go to peak 7 on saturday because it won't be as crowded.
so we get off the gondola. i get my skis on. we get on a lift.
i get off the lift without falling.
i start to go down the mountain.
and then i am going really fast.
this is what i didn't like about skiing last time.
so i really can't remember the whole start of the issue, but i am whizzing past b, who was waiting for me, screaming that i don't know how to stop.
then i see brad so i am yelling, asking him to help.
woosh.
and then i see kelly, on her board. i believe she was standing.
and then i see the lift.
kelly. or the lift.
friend. or concrete pillar that-at that time i didn't know had a pad on it.
so i chose kelly.
i think i pretty much slide tackled her in my skis.
we ended up in a pile of limbs, skits and laughter.
amazingly no one was injured.
i do have a constantly evolving bruise on my ass, but i will live.
skiing. american honey. red stag. margaritas. beers. jager shots. a 40 of tecate.
and not nearly enough food.
at some point we are done.
and i skied a blue.
then we went to the condo. sat in the hot tub. took showers and headed to main st. for dinner.
someone had suggested giampietro.
we put our names in. agreed to an hour wait. and headed to the bar across the street.
there was a drunken 40 year old in charge of the juke box.
a lovely mix of johnny cash and shitty early 2000's poprockcrap.
when no one was any further than a quarter into their beer, the restaurant called and we had a table.
when b was closing his tab the bartender recommended anything with ricotta in it.
the restaurant is tiny and seemed to do a great deal of take out as well.
it was sooo good. and we were soooooo tired.
brad was too tired to eat.
we went back to the condo and went the eff to sleep.
day two...woke up to a blizzard. a for reals blizzard.
we got going around 9:30. went back to daylight doughnuts for breakfast.
bryce had the most amazing fried cinnamon roll. i had at least half of it.
then we went back to the condo to walk to the lift.
walking uphill, carrying skis, in ski boots made me feel extremely out of shape.
we rode the lift up and then skied over to peak 7.
the trek there was all right.
i pizza....a lot.
my skis cross over each other.
i am really bad at the steep sections. i get up to them. stop. stare at it for a while. and then usually kel would yell for me to just do it.
slow. wide. messy. and usually involving a fall of some sort.
total amateur.
but whatever. i did it.
peak 7 was my favorite.
long runs, with rolling hills and little to no ohshithowthehellamigoingtogetdownthis hills.
it was super cold out and my bandanna face mask was frozen.
next time i will buy a fancy one.
i hate cold face!
around 3:15 we figured we should probably start our trek home.
i was exhausted.
my legs were shaking.
i really just wanted to be done.
then i had my last last sweet yard sale.
it was my hardest fall of that day...until the trek home i had not come out of my skis.
i laid on my back, head facing down the mountain and for the first time thought i was going to cry.
tired. frustrated. over it.
luckily, this was the only time i felt this way the whole trip. and i was worried that was how i was going to feel the whole time.
my cheerleaders were very encouraging and we eventually made it back to the condo.
b, brad and i headed to carvers to return our gear.
it was just as easy and stress free as getting them.
then we scooped up miss.terri and headed back to the condo.
showers. words with friends. drinks.
then to mi casa, on terri's recommendation, for dinner.
again...an hour wait. and again, table in less than 20 minutes.
awesome.
i was STARVING.
and it was goooood.
we ate and ate and ate. and decided that once again, we weren't going to make it out past dinner.
lame!
so we said good-bye (until sunday) to terri and headed back to the condo.
there were talks of the hot tub, but it was chalk full of drunk co-eds by the time we got back.
drunk nude co-eds.
we all laid around watching rom-coms and bad reality tv.
then all of the sudden there was a loud banging on our door.
we weren't expecting anyone.
it was a drunk guy from the hot tub.
apparently he thought our room was his.
we took turns watching him wander up and down the hall.
then he laid down on the floor and tried to steal coke from the coke machine by putting his arm as far as he could in the opening, while still laying down.
eventually he made his way to the sauna and b opened the sliding door in our room to let his friends know that his drunk ass may be passed out in the sauna.
then we got to enjoy watching all their drunk asses through the peep hole.
kel took video on her iphone.
it is pretty hilarious.
at some point we all passed out.
got up, packed the car and headed out for our last breakfast at daylight doughnuts.
today it was a glazed blueberry caked doughnut for me and half of kel's pine cone.
that's right. we went all three days.
and had doughnuts every time.
this is the only time in my life that i can recall eating doughnuts three days in a row.
take that weight watchers!
we then walked up and down main st. in some bitter cold weather, got coffee and said goodbye to breck.

next stop: silver plume.
we finally made it. holy snow. holy traffic.
what a freaking cute town and terri and shane's bakery, sopp & truscott, is adorable.
and if you drive by silver plume and you don't stop for a lemon bar and some fresh bread, well, you are doing a major disservice to your taste buds!
i can't wait to go back in the summer.
we made one last stop at applejack in denver and then it was my turn to drive.
the best part about driving is that you get musical control.
i put my ipod on shuffle and settled in for a long drive.

animal collective. arcade fire.black keys. bon iver.cheyenne marie mize. the decemberist. the dodos. edward sharpe. fleet foxes. fiona apple.grizzly bear. menomena. mumford & sons.stars.....
i made it to colby and handed off the wheel to kelly. who got us to right outside of topeka. and then brad took us home.
we pulled in around 2:00am monday morning.
so happy to see the dogs and to see b's sister aka the virgin vegan.
and...i wasn't even THAT sore.

you should expect a blog on my vegan food adventures with muffy sometime soon.
soy cheese? really?

...until then...

progress report.

2011-02-03T15:58:00.000-06:00

so, january has come and gone.
where does the time go?
tonight i leave on the ski trip.
thanks to a call from kel, i was able to get 40% back on my coat and use that money to buy ski pants (since my carhart bibs didn't 'make it in) and a thermal.
dynamic earth hooked it up with on sale marmot base layer pants.
and i will deal with the helmet when we get there tomorrow.
yes, i am wearing a helmet. i don't care how lame it is. i like being alive and in a non vegetative state.

so...next week you can expect an update on how it went, how bad i hurt, what kind of trouble we got into and maybe, if you are good, some pictures.

but for now.....a goals update.

remember how i wasn't eating out in january? yeah...me neither. FAIL
we totally ate out, but i feel good about the decisions i made and the scale provided the evidence that i was good.
i have worked out at three days a week for each week in january. so, that was a WIN!

on the house a home front, we have painted walls, and now have art in the dining room, hall and bathroom. there is one piece in the living room and i think we are going to round that room out with a big, abstract from a friend of mine. i love the new paint. it makes me happy every day. i will post about it when it is DONE.
here is a little preview:

on the creativity front, i finally started the art i owe people. i wrapped 5 canvasses with fabric last weekend and started painting. they still have a little ways to go, but i the hardest part is out of the way. they will be similar to this piece, which was a show favorite.

two of the five are spoken for. if you are interested in one of the others please get in touch.

i have not started either a quilt or a savings account. all thought the latter is on the agenda for feb.

and as for the blogging?? SUCCESS! thanks for keeping me honest friends.

sorry this isn't longer. or more insightful, but i have colorado on the brain.

until then, be warm and send good thoughts for a safe drive and ski experience!

quiturbitchin!

2011-01-27T13:32:00.001-06:00

you know those master card commercials...where they add up the expenses of something and at the end the total is "priceless"?
well i have a similar thing going on...

gas, lodging, lift tickets, ski rentals....$500
ski coat...$250
stocking hat....$20
googles....$40
ski gloves...$40
socks...$20
food and drink...$100+
cost of going skiing with your boyfriend and two of your best friends on a crash three day trip to colorado?

~~priceless~~

anxiety

i have only tried to ski once before, with my boyfriend in college.
it wasn't pretty.
i more or less threw myself down the hill (we were at snow creek) multiple times.
small children kept having to rescue my poor poles that i had ditched at some point in my graceless fall and bring them to me.
i don't remember ever enjoying it.
i do remember wanting to dump my boyfriend over it.
and being sore, pissed off and defeated.

fast forward to now.
b loves to ski. my friends love to ski.
colorado is the state next to us.
when the idea of a ski trip came up i was all ready resigned to the fact that i would have to learn at some point, so i might as well learn now.
decent attitude to have.
and you can't date b and not be willing to try new outdoor activities.
it just doesn't work.
plus ski trips have always sounded so fun.

and then somewhere along the planning, budgeting and buying shit loads of gear, i have started to loathe the ski trip.
even though b has been more than helpful when it comes to acquiring all the crap i need to try this new sport, i can't get past the money.
my, now annoyed, friends have assured me that i will love it and that this one time investment will yield year after year of ski trip goodness.

but above all there is that annoying naysayer in the back of my mind.
you know her- she hates trying new things, she only wants to do what she knows she is good at, she is closed minded and in general, if i let her out too often i would probably lose a lot of my friends.
that bitch kept me from cheesecake, karaoke, sushi, goat cheese, green bean casserole, water sports and has made me walk off many a dance floor.
and now skiing.

but alas, i cannot NOT go.

so i will go..
i will quit my bitching.
i will ski.
i will try my best.
i will have fun with my friends.
i will recover from the overnight drives.
i will not let that negativenancybitchface ruin my fun.

wish me luck!

ahhh nothing like the sweet, sweet sound of cars getting stuck in the intersection i live on.

2011-01-19T20:37:00.000-06:00

first and foremost
i would like to hand out middle finger salutes to all the aholes leaving corperate woods and using the turn lane that is designated to put you in the turn lane for 435 west, when you aren't getting on 435 west.
you made a conscious decision to be a selfish ahole.
solid work. your mother would be proud.
i have you to thank for both my rage at sitting in front of my office for 15 mintues and all the explitives i spewed as i was stuck behind you as you tried to get into the lane that you should have been in in the first place.
thanks for only giving a shit about yourself.
you are awesome.

to both the the lady in the blazer, talking on the phone, smoking a cig, with her window down and music blaring like it was summer
and
to the old man who refused to stop at any of the three red lights i watched him go through.
high five!

so when i left the office, after sitting on the street my office building is on for 15 minutes (as noted above), i guesstimated that it would take me two hours to get home.
from corporate woods to the ku med area.
this drive usually takes me twenty minutes
once i was on the highway people weren't being too shitty.
i had to get off and get gas, which sucked, but i would have had to stop anyway because my wipers were ice sickles.
since i was literally across the street from where my weight watchers meetings are, i decided i would drive by to see if they were open.
not open.
so then i drove the other 2 miles home.
i left work around 4:30 and walked in a little after six.

thank god it didn't take 2 hours.

so now that leaves me thinking about tomorrow.
it is 6:42. i put on my pajamas and slippers as soon as i walked in.
b is making mushroom risotto.
i am sitting on the couch, listening to the first arcade fire album
wishing i had a real fire going.
misssing snow days.

on a totally unrelated note i have found myself using more commas lately.
what does it mean?

who cares? mama needs wine.

i am not totally convinced that there isn't going to be a major cataclysm in 2012.

2011-01-13T08:46:00.002-06:00

i am not a scientist. i am not a scholar. i am not an expert.
hell, i am not even well read on most of this shit.
but even with out that knowledge (and perhaps even in spite of it) i feel like we are really screwed.
economically. politically. environmentally. socially.

i feel like things are so extreme.
people refuse to open their eyes to plain truths because they are too stubborn to be wrong.
even amongst friends we can rarely have an open dialog. instead it is a fight for who is right.
and no one ever wins the other one over.
why aren't we having conversations? coming to agreements and understandings?
and i don't mean trading evils.
i mean, if we can't do it as friends, how do we expect the thought leaders of the world to do it?

i am not a republican.
i am not a democrat.
i am an american.
i am scared for this country that i love.

and for these reasons, i have joined the no labels movement.

if i recommended a book to you would you read it?
if i gave you new music would you listen to it?

humor me and check out the declaration.
and let me know what you think.

thank you for reading, friend.

"so this is the new year and i don't feel any different"

2011-01-06T09:03:00.002-06:00

i always though that was a bad thing, but this year i know that it isn't.

2009 was a good year for me and 2010 was even better.
so i go into 2011 (cautiously) optimistic.

so here it is. the 2010 rundown...
diets and lifestyle changes
losing 30 pounds
couch to 5k and learning to run again
nyc for liz's 30th birthday extravaganza
karaoke with a 8 foot tall drag queen
job interviews
taking bacon to her new home in indy
completing my first adventure race (running and biking) dressed as tom cruise in risky business
my 28th bday BBQ
31 days in a row of exercise
another summer of fun at the lake
luna's adorable puppy cut
holy 10 year high school reunion
working ridiculous hours at work
this is my heART show
b surprising me with my girl liz
one of the best weekends i can remember having
becoming a flexitarian
two years of b and me
the autumn breeze festival
~~camping~~ drinking at truman lake for b's birthday
seeing real life LARPers and laughing until i thought i was going to puke at renfest
my first time back to pittsburgh in 20 years
seeing our old neighbors, neighborhood and house
it is just as pretty as i remember it
most of my ladies turning 30 and each of their unique and fitting celebrations
kel's dance party madness
amanda's lake house pinata party
h. neighby's huge house party
mo's surprise dinner
jilly's 31st at the royals game
going to mexico and meeting all of our fabulous vacation friends
snorkeling with sea turtles
horse face and mullet guy
our newest addition- winston aka keith stone aka little buddy aka badger
he can wag his tail in a circle
promotions
raises
landing my new job
leaving penton
an amazing friend's thanksgiving
a relaxing thanksgiving day of aladdin cafe and harry potter
joining a new gym
dinners with my high school ladies
sarah having little johnny ( i can't wait to get my hands on this little guy)
seeing gretchy blissfully happy and moving to malaysia
finally going to b's childhood home
thinking that this would be the saddest christmas on record for my family
and the complete opposite happening
a wonderful and lovely christmas with all of my family
no bithcing. no whining. no fighting.
just hanging out, being grateful that we could all be together
like it should always be
then, to put the icing on the awesome year cake- liz and adam were in town for new years
unseasonably warm weather
impromptu college style party on a wednesday night
a very unexpected and much needed thursday night, after the worst day ever of shopping
liz, can you say sweatshirt dress?
and just to seal the deal, my favorite new years ever
amazing food, great music, photoshoot gone wild, girltalk dance party and best of all, my amazing friends
i am sure i forgot plenty, but it was a great year.

i love new years.
i love new beginnings.
i love clean slates.
but more than anything, i love that i didn't need one this year.

this was a year of accomplishments for me
and i can't tell you quite how good that feels.

we started 2011 off by painting the living room and dining room.
going to the antique mall to get some things for the walls.
planning out a week's worth of meals.
going to the store.
going to the gym.

and i picked thursday as my blog day.

happy new year friends.
i wish you the best in 2011.

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLs

2010-12-29T15:27:00.001-06:00

here we are again, at the end of another year.
this has been an amazing year for me, all though i am not quite ready for the 2010 recap.

but i am ready to talk about goals.

in a post from last year i talked about the progress i had made on my goals and with that i carried them over with me to 2010.
so here is a little progress report:

1) i wanted to be a healthier person.
this goal carried over well with me into 2010 and i have continued to make progress on it. i started out the year doing the mayo clinic diet. in april i joined weight watches.since january of last year i have lost over 30 pounds and maintained keeping 23 of them off. i have a goal set to be at my goal weight of 146 by the end of febuary, which is still attainable.
i don't think that this goal of being healthy should ever drop off the list. there is always something i can be doing to take better care of myself. i think my biggest single accomplishment in this department this year was doing at least 45 min of activity a day for the month of june. it was quite a commitment! but i made it and was rewarded by my sense of accomplishment and the loss of almost 10 pounds in one month. i will continue to set mini-goals in this area to help me be successful.
so the first two are the second annual no-eating-out-january and to be at 146 by the end of febuary.

2) I wanted to show my art
i signed up for the arts and crafts show at work and sold one thing. i then put the remaining products up on facebook and sold two more. i wasn't happy with what i had to offer at the craft show. it was unthoughtful and just not me. but i did it and i put myself out there....
and then i was asked to do a first friday at hairpins salon. and that is when my dream came true. i found out about the show in june and then everything got put on the back burner for work. i pushed the show from august to september, but knew that was all the wiggle room i could get. so for a few months i was either working on work or working on the show. i had a lot more in the archives than i thought...thank god.
i made several new pieces as well.
i got the show hung and set my prices. setting prices was nervewrecking.
seeing my show hanging was overwhelming and so gratifying.
the show was amazing. i barely remember any of it. the weather was wonderful. i was surrounded by friends and family and strangers. b surprised me by flying my girl liz in. and i sold about 75% of my show.

this had been a goal of mine for sometime and i can't thank liana enough for giving me the opportunity to accomplish this goal. it was one of the best nights of my life. and i look forward to this is my heART #2.

i had also talked about starting an etsy shop. and it was my goal for the winter, but i just don't think it fits in my life right now. in order to have an etsy shop i would need artshits to sell and i am currently running low. in fact, i OWE people art. so...first things first.... if this makes you sad then commission a piece :)

3) I wanted to write here more
um...FAIL.
in 2008, when i started the blog, i posted 23 times
in 2009 i posted 18
in 2010 i posted 13
so i will carry this goal over with me to 2011.
my friend kelly recently started blogging and her goal is to post something every tuesday. i think this is a smart approach and i am going to jump on the once a week bandwagon! i am not sure which day yet, but at the end of next year i better have 52 posts!

this year i also accomplished personal goal i had set coming out of college to be making a $XX,XXX by the time i turned 30. please take my word for it, that the number is VERY reasonable, but this does not effect the gratification i feel from accomplishing the goal. AND i am two years early :)

so what is on the agenda for this year?

1) to be a healthier person
2) to make my house a home
3) to start a savings account, contribute to it regularly and not touch it
4) to make a (probably small) quilt
5) to blog once a week

what is on your 2011 list?

a box of tissues in and no end in sight

2010-12-20T21:39:00.000-06:00

i felt shitty last night. i didn't sleep well. i was hot. it hurt to swallow. i couldn't stay asleep and i also couldn't turn my mind off.
i called in sick today, went to the doctor and found out it is not strep, so that is good. i got a z-pack.

i have been fighting off something or another since before mexico and i know i am overly stressed, but until tonight i couldn't pin point about what.

i mean, there have been all of the obvious stuff...

work had been stressful since the start of summer.
mexico was a much welcome, needed and enjoyed vacation, but probably not exactly what my immunity system needed.
we got home thursday. week before thanksgiving.
we got a new dog on friday and he injured himself immediately.
the stress from not knowing where he came from and what secrets he may have was more intense than i had budgeted for.
(yes. i budget my stress)
i found out i got the job on wednesday. about 5 minutes after getting out of the shower and about 30 minutes before hosting a dinner for 25 of my favorite people.
a busy thanksgiving break.
the dread of putting in my two weeks.
the insanity of trying to do everything i could to get everyone as set up as possible before i left.
saying goodbye to the people that have been my third family and the one i have spent the most time with-my work family.
walking into a brand new place and realizing that i really must have sold myself well to get there.
and being petrified that i didn't make the right decision.

but tonight... tonight i figured out the real issue.
the biggest stressor.
the one that i thought i could just ignore and it would go away.

when i got on facebook tonight i saw my sister's status.
it read "it's almost over"
i went to respond to her..."i feel you and i love you. try to be strong big siiiiister (enter the BAWLING) and i will too. promise?"
there it is.
the big one.
my sister and her family are not coming home for christmas and it is fucking killing me. her. mom. dad. all of us.
i picked up the phone so we could cry about it together for the first time.and cry we did.
cry and cry and cry and cry.
and now i, like my mom and sister have apparently been for weeks, can't stop crying.
my be strong mantra is something like "we should be thankful to have something so wonderful that i hurts us this much to go without it"
but it doesn't help.
and trying to be strong wasn't helping either.

this is the first time in the existence of our family that we haven't all been together.
i won't really know what to do with myself.
i don't really know what to do with myself.
i could sit here and list all of the things that will feel wrong or be missing but that would be torture.
i think that i can sum it up by saying that this will be the hardest christmas for this family thus far.
i am so sad. sadder than i have been in a long time. and all the people i love the most are just as sad. and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. but find comfort in the fact that we are all in the same place emotionally, if not physically.
and promise that we will never let it happen again.

now i understand why i brought up all my christmas shit, unpacked it, and then put it away.
why i have had no desire to make gifts for anyone, when usually i can't wait.
why i have been avoiding the idea of christmas like the plague.
why i did most of my shopping online, in one night.
why i teared up at target when i saw the silly christmas jammies.

so here i am, sitting on my couch, listening to sigur ros, bawling, and counting down with my family until the 26th of december.

but it is amazing how much better my throat feels when i am crying.
and how much loser my body feels.
and how good it feels to finally just feel it.

i have literally made myself sick from keeping all this sad inside me.

we will get through this. but please excuse my emotional unavailability until then.

'tis the season

2010-12-19T22:46:00.000-06:00

friday morning i woke up feeling less than good.
friday evening i left work feeling like crap.
friday night i missed craft night, had a kickin fever and hated the idea of swallowing my own spit, let alone anything else.

i also started my now twice daily regimen:
1/8 tsp cayanne pepper in about 8 oz hot water. gargle. spit. repeat until you can't take any more.
2 TBSP apple cider vinnegar. 3 TBSP water. plus nose. gargle. swallow. repeat until gone. try not to barf. rise out mouth with water.
chug emergen-c
drink hot tea, honey, lemon

also: tylenol every six hours and cold compresses whenever b calls me an inferno.

i still felt crappy when i got up this morning, but less crappy than yesterday.
today we went to lunch, costo and cleaned the house...well most of the house.

i did not get nearly the amount of stuff done that i needed to get done this weekend.
but i fear that i also didn't get all the rest i needed to get.
also on friday night one of my dear friends delivered a happy, healthy baby boy!!
urgh. i want to snuggle that little guy!

this is the worst time to be sick!
i still don't feel 100%. i will reassess the situation tomorrow and see if i should go to work or go to the doctor.
i hate to be the new girl that calls in sick, but i also hate to be the new girl that gets everyone sick before christmas.

i also hate to be the girl that is sick at christmas.

apple cider vinegar, here i come.
healing thoughts please!

new j.o.b.

2010-12-14T20:54:00.000-06:00

i was trying to update my facebook status in response to people asking about my new job, but if kept being too long.

so i figured i would bring it here.

it has been quite some time.

i started a new job yesterday.
this is my second job of my adult life.
it reminds me of starting a new semester in college.
first of all, all i was really thinking about last week was what the hell am i going to wear on my first day?
seriously.
of course i was dreading my last day and saying goodbye to these people that i have spent the last 4 years of my life with.
but my residing thought was about my clothing.

yesterday was pretty comparable to a first day of class.
meet new people whose names you can't remember.
see your new desk for the first time.
get information on who to contact about what. how things work. where things are. what is expected from you.

i don 't have ~~an office~~ a cube yet. i share a small conference room with two other girls. we are all fairly new. we all do different things. but it is a nice way to get to know new people. the conference room is a corner room, so we have lots of sunlight in the afternoon. i don't have a phone yet. i don't have a docking station or monitor. i do have a mouse. and i am going to ask for a keyboard. i always manage to hit the mouse pad or cursor and mess myself up mid-sentence.

the people seem to be very busy, but generally happy. the office has a certain energy to it. people are focused and getting things done. people look you in the eye and are kind.the kitchens are stocked with soda, tea, coffee, water and have been overflowing with food from the holidays. the demographics of the people that i work with at the new job are totally different than before. the culture is totally different.
the job is totally different.

most of the account team members that i have met come from an agency background....advertising, PR or marketing.
but they knew i didn't have that. that isn't what i will bring to this team.
what i bring to this team is my experience working with clients. making them happy. building a relationship with them. communicating clearly and concisely with them.i bring my organizational and time management skills. my ability to stay at least on top of-if not ahead of-the game.

i don't have to dress up any more than i did before, but i feel like i need to look nicer. this is not a bad thing.

today i spent time getting familiar with the products i will be working with and their websites, twitter accounts and facebook pages. i set up meetings to learn about the different departments and their functions. i am going to be sitting in on some client calls and strategy type meetings. i went through training on how to bill clients and use the internal IT ticketing system.

i am going to be learning a lot.
and i am excited about it.

i have always wanted to work at an agency. and i am excited about this opportunity. it feels great to be in such a creative and fast paced environment.
so there :) that is how my job is going

a big goal to cross off my list and a dream come true

2010-08-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

friends, please come share this very special and important night with me!
i know i am a bad blogger, but i hope you will think i am a better creator

i hope this find you well and i hope to see you at the show!
with love, pure childhood excitement and real grown up nerves...
t

echo...echo...echoooooo

2010-06-02T22:14:00.001-05:00

is there anyone out there?

my lord it has been a minute!
my last post was on march 21. and i talked about lacking motivation...ya think?

okay, so it is june 2.
here is what you have missed and or been a part of
i was alllllll diet last time we talked.
i was going to reread the mayo clinic diet, i was going to educate myself and rededicate myself to my pursuit of healthiness.
i didn't reread the mayo clinic book.
in fact, i think all that i read since then is a chealsea handler book for book club.

but i did join weight watchers. april 25.
like full blown go to meetings weight watchers. people are more successful if they attend the meetings and i must be successful. i want to be a healthy person!
i can't fail two diets in one year.
EXCUSE ME! did i say two diets? one diet, one lifestyle change. hehe.

i am currently down 6.6 pounds and things are going well.
i am stil doing couch 2 5k. i know it is a 9 week program, but it has been more for me. i finally did my first 25 minute run last weekend and it felt great!

my goal for this month is 45 minutes of (at least) moderate activity a day. every day.
two days in and i am kicking ass.

lots of other things have happened in the last few months.
bacon finally found a home, which involved a last minute weekend road trip to indianapolis with sarah.which was awesome. perhaps i will tell you all about the vet situation, but i am not ready to relive it yet and i also haven't decided how i feel about it. anyway, it was great to get to catch up. that is the most time that we had spent together since high school, so it was great that somewhere, someway, somethings will always just be a certain way.

this is the first time in since i was 20 that i don't have a pet of my very own. of course, there is luna. (who got a puppy cut and is stupid cute)

we have been camping for the first time this season and also made it down to the lake all ready.
i got up on the wake board every try.
this felt good.
once i was up i would start to think about what i need to do next.
and then i would eat shit.
wake boarding. wake surfing. still both things that i never thought i would be into, but really enjoy.
i also got to tube. i am tubing a badass.

i dyed my hair blonde. twice.
i got a promotion at work.
i turned twenty eight.
i officially moved in with bryce.
and i will be showing my artshits at hairpins (an adorable salon owned by a fabulous friend) in late fall.

i am loving looking at all these blogs and gathering inspiration.
this weekend i hope to get the rest of my things gone through. unpacked. repacked or relocated. then i hope to be able to set up a little space in the guest room to let the inspiration flow.
i also need to hit up some garage sales/antique malls/thrift stores and/or see if anyone has old wood, windows, whatever.

if you do hit me up.

i hope to share my progress.

i am also thinking about starting a new blog.

and planting this seed in the back of my mind

we are almost half way through this year all ready.
i can hardly believe it.
i hope life has been kind to you...

here are a few things that are making me drool

can a bitch get some motivation?

2010-03-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

what is going on with me!?
i still have the eye on the prize, but can't seem to get myself to play by the rules and make smart decisions.
i think i need to reread the diet book, pick up "in defense of food" and really get motivated again.
the eight inches of snow aren't helping.
i am doing pretty well on exercising. it is the making smart decisions part that i could get better at.
i got down to 166 and then the scale went back up to 170 and has stayed right around there for a week now.
i need to take my measurements. if i have shown some progress there then it will probably motivate me to want to continue to improve. but if i show no progress, what will that do to the motivation?
i am such a pussy.
after this message i am going to make some breakfast, sit down with some cookbooks and the mayo clinic journal and plan a week worth of meals. (except wednesday...that is opera night)
having a plan and sticking to it is a habit i need to form.
i also need to make it to the gym today to finish w1d3 of couchto5k.
i tired to be flexible in my gym schedule last week and it just didn't work out well. i still made it monday night for bodyweights and the first c25k. tuesday beans and i met in the morning and lifted and did some floor work.
wednesday we met in the morning with our trainer and then did c25k after work. then thursday i didn't get up before work and go to the gym, when i knew i wouldn't be working out Thursday night. friday i was going to meet jill in the mornin, but then decided i would go after work. and then i just never went.
i did go out to dinner and drank a lot of wine and a lot of gin and a lot of tequila. i haven't been drunk in a while and it was fun. we had a living room dance party and i tried to work my abs as much as possible.

i am not kidding.

side note...i don't recommend the farmhouse.

yesterday we got up, i ate biscuits and gravy. then slept for 3 hours. took a shower. went to a mary kay party (don't be jealous), drank beer and ate cheese fries and pizza watching KU choke. and then i did nothing all night.
see where things went wrong?
the only plants i ate yesterday were strawberries, grapes, tomatoes on cheese fries and canned mushrooms that i mostly picked off of my pizza.
and the only exercise i got was walking up 3 flights of stairs to get to momilla's.
*sigh* i am going to try and take measurements today.

sincerely,
snowinginspring, kck

i hate running. probably because i am not good at it.

2010-02-17T20:58:00.000-06:00

when i played soccer we used to have to run between 5 and 9 miles almost every practice....in the hot and in the cold and through all kinds of strains, sprains and high school hangovers...

and i hated it.
with all my being.

i played with a lot of girls who were runners. who loved running. and who still love running.

and were good at it.

i was bad at it.

so i hated it even more, naturally

(read: i have a hard time doing things that i don't know that i will be good at. it is an issue, but i am getting better)

and i decided to hate running forever.

but recently bryce and i were talking about running 5ks and i realized that i think it would be a cool accomplishment.

and i thought about couch-to-5k

the idea really intrugies me.

and it is an accomplishable goal.

i think at some point i will do it.

with that being said...my knee is not cooperating.

it was hurting pretty bad for a while and then i stopped doing zumba about a month ago...and started doing pilates and yoga with training and body weights.

then, when i started doing two hours at the gym, i started doing cardio again.

and i was really enjoying it.
my knee hurt a little,.sometimes. but not like it was before.
saturday i did pilates at 9am. then lifted for about 25 minutes. and did 45 minutes of cardio.
sunday i didn't make it to the gym.
monday i went to a class that is an hour long, alternating 10 min or cardio with 10 minutes of "toning"...like hand weights and leg lifts. then did 45 min of the elliptical and then 15 minutes of stretching.
last night i did the elliptical for 40 minutes, walked for about 15
and then beans and i worked out with our trainer.
my knee was a little achy before. and after.
tonight i went and walked for about twenty minutes and then went to do
a weights class and had to leave.
i left twenty minutes into class and went and bought a knee brace (that i should have done a while ago) and then cried about it.
it is really frustrating. i feel that same shitty feeling i did when i hurt my foot last january.

i am going to wear the brace to work out in. continue taking aleve as the doctor suggested and hope that it stops being sore.

but i think that i am going to need to go back and probably get an mri to see what the problem is.

i can feel and hear that something isn't right.
i am just not ready to be able to work out.if something is wrong.

it is the way to make calories go away. if i am eating a little worse i can make up for it on the elliptical.
so maybe my knee shitting out on me will be a nice way to learn to get my diet reigned in.

blah.

stuck at 168. but still have lots of drive.

the first weekend in march i am doing to go a two day cleanse and then back to the "lost ie" phase of the diet for two weeks.

the beginning of april i go to nyc for liz's 30th. and i would like to be in the low 160s by then.

i hope things are good for you.

one month until the spring equinox...

mmm. i can't wait!

mirror, mirror

2010-02-13T13:23:00.000-06:00

i used to have a lot of pictures of myself. a lot of them i took myself.
days like today, slightly bright and completely cloudy used to be my favorite.
i haven't taken pictures in a lot time.
i finally want to again.

lifechange freeish

2010-02-03T21:23:00.000-06:00

i just discovered that i have a have fallen in love with year long blogs.
i fell in love with the idea of 3191 a year of mornings after reading a recommendation in real simple.
~~i freaking love real simple.~~
it is about two friends, who are 3191 miles apart
one in portland, maine and one in portland, orgeon...
who each take a picutre every morning and post it to each other as a blog.
which then became a book.

i love this idea.

i couldn't help but think of liz and wish that we had something like it.

(liz read: sorry i just ruined your christmas present. i will hand deliver it in april. promise)

i recently watched julie and julia recently and really enjoyed it.
and really wished that i would have read the book first.
and the blog too.

i have looked at weight-loss blogs that people post on daily.

i love when people do 365 days on flickr.

today gretch sent me a link to dust breeding.
this guy is making a thing everyday for 365 days (or more).
paintings and drawings and songs and videos and crafts.
thank you gretchy.
it is really great.

as soon as i read her description and saw his work i thought:

i want to do a 365.

but what a big undertaking!
you can't just say that you will do something for the next 365 days and then not follow through.
i haven't even gone 365 days straight with brushing my teeth in my life!
the only things that i can guarantee that i do daily are things i must do so i don't die.
you know...blinking, breathing.going to the ladies...all that jazz.

that is a lot of pressure.
i would hate to let you down.
what would i pick?
how insane will it make the b man?
this is something i am going to think about for a while.
maybe once i am looking for a new challenge i will look back to this
until then, any suggestions?

off to tally up the calories...

get ur eagle on.

2010-01-31T22:23:00.004-06:00

i am starting to get my confidence back.
i met up with gretch on friday after work.
she had a shit day.
we went to happy hour. i drank three tequila/soda/lime-s. and ate half of a philly (no side).
we extended happy hour to another bar for some other type of tequila drink. got in an argument with a guy who hosts parties to promote a med spa in joco (think: forty two, flamboyant and pumped full of botox...did i mention drunk and obnixious?)
we were having too much fun.
gretch even told jokes!
i decided this kind of night it worthy of a hangover and we agreed to make this a late night situation
around 10 we went to gusto.
had a gin and tonic while we listened to some smooooooth old 45s and then decided to go upstairs and check out the dj.
gretch got me some lovely stawberry, booze, cilantro combination.
and then we started dancing.
this was around 10:45.
at 2:00 in the morning i walked off the dance floor, drenched in sweat, with my feet killing me.

that was one of the best workouts i have had in a long time.
and my feet are still sore, my abs hurt, my legs ache, and my shoulders feel thoroughly worked.
it was a 3 hour, full body workout.
i look forward to doing in all over again, minus the hangover.

i hadn't had that kind of fun in a long time.
i hadn't felt good enough about myself to get out there and dance for a while.
i hadn't really wanted to go out a lot, because i wasn't happy with the way i looked.
i don't like the way my clothes have been fitting.
i hate trying on everything in my closet and picking the one that touches me the least. i am not ashamed of myself, i just know that i am not at my best.
but that have the ability to change that.
yesterday i put on some jeans that i got for christmas.
when my mom gave them to me they did not fit.
i could button them, but they weren't comfortable.
and gave me a pretty rockin muffin top.
yesterday i put them on.
they fit!
it is those "fuck yes" moments that i try to turn to when faced with making the healthy choice.
it doesn't always work, but most of the time it does the job.
this week was a god week for me.
monday jill and i did pilates...bryce and i can't remember what we ate on monday ( i have been really bad about keeping logs), but it was vegetables of some sort.
tuesday i walked before we did training and then holly came over after. we ate spianch, tomato, mozz and olive oil on flat out bread.
wednesday night i just came home from work and gretch came over and we had the quiona stuffed bell peppers.
super good vegan dish.
thursday morning jill and i worked out early.
i fell out of the morning workouts in the late fall and so it was nice to be reminded of how much i liked it.even if i could just get up early to start my day stress free.
i took my waist measurement that morning and i am down a little over and inch.
this feels great! i am also finally out of the 170s.
that night the the point reopened!
they did a wonderful job with the remodel and it was great to see so many old friends.
friday i did yoga at work at lunch.
and the dance party that night.
saturday i was a little hungover, but still got up early for a tour of the roasterie and brunch with some lovely ladies.
we went to chez elle in the westide.
i had had a gruyere, mushroom and spinach crepe with a fruit smoothie (just frozen fruit and apple juice) .
last night we hung out with kel and tommy at larry and renee's.
i watched my first ku game of the season and throughly enjoyed it.
dinner was tasty AND healthy and i had three glasses of wine.
we got home a little after midnight.
got up this morning at a decent hour and without hangover.
i ate all right.
i got some new workout clothes (marshalls. so cheap)
and the highlight of my day- jill and i went to an hour and a half yoga class and then to see lovely bones.
then the store, dinner and this here blog.

i really enjoyed the yoga. a lot. there is another yoga class with the same instructor on wednesdays.
i hope to attend. and hope bryce will come with.
this week will be the second week of pilates. i am looking forward to it.

oh, and we are officially able to eat out
i didn't make it all month, but it was only a few times-so i am not upset about it.
the new goal is to only eat out once a week. so if one of us burns it on a lunch, we aren't able to go out to dinner together.
i will be interested to see how this pans out :) i think it will make going out seem like more of a special occasion. and not a regular option for food. so it won't get in the way of my health goals or the money saving.

i has almost been one month since i started this diet.
day 1 was january 4.
this thursday will be a month.
sounds like a good time for a recap...
until then-i hope you are well.

before i drink my wine..

2010-01-23T20:53:00.000-06:00

time for more ~~diet~~ lifechange talk. sorry, but this is a pretty big part of my life right now.
most of my writing has been saved for dionne, meredith and i's emails.
i can't tell you how great that little support team of mine is.
i also have been happy to hear people reach out on the google group.

tonight, i am free, so i figured i would check in.

things are going pretty well. i am out of the first two weeks and onto the long term life change part.
the first two weeks were kinda moody for me. the timing may not have been my best, but i figure that like most big changes, there is never a perfect time.
overall i did okay.
i really got to confront my emotional eating (hellllllllo jose peppers once a week. nothin a little chez can't fix...right?).
i did not get to check all of the boxes on my check sheets every day and that was frustrating at times, but also important for me not just to be completing the goals so i could say i did. i needed to do them because they are important habits to make or break and by honestly taking them to heart and applying them to my daily life i will reap the benifits in my health and my hips.
now i do not have to follow the rules as strictly and i must find where these habits fit into my life, from here forward.
i am not supposed to count calories anymore. instead i am to eat from the mayo clinic food pyramid.
i am to eat at least 4 servings of vegetables a day,
i am to eat at least 3 servings of fruit a day.
i am allowed 4 servings of grain. 3 servings of protein/dairy. 3 servings of fat (healthy is preferred). and 75 calories of sweets
they suggest that you plan each meal out to make sure you get it all in.
i kinda think about it. then figure out after lunch what i have left and try to make dinner accordingly. this is fairly easy during the week....when i am not on that work, gym, home, sleep, repeat scheudle
things are not as easy.
it is like i have to have rules or don't make the best decisions...like i woke up at 10:30 today...made breakfast sammies and oranges and some green machine. went out for coffee (non fat latte for me) with a friend and had some fruit around 2.had a bag of carrots on the way to run errands. then ate a slice of combo (all though it was pretty veg tastic...but totally white crust) pizza around 4 and now i am not really hungry. so lets see...
i am allowed 4 servings of grains- i have had all 4
i am allowed 3 servings of protein/dairy- i have had 5
i am allowed 3 servings of fat- i have had 2
i am to have at least 3 servings of fruit- i have had 4
i am to have at least 4 servings of veggies- i have had 2

but i am only really looking at it because i am breaking it down for you guys. i am pretty sure that without realizing what my day looked like i was going to eat some cheese and crackers (pushing me over on grains and WAYYY over on protein and dairy). so now, if i want to try and end this day on a good note i should just snack on some fruits and veggies and call it a night.

according to mayo i should just be using the pyramid to make sure i am getting the right foods. they say that you shouldn't have to count calories if you are using the pyramid. i do.
i was keeping them by hand, but now have been using dailyplate.com to track. it is much easier too. i want to still make sure that i am creating some kind of weight loss deficit on most days. it also lets me know if i should reaaaaallllly be having a glass of wine.
sometimes i listen.
tonight, i won't...but i will chug a V8 first.

just a quickie

2010-01-04T12:30:00.002-06:00

real quick, before i get back to work...
this is a bit harder than i thought it would be.
i now see that i won't have time to be in front of my computer at home because my life will now evolve around food prep.
i didn't think about this before, not sure why.
today has two fails all ready, there was sugar in my yogurt and i didn't eat "real food" for lunch, i had premade soup.
things are looking all right on the calorie front.
the book suggested 1200 calories, but that will not fly for me. i think 1400 sounds about right and i am on track to be right about there.
tonight i will be doing 30 min of walking and an hour long boot camp class.

back to work!

all right. here we go...

2010-01-03T19:00:00.000-06:00

tomorrow begins (what feels like) the first day of a new me.
i feel like i am on the cusp of something major that i have wanted for a long time...
to be a healthy person.
bryce and i agreed to not eat out for the month of january, but i felt like i needed something else.
my cousin started the south beach diet and she looks and feels wonderful.
but i knew that wasn't the right fit for me.
i also tossed around the ideas of eating gluten free.
but again, didn't feel like the right fit.
while visiting brcye's brother and his family in arkansas, di (his sister-in-law) and i had a chance to talk about our plans for the new year.
she and i used to walk together when they lived in kc and we always chat about diet and exercise, among many other things, when we get to hang out.
we talked about how it would be nice to be able to have an open dialog with someone- to share successes and setback and frustrations and milestones with.
i initiated our first email yesterday.
since then i have also talked to bryce's sister, mere, and she is in too.
i think this little support system, along with jill's enthusiasm for the gym, will be a welcome addition to this new lifestyle.
we are a bit spread out....arkansas, kansas city and seattle....but i think this can also work to our advantage.
we all have our own reasons for wanting to get in shape.
we all have our own goals.
we all have our own obsticals.
and we all are trying different diets.
weight watchers.
the dr.oz diet.
and mine, the mayo clinic diet.
realsimple (my bible) suggested this diet to me (in a mass email).
so i thought i would check it out.
i looked into it online and it is, in fact, from the actual mayo clinic.
and it is also, in fact, very reasonable.
i went out yesterday in the bitter cold and picked it up. there is also a journal, that i passed on, and their cookbook, which i plan to get.
the first part of the diet last for two weeks, the "lose it" phase.
this phase is set to jump start your weight loss and healthy living.
it is set up to add five good habits- eat breakfast, eat fruits and veggies, eat whole grains, eat healthy fats and move! (as in exercise)
break five bad habits- limit screen time (only as much time watching tv or surfing the web as you spend excercising), no sugar (this means booze too friends), no snacks (unless it is fruits and veggies), moderate meat and low-fat dairy and no eating out.
and to add five "bonus" habits- keep a food log, keep an activity log, eat "real" food (not processed), move more and write down daily goals.

the screen time will be hard for me...we don't watch a lot of tv, but i do spend a lot of time on the computer. i will be keeping track of my diet and exercise online and also plan on blogging about my experience. i have decided that time spent blogging doesn't count as "screen time" because writing more is an ongoing goal for me.
it will also be a challange to plan my meals for the week to make sure that i am staying within the food pyramid that has been provided for me.
again. i think it is very reasonable, but will certainly be a change for me.

as another attempt to keep myself accountable i am going to make the logs open to the public. you can check them out here .

i know that many others are setting out on the same quest as i am and i invite you to share your successes, setbacks, new recipies, questions, comments or general bitchiness with me here.
i will be right there with you.

last new years i asked the universe for higher lows and in turn i would take lower highs.
and i got what i wanted, well kinda.
i got something better... higher lows and higher highs as well.
i am not even sure where to start.
i rang in the new year last year as a total shit storm.
i am still embarrassed to this day.
i no longer drink like i used to.
i fucked up my foot.
bryce left for another long stint in flordia and i realized just how much i valued having him in my life.
and once he came home he had a hard time getting rid of me.
a very hard time.
someone once told me that i was wanting too much out of a relationship and that they didn't think any one person would ever make me completely happy.
i knew they were wrong when they said it.
bryce has now proved it.
i ate oysters for the first time and didn't throw up.
clementine found a happy and loving home with loren and jeffrey.
i had a lovely brooklyn vacation with my girl liz.
and went on the first of many (and hopefully many more) camping trips to jimmy's farm.
i went to bryce's hometown for the first time.
and had a wild night in pittsburg, ks and slept the stinkiest hotel room ever.
i got to know ryan and dionne.
and am very thankful to have both of them as my friends.
and to get to be a part of their boys' lives and watch them grow and change.
i went on my first long distance bike ride and loved it.
i felt the pain of the economic climate as i took a pay cut, but did enjoy the fridays off that i received in return.
i got to be present as kelly and sarah married amazing men.
and had a bitchin good time at both of their receptions.
i turned 27 and had a wonderful birthday in the park.
i got a new boss, someone who i can respect and learn a lot from.
and who also happens to be an amazing person.
great times at the lake, learning to wake surf and get up on the wake board.
i look forward to getting back down there as soon as it is warm enough.
i really reconnected with my high school friends and am so thankful to have them as an active part in my life.
i missed you girls more than i realized.
i met liz in iowa for an adventureland good time. i will take her any way i can get her.
reed turned one and bryce came to the fair with me.
both of which were very good news.
we went to seattle for an amazing vacation and i got to know bryce's family better.
orcas island...need i say more?
i hope to go back sometime...and also go to victoria.
the space needle and utilikilts and amazing food and mike and mere.
and luna.
sweet, funny, dopey little nuner.
well, not so little any more.
i found out about my thyroid issues.
thanksgiving without my memi.
and three extra christmases.
and bryce home with me for the holidays.
we wrapped this year up with a fancy pot luck dinner party at home.
with great food and great friends.
i woke up the next day tired.
but without a hangover, without regrets and with a total recollection of the night before.
2009 was good to me.

i hope 2010 has similar things in store for all of us.

cheers friends!

three down, three to go

2009-12-21T23:08:00.003-06:00

so i am one half of the way through the christmases.
bryce gave me the computer about 3 weeks ago.
i followed up last week with his...
two pair toe-mittens- assisting in winter chacos wearing
one pair charcoal over the knee socks- for winter kilt wearing (don't worry. he has all ready ruled out the kilt, sock, chacos option for winter)
one set poaching pouches-for poaching eggs and so much more
one microplane medium ribbon grater- two words: goat cheese.
one tom petty 4 disc anthology and the new muse album- for the ears and the road
one set whiskey stones- for classy drinking
one gap green plaid button down shirt goodness- because i love a man in plaid
one frame- with a picture and a patch from the peddlers jamboree last memorial day weekend.
and he didn't see any of it coming.
and really enjoyed it all.
that is the best reward of giving a gift.
showing someone that you are listening.
that you know them.

last friday marked the start of bryce's family christmas/birthday/weekendfunfest.
bryce's oldest sister got here friday night.
and i went out with her and a good friend of hers.
first i took them to the r bar, which i had really been wanting to check out, to say hi to my pumpkin, sarah.
from there we went to the p&l.
that's right.
as you can imagine i drank a decent amount.
it helps that bryce's sister is a tall, thin, blonde with a wonderful smile.
i gladly accepted the drinks.
she also spent much of her night complimenting people about the most ridiculous things...like telling douche bags that their barb wire arm band tat "makes their guns look big"...she was hilarious.
it was douche tastic and full of lots of ridiculous dance moves and affliction shirts.
i had a really fun night.
when we got home we both soaked our feet in hot water.
i have not been out dancing in heels in quite some time.
poor toes.

the next day was christmas at bryce's grandma's.
his dad is one of 7? or maybe8?
they are fun and remind me of my mom's side.
this is quite a compliment if you are familiar with my relationship with my extended family.
they have two gift exchanges- one for the women and one for the men.
it is one of those deals where you can open something new or steal something someone else had all ready opened.
i had heard several conversations about these exchanges and it seemed like it would be quite the ordeal.
and it was.
and i really enjoyed it.
i ended up with pyrex bowls and measuring spoons.
both of which i was happy to have.
they are very sweet, fun people.
and they cuss and drink. always a plus to me.
there are siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins of all ages that all have real relationships with each other.

i love family.

yesterday we celebrated birthdays.
all three of his nephews have birthdays in december, so we had cake and they opened presents.

tonight was christmas.
they were saying in a hotel, so we packed the car full of all the gifts (we had his other sister, who stayed back in seattle, gifts too-the vibe was full) and headed over.
they take turns as much as possible with the little ones, like my family does.
and for the first time in my life i found myself in the inner workings of a different family's christmas.
and it didn't feel strange at all.

tomorrow and wednesday i will be seeing some of my favorite friends.
both old and new.
and then on thursday we will pack the car again, this time with the dog, and head down to my parents.
there we will finish the last three.

happy holidays friends.
i look forward to the year end wrap up.
....my third year in review.

***after writing this i realized that year one was on myspace.
so i went out and grabbed it.

january 2, 2008

*sigh

the holidays....
what an interesting time.
friends home for the holidays.
second job.
four days in springfield.
adorable niece with an attitude.
my mama, my daddy, my sister and tony.
the let down of my cousin brooke and her fiance bobby not making it to springfield, meaning i won't get to touch her pregnant tummy.
go karts and four wheelers and our first christmas not at granny's.
finding out i am going to be an aunt again.
my dear dear nancy.
the loss of my two favorites.
finally getting to see my gretchypoo.
slumber party at holly's.
feeling like i just can't get it together.
crafts night with the girls. i never thought i would see a room full of my friends sewing and knitting and crocheting and making paper...but it happened and it will happen again.
justin- if you are reading this you are a fucking trooper!
new friends.
new years.
white people listening to a white band play hip hop and living it up.
dancing and drinking and a girl scout's promise to not cry at midnight that i almost kept.
erin biting my lip.
morgans loft, my home away from home.
movies. movies. movies.
friends and blankets and couches and tears and laughter and boxed wine and too many cigarettes to count.
regrets and dreams and hopes and fears and trying not to drown in it all.
and a fucking flat tire today.

happy new year friends.

to my sweet sweet baby boy-
i miss you everyday....so does bits.
so do a lot of people.
you were loved and you were happy and i am sad we only got 4 years together, but i wouldn't trade them for the world...

pics by momofoto

94.9 kcmo has it going on

2009-12-10T20:59:00.007-06:00

i am writing to you from the new netbook that bryce got me for christmas.
he couldn't wait.
i tried to wait.
but i am not good at waiting (if my family reads this they will agree, possibly my friends as well).so when he asked for the second or third time i totally caved.
it is little and cute and the same color as my car and i really really like it.
i originally bought bryce a xm skydock.
but then decided against it.
now i have bought a bunch of smaller gifts.
i ordered most of them online...sorry local community.
i rarely ordered online before this year.
but for gift giving i get to research my ideas.
narrow things down.
and put them in a virtual cart so i can look over them for a while and make good decisions.
most of my online buying is gifts, so there is no buyers remorse as far as the spending goes.
i have been having all his gifts delivered to work. so he can't intercept them.
my coworkers sometimes join me as i open the packages with excitement.
usually knowing exactly what the package contains.
anyway...
i would tell you what i got him, but sometimes people read this thing.
i would hate to spoil christmas, even though as soon as i have his gift ready, which will likely be before christmas, i will give it to him.

'tis the season for reflection and excitement about the future
i didn't make a new years resolution.
but i did put some mile markers out there in front of me.

here is the progress report:

i wanted to be a healthier person
(read:do not confuse with i want to be skinny).

losing weight is not easy.
and if it is easy for you please don't tell me about it.
i will hate you out of jealousy.
this has probably been my healthiest year in my adult life.
i have maintained a good work out schedule for at least half of the year.
i eat better.
i have made great strides in learning to like mushrooms.
i don't drink as much.
i don't smoke 5-8 packs of cigarettes a week.
i eat breakfast.
i don't party every weekend.
i fear the hangover.
i get good sleep.
i am cognizant of when i am and am not being fair to my body.
i very recently started keeping a food journal.

and i have plenty of room for improvement.

one of my biggest problem is the work lunch.
i love the places we go to eat for lunch.
but it is expensive. and not so great for me. and all too tasty.
we split most of the time when we go out.
but it adds up.
both in dollars and fat.
i am trying to eat 7 servings on fruit and veg a day.
i know that this is still below the recommended level.
i am working on it.
i will never be tiny.
two main reasons:
1. i think i would look weird as a size 4
2. i am not that disciplined
3. cheese
i don't want to be tiny. i want to be healthy.
and i feel like i am headed in the right direction.

i wanted to show my art.

next week i am signed up to show some artshits at a company craft show.
i bet they won't let me call them artshits at work.
what about artsh*ts?
i realize this is no gallery showing, but it is a step in the right direction.
and an etsy shop will be coming as well.
no more excuses of not knowing how to price things.
the worst thing that could happen is that i could end up not selling anything.
and pretty much ever scenario other than that is a step up from where i currently am.

and i wanted to write more often here.

a while ago-you know when i was ready to take blogging more seriously and then didn't post for months- i signed up for this program that tracks my stats.
i pretty much only pay attention to how many people read this blog.
the last posy received 113 views in one day.
that felt pretty sweet.
i know a number of my friends read.
i love their comments.
and it is better than a mass email to let them know what is going on with me.
i know facebook says differently, but i do not have 113 close friends.
who all reads this guy?
do you like it?
are you just bored at work? do you find it entertaining?
have you ever told anyone else about it? have you started reading it from someone else telling you about it?
are we acquaintances or co-workers and you feel like you know me a little better from reading this?
does it annoy you that i ignore all grammar rules, except spelling (thanks to firefox) and especially the one about paragraphs.
and i use periods. but still don't punctuate correctly?
can a lady get some feedback?

that is all i have for now friends.
i had a few things on the list for tonight...gym. walgreens. eat dinner at home. blog or read or watch tv.
and for the final one i will read a little about how to work this new piece of machinery.
and then off to bed i go.
at least tonight it is a steamy 23 degrees.
it was 8 degrees at this time last night.

i hope this finds you well.
goodnight friends.
and happy holidays.

while i am here...

2009-11-30T20:32:00.005-06:00

i might as well update you on my exciting and simulating life.
i haven't blogged since september.
whenever you see a post from me where i talk about how much more often i am going to blog, you should expect a break...

last time i wrote shopping seemed to be about all i was up to.

i dried the long and leans and now they are just a simdge too short.
it bothers me, but they fit up top.

hm. so since then...

bryce and i went on vacation to seattle and had a great time.
we got to see the city and hang out with family and friends. and orcas island was amazing. and we went on a biplane ride. and i wasn't scared in the space needle. and bryce bought a utilikilt.

we got luna, the worlds most ferocious watch dog.
we went camping.

i feel down the stairs and had to call into work because my ass hurt so bad.
i had a bitchin bruise for quite some time.
my left ass cheek looked like it got punched by the hulk.
my boss offered to bring me her 'roid doughnut, but i passed.
the doughnut is not designed to deal with butt cheek pain.
it would be like an inflatable thong.
very uncomfortable.

i made where the wild things are costumes with dusty for halloween.
i was impressed.

i also found out that i have a bit of hypothriodism.
it and the cheese are equal parts responsible for the great 2009 weight gain.
so i am taking the meds for it.
i am also currently trying to make myself understand that just because i am taking a pill doesn't mean that i will be instantly lighter.
it will come with time.
and more time at the gym.
bryce bought a fire pit.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
a good amount of crafting...both arts and beer.
dinners.
drinks.
a stupid amount of rock band.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
life is good to me.

thanksgiving was good.
i had a pre thanksgiving freak out, but everything ended up being wonderful.
we cooked on wednesday night and ate with a good mix of friends and family.
bryce cooked an 11 pound ham for eight hours.
it was amazing.
we used three 3 quart casserole dishes.
and amanda proved to me that frozen winter squash puree is a fine substitute for pumpkin pie filling.
ham and cheesey potatoes.
and wine and rockband.
took luna to the dog park for the first time.
got to spend some time with mere before she went back to seattle.
spent some time with bryce's family.
laid around all day and did nothing in pjs.
got out of pjs only to shower and put pjs back on.
and spent more time with friends.
the weather on friday was amazing.
spent more time with family.
and then more time with friends.
and thought about all the many, many, many things that i am thankful for.
and then did a zillion loads of laundry.
cleaned the house.
and began the countdown to christmas.

my shopping is ALMOST done.
of course last min i change my mind on bryce...

i am very excited to see my family. very, very excited.

if i don't talk to you or see you before, then happy holidays!
be safe. stay warm. be thankful.
and send a warm thought out to those who are facing hard times.
things are certainly not easy for everyone right now now.

heart broken

2009-11-30T19:58:00.002-06:00

an old coworker of mine keeps a blog.
she and i worked in the same building but seldom spoke.
always friendly, but not friends.
she was laid off in the first round of layoffs.
and then we became friends on facebook.
and she began posting her blog there. and i began to read.
at first it was fun to get to know a different side of someone.
and then i looked on her online profile...and found another blog where she first wrote about the horrible time life was giving her when trying to get pregnant. and getting pregnant. and losing babies.
and i was floored.

and my heart hurt for her.
maybe i am finally mature enough to fathom the pain a mother feels when losing a child.
i almost tear up just writing about it.

and then she started sharing these experiences on her main blog.
and i was so proud of her and so impressed by her courage.
there are always things that i have wanted to write about here, but have never been courageous enough just to say them.
to tell the whole fucking world.
no care of who is listening.
this is me. here i am. here is my shit. take me or leave me.

and i love her for it.
i was truly excited for her, as i would be a best friend, when i read that she was pregnant.
and it hurt even worse when she wasn't anymore.

and now. after more ups and downs. more positives and then negatives.
she is pregnant. real live baby bump pregnant.
and had to tell her four year old today that her daddy didn't want to be with her mommy anymore and i am sick.

just sick.

i want to fix it. i want to make it all better for her.

one day things are going to be great for this amazing woman.
i hope that day is soon.

i am thinking about you lady.

i hate bargain shopping...but i do love a good sale

2009-08-03T15:29:00.020-05:00

so i went shopping...

last week i was reading an article in real simple about how anticipating a purchase releases dopamine..the same feel-good chemical released from sex or really good food.
i don't know that shopping does that for me.
it actually makes me really anxious.
i like to do research before hand and have a good idea of what i am wanting, where i am going to get it and how much i am going to spend going into it.
even with this preparation i often have buyer's remorse before i even finalize the purchase.
and usually there isn't a lot to be remorseful about.
i can't remember my last ridiculous splurge...
well, yes i can...it was when amanda and i got drunk and went shopping but that was YEARS ago....
it was time for some new clothes.
i have one pair of jeans that i wear.
and they are my $20 wet seal jeans that are going to die soon...and aren't appropriate with everything.
after i broke down and bought my mom-shorts (think mom jeans, but shorts...i was buying whatever it took to not have a muffin top. they are bad, but were on sale)i gave into the fact that my body has changed and juniors shit just isn't going to cut it.
not unless i want to live my adult life with my ass crack hanging out of my pants.

so..new body (grrr...still have some work to do there)...
new season...
new clothes.

i was inspired by gap's 30% off friends and family sale.
i do not have the patience for digging through racks of clearance crap.
but if i can have a discount on whatever i want, i am in.
before going in i set a budget:
$50 post discount
or $100 post discount if i bought jeans.
i am usually not a HUGE fan of gap jeans.
i have always been sad that long & leans don't fit me and usually chalked it up to the fact that i am neither long nor lean....all though i think that is what they are supposed to do for you.
anyway...
gap redesigned all of their jeans, and wouldn't you know...now the long and leans fit!
so i scooped me up a pair!

i tried on many things and pondered long and hard about what to purchase and what not to...
this was an option that i wavered on until the very end.
and now that i look at it again i am a little bummed i didn't get it.

in it's place i did get four pairs of super comfy-not super granny-much needed-long awaited new underwear.
i won't post pics.
but they are super comfy.
if you must know you can ask!
i did pick this up

in the clearance section i found a great over sized canvas tote that will be great as an overnight bag, gym bag, carry on....or even for groceries, which i may use it for tonight.

the score of the day was this lovely number

she was one of those finds that is on the rack of crap to be put away and is the only one in the entire store.
it happened to be the right size!!
the zipper is broken and it was already on sale so i got it super cheap!
i think it will be perfect with a short cardigan for the wedding in seattle.
please remind me to take it to the tailors next time you see me.

all in all i spent $126.
not too shabby.
i didn't expect to find a dress, so i allowed myself to go over budget.
not to mention that this is the first time i have spent money on clothes since my birthday.

so for now, i will be laying low and being frugal, while enjoying my new purchases and stalking new ones online.
i would like to get a few more things before the trip.

i also finally bought new shoes for the gym.
i have had my old shoes for YEARS and all though the tread is still wonderfully intact, i don't run...so i don't need running shoes.
in fact, doing zumba in a shoe created for forward motion may be the cause of the knee pain that i have currently been experiencing.
i did some research and found the shoes i wanted.
nike musique IV.
i went to dick's on sunday and after waiting 45 minutes-EVERYONE needed new football cleats on sunday- i tried them on and was very pleased with the fit and feel of them.
they are only offered in white and black...not my favorites, but i went for the black...because they had my size in them.

i can't wait to try them out in class tomorrow!

the other part of the sunday shopping excursion was to petsmart.
gretch found this product called cat attract .
in an attempt to break bacon of her behavioral issue while i try and find her a new home, we figured it was worth a try.
so far things seem to be going well.

with that being said, i do need to find a home for bacon.
she is not happy at my house anymore.
she is a sweet, sweet neck nuzzling girl.
we think she would be best as an only pet in a house that she gets a lot of love in.

as you can see, she is gorgeous.
she is currently shaved for the summer and looks like a wee baby white lion...also very precious.

if you, or someone you know can offer her the home she deserves please contact me.
please think positive thoughts about finding this pretty girl a home.

swap party planning tomorrow....can't wait.

it's sunday. i'm brain dead. enjoy.

2009-07-26T14:31:00.008-05:00

i had such high hopes for today.
after a few glasses of wine last night and apparently feeling very ambitious after a productive day, i announced that my schedule for today would be as follows:
wake up...i am sure i was thinking 9 at the latest.
make breakfast.
ride bike to the park.
play tennis.
get boxes.
pack and label shit in bryce's basement
move said shit across the street to where he is living now...camping gear, brewing stuff, rock climbing gear, and a ridiculous amount of tools.
move the bed.
dresser.
clothes.
organize and find homes for all of this stuff.
go to my apartment and throw the love seat and chair over the balcony and drag them to the street so they can be picked up the bulky trash guys tomorrow.
order pizza.
eat pizza.
play tiger woods.
sleep.

i had high hopes.
after this declaration i continued to drink wine with friends.
ate a lovely home made dinner...that i didn't make.
then had some coffee...with baileys.
then some tequila.
and a little more tequila.
and they maybe some more coffee
the last of the friends left a little after 3:00.
i woke up around 9:30...wishing i could have slept for the rest of the morning.
got up.
picked up the remnants of last night.
bryce made really tasty breakfast (pretty sure he is a much better cook than i am. which is fine with me. i am way better at doing dishes than he is).
i made more coffee.
ate.
showered.
pressed on with the days plan knowing that the biking/tennis/athletic portion of the day had clearly been canceled.
went to get storage boxes.
check.
but then the tired hit.
and the yawns began.
and my legs didn't want to hold my body up anymore.
and the hint of nausea i had been trying to ignore all day finally got my attention
but onward we went.
me-attempting to keep myself motivate by verbalizing my desire to still complete a good portion of the days plans.
bryce- patiently letting me bullshit about this (between yawns and declarations of fatige) and not pointing out how ridiculous i am for thinking i am going to get anything done in my current state.
half way through figuring out what printer he should get i threw in the towel for the afternoon.

i hope it didn't look at pathetic as it sounds.

which brings us to now.
to do list updates:
drink gatorade.
nap.
do nothing.
throw couch and chair away.
drink water.
maybe move some of bryces shit...probably just his bed.
drink water.
eat something greasy.
play tiger woods.
and sleep.

i feel pretty useless, super lazy and a little disappointed in my lack of productivity.
but at the same time i don't fucking care.
every one needs a lazy day.
i had a great time last night.
i got some shit done.
i am relaxing.
i am watching tv.
i will get a little more shit done before i sleep.
and i even blogged.

where am i going with this?
no clue.
i think i am going to watch crap tv and nap.
one more thing off the list!

hope you are having a productive/lazy/fulfilling sunday.

OOOOH! update: i got the sweater from the last post, but not in mustard. it was too orangey in person. i got the brown. mmmmm.

mama needs new (or slightly used) shoes damnit!

2009-07-22T09:53:00.006-05:00

money. i hate you. you ruin me.
yet i do not seem to be in any kind of rush to earn more of it.
when i am getting paid all five fifths of my salary i do all right.
my life is not lavish, but i can splurge on a few things here and there.
but with the car payment and the pay cut those splurges are few and far between
*sigh- woe is me

i can't believe you guys let me get away with bitching about this mundane shit.
i mean in the grand scheme of things, i have it good!

anyway....

fall is creeping up on us(all though i am not convinced that summer ever really got here-which is okay by me)and i love fall clothes.

i think it is my favorite season to get dressed in….
jeans.
light sweaters.
hoodies.
boots.
sandals.
layers.
the start of scarf season.
mmmmm...
my wish list has all ready begun, all though the finances of it all really put a damper on it.
just like when any new season rolls around, i find myself asking “what the fuck did i wear last insert season here?”
also, each season i like to get a couple key pieces to update my wardrobe from the year before.
then i round out the rest at target .
i am really loving the gap’s boyfriend line.
i have found what i hope to be my first purchase

i may have a mustard yellow addiction to rival my purple fit from last fall/winter.
what can i say? i am a sucker for jewel tones.

and apparently black is the new black this fall.
praise jesus!

this morning i turned to miss. carlew to complain about my lack of wardrobe and lack of money to do anything about it.
feeling equality as broke and unsatisfied by her wardrobe she suggested a swap party!
recently i was invited to a swap by a friend, but was not able to make it.
you can host a swap for a number of things...books, cds, housecrap...
ours will be for clothes and accessories.
everyone brings a certain number of goods and then you take turns picking out things from what everyone else brings.
needless to say, I LOVE party planning!
and i am excited to get rid of some things that are wasting away in my closet.
it seems so much easier to get rid of that blouse that has never been worn, when it is going to a good home.

part of a successful swap is inviting people that are roughly the same size, so if you aren’t invited, it isn’t because we don’t love you, it is because you are too fucking skinny!
expect this to be happening before my vacation.
that is right!
VAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
bryce and I are going to seattle for 10 days around labor day!
his sister is getting married, so we decided to turn it into a vacation.
i can’t wait.
i have never been to the northwest, yet have always had a fondness for it…

going into this swap i have high hopes for jeans, light sweaters and maybe even a dress!
i have a ton of purses and shoes to part with and some cute stuff that just isn't me...or doesn't fit!

also, as a side note…i miss blogging.
i hate that i don’t do it more.
perhaps i need to set aside time in my life specifically for it.
i am going to leave myself with this thought (since I may look at my blog more than anyone else…) that also came up in conversation with sarah…

when am I ever going to follow a freaking dream?

“we have been friends together in sunshine and in shade.”

2009-07-22T09:30:00.003-05:00

(quote by caroline norton)

i know i have said it a lot lately.
but i really mean it...and whenever it is time for us to come together-be it a birthday party, a promotion, a layoff, or a loss- i feel overwhelmingly grateful and, for lack of a better word, blessed by my amazing and caring friends. all though all of us have varying levels of friendship with each other, when one of us is in need, all of us are there.
not every one is fortunate enough to have this kind of chosen family.
and i could burst with the amount of love i have for you all.

to my beans... i love you.
you are stronger than anyone will ever know.
you are an amazing woman.
your mother was an incredible woman who raised two strong, beautiful, independent, intelligent, sweet, amazing daughters. one of whom i am lucky to call a best friend. i daily reap the benefits of the values she has instilled in you.
her laughter was infectious and i am lucky to have the memories i have with her.
may these next two days allow you some closure, some peace and a time to celebrate the life of your mother.
i know that no words are the right words at a time like this....
you and your family are in my thoughts always.

the plan...an update

2009-05-12T13:47:00.003-05:00

i am about three weeks into the plan and things are going all right.
the scale seems to be sitting at about 163, but i am not dreading putting on pants lately.
i feel better just knowing that i am doing something about it.
i have not been getting as much cardio (aka zumba) in as i want...i KNOW jeanee, we have THREE options now.
but have enjoyed the addition of morning walks on tuesday and thursday.
my energy level on some days is a little low.
still getting used to the getting up early and since i don't stick to it EVERY day i feel like i give my body a hard time.
my partner in crime has fallen off the early morning workout bandwagon, which also makes it hard to get up.
i find that if i have someone meeting me i will get up.
don't want to be late!
don't want to break plans!
jill and i have received some great support from the guys at the gym.
there are still those douche bags that look at us like we are in their way.
but they can fuck off.
one of our favorite instructors and trainers, keith, seems to always have a client when jill and i are lifting.
he always drops words of encouragement when he passes us.
and has made it a point to make us feel great about lifting.
knowing that he is supportive is a good reassurance.
he won't let us walk around looking like crazy, buff women.
another guy at the gym yesterday came over when we were doing our bench presses to tell us how impressed he is to see girls on the bench.
he also pointed out that we should get gloves so we won't have "man hands".
i couldn't agree more.
last night keith helped us out with our form on a few things between his client and his class.
he also told us about "the new rules of lifting for women" .
the slogan is "lift like a man. look like a goddess."
ha!
there is also a "forum" for the book.
everything that i have read looks very inspiring.
it has six months worth of work outs, with pictures and explanations of how to perform the lifts, as well as a nutrition guide.
so many girls, including myself, are scared of bulking up.
but the more i read the more it becomes clear that it will not happen.
and it is amazing that you can get so much out of so little time at the gym.

i still feel the same way-i don't think that the scale is going to be the indication of success for me.

the cooking has been going well.
the weekends still get a little out of control...
but at least i am thinking about what it is going to do to me.

i hope to pick up this book tonight.
i am a little afraid to get it before i finish the book club read, but i just can't wait to dig in.

i hope the rain isn't getting you too down...
it will be ninety before you know it.

where are my words?

2009-05-01T13:19:00.003-05:00

it kills me to know that you are hurting.
and that there is nothing i can do to fix it.
or ease it.
or make it better.
i wish i could take it on for you.
absorb it.
but i can't.

i don't even know if i am doing a good job being here for you.

i don't even know what to say to you.
i just want to hold onto you and hope that you can feel my empathy.
i wish i could just hug the hurting away.
but i can't.

i hope the pain dulls.
i hope this weekend offers you some kind of closure.
some kind of peace.
and a chance to say goodbye...

i don't know why it is so hard for me to spit out.
i don't think i have said anything to your face.
when you told me all i could spit out was your name.
i can hardly find the words now...talking to a screen that i don't even think you read.

babe, i am so sorry for your loss. so sorry for your pain. so very, very sorry....
i feel so much more than that, but that is all that i can seem to get out.
i am so sorry.

thankful and bitter

2009-04-28T13:41:00.004-05:00

so i still have a job.
well...4/5ths of a job.

for the past two years of working at penton i have has summer hours.
this wonderful little gift of paid half days every other friday between memorial day and labor day.
last summer we had full days off to lift our spirits after the salary freeze went into effect.
with summer starting to creep into our minds we all began to wonder about summer hours.
surely they would give them to us.
we are still in a salary freeze and moral around here is shit.
this is the one thing they can do for us that doesn't cost them anything.
surely....

WRONG.
oh, we are still getting fridays off this summer.
in fact we get EVERY friday off.
and we don't get paid for them either.
around 2:30 yesterday a random meeting reminder for something that i knew was not previously on my calendar popped up.
"company wide announcement"
summer hours??- was my first thought
then i remembered that in corporate america they send company wide good news in emails.
and company wide bad news comes in department meetings, to make us feel like they care about us individually...followed by an email outlining the shittiness.
you can take a gander at ours here

if you read through all that bullshit, which i myself have not yet, you will see that we have some options.
we can take a 18.5% pay cut between may 22 and september 4.
or a 9.85% pay cut between may 22 and the end of 2009.
i have until the 15th to decide.
intense ass raping for three months?
or moderate paycheck molestation for the end of the year?

decisions...decisions...

the good news...
i have every friday off this summer.
my vacation days will go further than they did last year.
i still don't think i will get laid off.

the bad news...
money...isn't it always the bad news?

at this point my main concern is paying my car payment.
and getting my ass to colorado this summer.

so if you know anyone that needs a friday baby sitter, let me know.

the plan

2009-04-23T15:14:00.002-05:00

so things have gotten a little out of control.
workouts have been missed.
meals have been more delicious and less nutritious.
and as a result of this my waistline-and most everything else-has expanded.
a few weeks ago when i went home i stepped on a scale.
i am not a huge fan of scales.
i grew up in a home without a scale.
i feel like you should be comfortable in your skin and that should be your indicator.
how your clothes fit and how you feel, not a number.
i knew i was not in the kind of shape i wanted to be in and wanted to see just how out of control things have gotten.
168 pounds worth.
this is the heaviest I have been in my life.
my weight fluctuates fairly regularly and within about a 10 pound range.
the goal weight has always been around 150.
my usual weight is 155-160.
i have some work to do.
and, luckily, my partner in crime is on board with me, which will make this much easier.
a cooking light cook book was purchased, as was a scale.
several of the ladies are on the band wagon, creating a much needed and appreciated support system.

here is the deal with my body image…
I am all right with my body.
I am aware of my body.
there are times I want to better my body.
but I always love my body.

and here is the plan…
the new routine includes getting up around 5:45 am.
lifting weights with kelly before work on monday and thursday.
light weights and zumba with jill on tuesday and wednesday.
and perhaps friday mornings with jill as well.
something either on saturday or sunday…outdoorsy or fun or whatever.
and one day off.

bryce and i claim our nights for cooking dinner and we go from there.

watching the alcohol intake.

it is thursday.
the plan took effect on monday.
i feel like my body is starting to get used to it.
i am not STARVING all the time.
i am not tired all afternoon.
i still want to go to bed right at ten….if not before.
i am happy.
i am in a good mood.
i am excited to watch things change.
i am proud of the decision to be more respectful and protective of my body.
and, like so many things, this has shown me how important it is, and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system.

with all that said…let us see how i do this weekend.

spring has sprung….i hope you are happy.

some kind of update

2009-03-25T16:04:00.004-05:00

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.

sometimes you just need to go home

2009-02-05T20:34:00.004-06:00

for the health and safety of those i love, i will be leaving town tomorrow.
for the last week i have been pretty consistently at my boiling point...at times way beyond it.
i am hormonal.
or projecting.
or over analyzing.
or whatever the fuck i am doing.
the point is i have been in a shit mood for no apparent reason and it needs to stop.
i have been a miserable person for most people to be around.
thank you for being sweet and not mentioning it.
or tip toeing around it to not incur my seemingly completely unwarranted rant.

tonight i got off work.
dropped erin off.
had a beer with sarah at the brewery.
went to the gym.
changed.
got on the bike.
road it for 10 minutes....
bored.
got on the elliptical for 25.
bored
did only the arms portion of my old circuit routine.

if you don't know i have a stress fracture in my foot.
and i am being a huge baby about it.
if i am projecting my feelings it is probably because of this.
not because it is painful...it is just a pain in the ass.
it has me super pissed.
i still go to the same location as i did when i could attend classes.
that is where i see the people i know.
i have to be somewhat held accountable.
i hate that i can't do the classes. i hate being in charge of my own workout every time i go to the gym.
i like the mindlessness of classes.
i am proud that i am still going. it is important to keep the habit going.
i just feel like i got screwed.
like i was finally getting somewhere and now i can't keep going full speed ahead because of this stupid bump in the road.

see.
i am bitter.
and ranting.
after the gym jill and i went to dinner.
she very sweetly, i think as only jill can do, told me that i am going to explode if i stay at this stress level.

i think another thing is work.
today we let go two more members of upper management.
two that worked in our office and that i have known better than any other upper management that has been let go.
it felt very close before.
it feels real now.
i don't think i have a lot of reason to worry about my position.
this change into online could have saved my ass.
i do know that something will happen.
we all know.
they told us essentially that people were going to lose their jobs.
used terminology that you hear in sitcoms and on dateline....streamline, offshore, out source, restructuring.
things you never want to read in an email from a higher up.
the layoffs have begun.
it would be stupid to not see something coming.
it is just a question of where and who.
that scares the shit out of me.
i cannot imagine what the next month or two is going to feel like.
even the first round of layoffs i went through a few years ago didn't feel like this.
i didn't know as many people then.
and certainly didn't know them this well.
and even though i think i will be okay i just can't help but think in the back of the mind of what i am going to do if it is me.

car payments.

growing up.

so anyway...
obviously i have a lot on my mind.
so i am going to take myself out of it all for a weekend.
and go home.
and relax.
and unwind.
and be with my parents.
not to mention the 3 hours each way.
there is nothing quite like singing your heart out in a car.
maybe with a friend. maybe alone.
i hope i can drive with the windows down.

i am sorry i am missing out loren's birthday.
and i hope she will understand.
knowing loren she will.

i hope you enjoy your weekend.
with a little love from the mama, i will be less explosive the next time you hear from me.

until then....

spring preview

2009-01-31T10:32:00.002-06:00

it is supposed to be damn near 60 today.
i only know this because EVERYONE has been talking about it.
i have also been interested because today is splutschnik day.
if you don't know, ask.
basically it is a pub crawl downtown that will require being exposed to the elements...or in the case of today, a ridiculously wonderful gift from mother nature.
it is 10:35. i woke up at 8:44 and finished watching the movie i fell asleep watching around 10:30 last night.
the virgin suicides.
love the book. love the movie.
then i got up to do my saturday morning dilly dallying in time to still go get some coffee, read a little and meet up with sarah for some thing she yelled into the phone while at a fairly loud bar last night. something about free facials and recycling. i am so in.
there is sun pouring into my bedroom and now slowly leaking across the dining room floor.
i let the cats out to get some fresh air.
i am going to go get some fresh air myself.

i hope you enjoy this day.

just a quickie.

2009-01-27T22:27:00.005-06:00

what is the first artist on your ipod?
mine is a.c. newman.
i like him all right, but rarely ever chose to listen to him.
maybe it is because every time i accidentally hit artist one too many times he pops on.
it isn't his fault, but i think i am starting to hate him for it.
this just happened, that is why i mention it.
i just listened to the new bird and the bee album.
and while i was trying to go back for seconds i got a little trigger happy and on came my boy a.c..
he messed up my pallet.
but not for long. i am back in new music heaven.
i have been listening to tracks as they released them.
but there is nothing like an album. from start to finish.

thanks bradley for sending it my way.
i am a big dork for them.
the album is great. if you liked them before you will love them now.
if you all ready loved them then do it right...loud and with wine.

anyway...i didn't get on here to bitch. i just had a little down time and figured i would share some art shits with you. so i bitched. i will show you pictures and then who knows what wonders await you! i could be amazing or i could want to go to bed after the captions....
we shall see.

okay...so...
first things first. sometime before christmas (maybe the obama party?) i acquired a unfinished piece of a friends. it is an old window frame that has had several layers of indoor paint layered on it. it has always just kind of intimidated me and stayed tucked away. so sunday i got it out. and got at it.

this is what it looked like before i started. and that is bacon's tail

this is in the lower right corner.
acrylic and scratching the crap outta some paint

these are all the paint chips from what i scraped hot glued together in the center

she is in the upper left corner.
all her "hair" was scraped off with a pairing knife and an exacto knife. it took a long time and i did not care to find a faster way to do it.

i am not done yet. it will still be a while.
i will show you the whole thing when i am done.

i was going to show you the crafts from christmas, but i am tired.
i will go for round three of the bird and the bee. headphones. electric blanket.
i can only think of one thing that would make it better...

good night.
i hope you are staying warm.
it's a bitch out there.

cliches and confessions of a crazy cat woman

2009-01-20T22:03:00.009-06:00

i chose to listen to air, instead of the usual sigur ros that i would listen to while blogging, in an attempt to keep from hyper ventilating.
sometimes i cry when i blog.
most of the time it is after a touch too much wine, but not tonight.
tonight is just fucking hard.

often times the hardest decision to make is the best.

i am not at home. ever.
i used to be here to sleep at least.
but that still wasn't cutting it.
recently i have not been home at all.

the cats have taken over.
and they are not happy.

(i had to change the music back to sigur ros.
i need to just feel it and process it and let it all fall into place.)

i have never seen animals so starved for love as i have seen my cats.
especially clem.
she was always such a spoiled girl. always with someone around to love her.
bacon was spoiled as a kitten, but also spent time alone while liz was traveling.
clem was just spoiled.
when it came time for the two of them to share me it got hard. and since then it has gotten harder.

they are not happy and they show me.

if you love something let it go.

i have been thinking lately about what i am going to do.
i can't just stay away and ignore these sweet souls that i have signed on to care for.
i cannot keep them, although they are unhappy, simply because i love them.
that is not love.

this has been eating my soul.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

this is the first time i have had to make a decision to give a pet away because someone else can offer it a better life than i can.
and i thought it hurt with boyfriends.
shit.

tonight i was sharing my feelings about my little underloved lovies with loren.
tonight she shared with me that she has been seriously thinking about getting one.

everything happens for a reason.

it falls into place too well. i know she would love her and take care of her and never neglect her or do her wrong.
i would still get to see her.

loren is going to think about it.

i got home tonight and held clem for fifteen minutes.
like she loves to be held.
like a little person.
like i used to hold her everyday.
and i pet her.
and she gave me kisses.
and i just fucking cried.

and i am just fucking crying now.

my mom put our last family dog to sleep on monday.
taxi.
we have always had a dog.
i have not cried about it yet.
well, until now.

and i think about these animals.
and i think about how much i love them.
and how important their happiness is to me.
and i wonder how parents do it.

goodnight friend.

thank god that one is over.

2009-01-04T18:33:00.007-06:00

this year has been quite the year.
it was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least.
next year i am hoping for higher lows and in return i will take lower highs.
i started therapy in january of last year.
more for someone else than for myself.
i have ended the year being so thankful for taking this step.
am i crazy? of course i am.
is it a problem? only if i let it be.
i have my first appointment of the new year tomorrow.
i started this blog last year.
clemintine fell into my life and has been overly lovey and putting holes in everything since the first time i saw her.
allison's wedding.
gretchen and i moved into our apartment.
renee's wedding.
liz came home.
reed.
thank god liz came home.
bronson and i walked separate ways for the last time.
i faced lonely again.
i faced jealousy again.
i felt like i was starting new again.
i was no longer a part of a life the life i had lead for so long.
a life that was comfortable-not happy.
i turned to a new path to try and find a piece of the puzzle that i have been longing to get to work on.
devin. i still think about you often.
liz moved to brooklyn.
bacon has taken permanent residence with me, but will always be liz's cat.
obama won the election.
a moment in life i will never forget and can't imagine a better memory for it.
amanda's wedding.
the best hungover day on the couch ever.
my car constantly giving me shit.
and people constantly breaking in to take my shit.
and then buying a new car.

and then the holidays...
pumpkin carving and the four of us being single at once (but not for long).
a new person in my life.
another successful mem's thanksgiving.
a lovely itiscoldoutsidesogetyourassesinsideanddrink party.
new friends.
old friends.
going home for the longest that i have been at home since my parents moved.
seeing ALL of my family.
my grandma asking when i was going to bring home my boyfriend.
the feeling of asking that question to myself.
the looks on my families faces when they opened their hand made gifts.
the first time i held reed and he smiled at me.
the things that fall out of three year old's mouths.
being surrounded by so much love and still feeling like something is missing for me.
losing it on new years and realizing that i do not have a good grip on things.
being embarrassed by my actions.
being scared of the future.
making adult decisions and feeling the reactions to my actions with more strength than ever before.

2009 should be an interesting one.

happy new year friends.

christmas....part one

2008-12-24T15:26:00.009-06:00

i am home.
i grew up most of my childhood in leawood, but then my parents moved to nixa,mo when i graduated from college. now home is where the parents are.
most of my extended family lives in springfield and the towns that surround it, so it makes for a busy, busy holiday schedule. this year all of my parents siblings and all of their kids and all of their kids kids are home, so there is a ton of family in town.
i got here yesterday around 11:40. i got out of my car and directly into my sister's car with bella-my three year old niece, reed- my four month old nephew, my mother and my sister. after struggling to get bella strapped in for way too long we were off to meet my mom's best friend for lunch "in town" (springfield) and i was squished into the third seat of my sister's SUV. i learned quickly that baby boy will giggle at me if i make kissey faces at him and read bella a book.
i can't explain how amazing it is to see him. just being him. a normal little guy.
no tubes.
no machines.
no looming fear.

we ate at mexican villa.
we drove back to nixa.
at 4:45 heather and i decided it was time for wine.
i finished two paintings, one for a cousin and one for my granny.
then my cousins (torre and her daughter alex) came over to bake and love on the babies. so at this point there are nine of us in a fairly small space. we were all tripping over each other and cats and dogs and presents and god knows what else.
heather and torre made a peppermint cake, that when completed (which it still is not) will look like a 3D santa standing up.
when the cake was done baking torre called us over to "smell him".
mom decided that we needed to write a song entitled "come and smell him" to the tune of "come all ye faithful".
this is why i love my family.
i sprawled out on the living room floor and alex (15 y.o.) came and sat on me and then bella sat on my legs behind her.
and then bella told alex she had a big bottom.
amazing. i love three year olds.
after that bella wanted to ride me like a pony. i told her i was pooped.
she checked my pants and informed me that i had not pooped.
thank you bella.
after this torre and alex left and we had some time to kill.
my dad's best friend has grown out his long white beard this holiday season and has been playing santa at various events around town.
tonight he would be making a special stop at our house to see bella.
while waiting for him to come we put on some big band christmas tunes and bella insisted that we all get up and "shake our booties".
she also gave us all christmas names.
she picked snowflake for my dad.
i nearly pissed myself.
while snowflake was not his first choice, he danced anyway as he is putty in her teeny tiny little hands.
after i, red reindeer, had damn near broken a charleston-induced sweat the doorbell rang.
bella answered it with dad and there he was....santa.
she jumped into his arms and gave him a huge hug and kept patting his back.
as precious as it was, i couldn't help but think how easy it would be to kidnap children during the holidays.
all you need is a beard and a santa suit.
i am horrible. i know.
after santa left bella recounted the whole thing for us. and then informed us that "that santa was a different one".
smart little girl. but she didn't care.
i excused myself to the office/bedroom to inflate my bed before they put the kids down.
i returned to the living room in time to catch a conversation about your favorite product and mine, the shamwow.
dad wants one.
"i wish i had one. i don't know why i just don't dial the number one of these nights"
i wish i knew he wanted one, because i would have bought him one just so i could spill shit and clean it up and see if it really is as amazing as i hope it is.
i got my christmas pajamas for the year....snow globes from across the country.
pretty impressive.
the kids went to sleep and we talked about how lucky we all are to have everyone home this year and how it will probably never happen again.
how heather and tony will not always come home.
and how i may, at some point, have another family to keep in mind.
or as i put it "at some point some one may be crazy enough to marry my dumb ass"
i finally retired to my room around 11 and wrapped presents for today...christmas with dad's side at grandma's.

christmas: part one- act one
mom had to be at grandma's at nine to start breakfast. i wanted to go with her so i could see my cousin brooke that was in town from NYC with her husband and baby for as long as possible. we would be leaving at 8:30. i informed my sister and brother in law that i would need to shower in the morning. as in a i am going early and i need to shower first situation. mom said she would wake me up at 8:00.
i set my alarm for 7:45.
i woke up.
sister was in the shower.
i get in the shower, get dressed and come out and my dad is like are you ready?
obviously i am not.
my hair is soaking wet in a towel and i am sure my face was less than amused.
i ask what time it is.
8:20
i inform him that he is 10 minutes early and that i would be ready when i said i would at 8:30.
they still needed to run an errand that mom thought he ran yesterday.
i am annoyed.
i will ride with heather and tony.
we get there and it is a house full! grandma, uncle tom, brooke, bobby, elizabeth cate, aunt cathy, shelby, carlie, kayla, kelsy, uncle tracy, aunt verlene, hannah, caitlin, mom, dad, heather, tony, reed, bella and i.
the majority of the list above ranges in ages 16 years-4 months. there were bodies everywhere.
and then it happened...
for the first time in twenty six years...
my grandma turned to me and said "so, where is your boyfriend?"
i am the last of the granddaughters (over 16) that does not have a husband, or a kid, or both.
it kinda stung all though i know she never meant it to.
the little girls sat at the kids table.
the adults sat in the dining room and i sat at the kitchen table, where i usually sat with brooke and our other cousin sarah, who was not there yet.
my uncle tracy commented on me being at the in-between table.
LISTEN HERE ASSHOLES! i am a fucking adult.
i am a single, childless, twenty six year old adult.
i spent the rest of my morning wandering through grandma's house, latching onto a conversation here and there, picking up babies and handing them off and getting things for the little girls.
i felt kinda weird. like everyone else had a partner and i didn't.
it felt like a chapter out of one of our chick lit book club reads.
i still don't know if i am proud or upset.
once my last two cousins arrived from work we opened presents.
it is so odd how prepared for death my grandmothers seem.
(both my grandfathers have been gone for quite some time.)
always making comments about how it is better to give us this or that now, rather than when they are dead, so they can see us open it.
this year it was her quilts.
these are her most prized possessions.
she gave the littlest girls their sunbonnet sue quilts.
all of us older girls got them for our 13th christmases.
it is sad to think that she won't be here for theirs.
that they have to have them now because who knows about next year.
it is heart wrenching to think of the holidays without these amazing women.
reed got a different kind of quilt. one with little farmer men on it, as a sunbonnet sue is not fitting for our little man.
then grandma gave all of the rest of us a quilt from her collection.
i got a neck tie quilt.
i love it.
grandma also gave caitlin and hannah (who are 16 and 14) the book about her that she gave the rest of us a few years ago.
i sat down and read caitlins...i don't know if i ever read mine all the way through.

i didn't know my great grandpa used to play santa at church.
i always forget my grandma's first name is mary, not rosalee as i know her.
she is named after her grandmas, mary and rosa.
i asked where the lee came from.
she doesn't know.
but it was passed down to my father, michael lee and to me, terra lee.
as we passed the picture of she and her sister as children she began to talk about how much she misses barb, who passed away last year. that barb would call her everyday, usually in the morning because she knew that grandma would be out the door running around all day. i almost lost it.
i read about my grandpa dale. about their long distance courtship while he was in the navy. about how he proposed. about the first things he said to her when he saw her again. about the man he was while he was alive and how hard it was to lose him so young.
i can't help but cry as i write this now, tucked back in my little corner, with my headphones on scrambling to record these memories before they fade away.

this christmas feels different.
this christmas is different.
and it is different mainly for the reason that it feels like after this one it will never be the same.

it is bittersweet.
and a lot to take all on my own.
sometimes i really wish i had a partner in all of this...

sun and showers

2008-12-21T10:50:00.009-06:00

it is sunday morning.
i fell asleep last night around 9:45. watching love actually.
i woke up on the couch about an hour ago in leggings, a sweater, my robe, slippers, stocking cap and my new favorite socks.
with three cats laying on me.
this night of rest and relaxation was must needed after friday night's itiscoldoutsidesogetyourassesinsideanddrinkboozewithyourfriends party.
i had a great time.
a lot of my favorite people were there.
we drank 3 liters of mulled wine, one jug of "holiday punch" (thanks nick and chris, whatever that was it was amazing), two bottles of vodka, one bottle of tequila, a half a bottle of southern comfort and a stupid amount of beer.
the holiday attire was as classy as it comes.
yesterday i woke up without a hangover, but feeling much less intelligent than the day before.
for example, when i was leaving to pick brian up to go christmas shopping i couldn't find my car keys. so i just grabbed the spare. i got to brian's and we went to get gas, as i had 12 miles to empty (at least the cougar does something to help me). so we go to QT which is a cluster fuck that i am not willing to deal with. then we go to the BP on broadway and as soon as i turn my car off i realize...fuck. i don't have the key to open my damnnearempty gas tank. so now we have to drive back to my house to find the keys.we get in and brian starts to look. he asks if i have any idea where they would be. and i looked under the table that i always put my keys on and there they were. why didn't i do this before leaving this house? i had the dumb.
brian and i went to target in mission and got most of it taken care of there. in order to avoid the plaza at all costs we drove to metcalf south mall to get the tin of topsy's i take home every year and to get brian one to devour at home. although i work across the street from this place i rarely step foot inside there. and if i do it is in a department store. brian and i walked through the ghost mall from one side to the other remembering what was there when we were growing up. there is literally nothing inside that mall. it is a mall walkers wet dream.
we finished shopping.
i came home.
posted pictures.
cleaned a little.
went to dinner with mo and to her place for a bit.
came home.
and you know the rest.

this morning i took a shower. i know, big deal right? i don't shower on sundays unless i have to...OR i have time to take a reallllllly long shower. which, lucky for me, today i did because i was so in the mood for it. the sun is shining. i am not tired. i am not hungover. i only have to work two days this week. i just had a great celebration with friends. and i can not wait to see my family.
i am in a good mood.
i put on the white stripe's "de stijl".
i used my new shampoo and conditioner.
i took my sweet ass time.
i remembered how much i love long hot showers in the winter. and then thought about how much i love cool showers in the summer. and then i wondered which i liked best. and then i remembered that i don't have to have a favorite. i get them both once a year. and now as i type this i do not think i have quite recovered from friday.
well.
i am off into the sunshine and what i expect to be breath-taking-cold.
...coffee.
...pictures.
...crafting.
all the while listening to "Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust" (yup...i copied and pasted that one).
mmm. sigur ros and sunny winter days.

maybe i do love this season.

i am a non smoker and amanda is a watson!

2008-12-05T14:51:00.006-06:00

hi lil buddies.
how are you all?
a little annoyed that i only blog once a month?
nah, i figured that you probably didn't give a shit, but also figured i would update you anyway...
so lets see what has been going on....

the day before the election i got hypnotized to quit smoking. i had this appointment set since the beginning of october.
why november third?
why not?
so the morning of the third i wake up. and about 10 minutes before i am going to leave for work gretchen calls to let me know that both of our cars have been broken into.
lucky for me they just decided to smash my drivers side window...(not sure if i all ready told you that i had to replace my battery, but i did) and go through allllll the shit in my car.
now for those of you that know me, you know that when i say "the shit in my car" you know that it is exactly that-shit.
i do not keep valuable things in my car, and now i try and keep NOTHING in there.
so the coat that i got for free from kelly was about to become a $200-something dollar coat since that is all the a-holes took.
you dumb fucks. you totally missed my checkbook.
HOWEVER....thanks to the wonderful and talented roommates boyfriend from heaven the window was fixed for $60...the day before it started raining like mad.

so anyway...i had a pretty shitty morning and thought wow...this is a bad day to quit smoking....and the election was the next day and then liz was coming in town and amanda's wedding....i really thought this was not the best time.
so i went in and i told my therapist that and as the words came out of my mouth i knew what he was going to say. so i finished my list of reasons of why today was not the day for me with the thought "it is never the right time to quit". i took a few drags off a few cigarettes monday and tuesday and then wednesday was it. done. no mas.
it wasn't that hard...so i am thinkging the hypnosis worked.
i still have the inspirational words taped under my monitor at work.
1) for my body smoking is poison
2) i need my body to live
3) i owe my body this respect and protection
sounds so lame. but it is true. and for me, it worked.
it has been a month now. and i am pretty damn proud of myself.

so i got a new battery. a new window. quit smoking....

and then on the way to work the next wednesday my car died. while i was driving it.
awesome.
$456 later i am the proud owner of the FOURTH ALTERNATOR I HAVE PUT IN THIS BEAST OF A BITCH CAR
why do i still own it?
because i am lazy-duh!

i was supposed to pick up liz the next day from the airport. with high stress and no smoking i rounded up jill (who came and got me) and kelly and we were off to db coopers for drinking and culture.
jill and i drank a little too much and stayed out a little too late and may or may not have sang "summer nights" with two med students.
i woke up a little ashamed and more than a little hungover.
i had to get mcdonalds breakfast....that is where i was at.
i had planned to leave work early, pick up amanda and go get liz. thank god amanda was a calm bride. she came and got me from work. we got some shit together at her house, made a "welcome home beth" sign and headed to the airport to pick up our girl liz.
luckily my car was able to be picked up that evening...because wedding weekend without a car would have been a disater for sure.
that night the ladies all headed to lee's summit to hang out with amanda. we ate a stupid amount of food. murdered a box of franzia. laughed until we almost peed and liz puked.
it was awesome.
we were in bed by 10:30....this was a good thing. as the next day was WATSON WEDDING DAY!!!!
liz and i got up. showered and headed over to the salon so liana could give me the cutest curly 'do ever.
thanks liana...you rock.
loren met us at the apartment and mo picked us up.
from there it was off to the summit for sandwiches, shots, champgna, a serious laugh a thon and a few tears from amanda and her mama at her mom's house.
once the clock struck two we headed over to the mansion to get ready.
and take more shots.
and drink more champagna.
it was all a whirl...and we ran late...and amanda looked absolutly amazing.

the rest of us cleaned up all right too...

the ceremony was short and sweet.
jeremy kept making funny faces at amanda.
i got real nervous during my scripture reading....
no i didn't catch on fire assholes.
they high fived after the kiss.
it was pretty freakin sweet.
then onto the reception.
the cocktail hour was...well...full of cocktails.
the dinner was some of the best wedding food i have had.
and the dancing...well, lets let the picture do the talking

from there we loaded onto a party bus full of booze, friends and GIRLTALK!
needless to say i danced from lee's summit to westport...and the big bruise on my ass for the next week tells me i fell down.
about half of us got off the bus and drug our drunk asses....complete with wedding attire...to kelly's.
the bar. not the friend.
where we met up with this guy
blog readers....meet bryce.

we like this guy.
he is our friend.
i may or may not make a list later of all the reasons i like him.
but for now, we will just leave it as that.
kelly's consisted of more drinking. nipple tweaking. shot taking. bluegrass dancin. and glass breakin.
it all gets blurry after that.
liz and i were home, via cab, sometime between 4:30 and 5:00.

the next day she and i went to breakfast around 8:00...don't ask liz about it.
drove kel, brad and jill back to their cars in the summit.
picked up erin and went to the prop 8 protest on the plaza and then finally hit the couch around 2:00.
neither of us ever got a nap.
but what we lacked in sleep we made up for in laughter.

sisterfriend- that is one of the best couch laying sessions of my life. pound puppies and vacuum cleaners. i fucking love you. nuf said?

we finally took showers and went and met joel and liana for dinner at the vietnamese place in the river market.
for cheating death by drinking, we look pretty good!

from there we went to joels. then to grinders. then liana and joel pussed out.
liz and i went to crosstown.
i fell asleep sitting up at a table at least 3 times while she was outside smoking.
then we went to gilhoulies to see some more of liz's people.
bryce met us there.
then back to the apartment for mario party.
how did we stay up until 4 again? no clue

the next day i had to ship her back to nyc. but what a fabulous weekend.
it is the first time that it has really felt like she was just back to visit. and just back to visit us. and i loved it.

i can't wait to come see you!

amanda...you were a beauty and a joy! you looked like a 40s movie star. and you both glowed all night. i hope that was a sample of what is to come for all of us. i love you moo and i am so very honored to have been a part of your day.

here are a few more of the day...

yes we can...yes we did....yes we will

2008-11-05T11:02:00.020-06:00

this post is parts of emails i wrote to a friend after voting and after the win and of course some of my own ramblings....

i got up at 5:45 to make sure i was at the polls by 6:30. my roommate and a coworker and i huddled together for a little over and hour before we voted. the wind was pretty crisp. people in line were enthusiastic. we met several people that live on our block. i loved the feeling of community.

here i am waiting to vote.

i have never voted so openly in my life. there were people sitting on the floor filling out ballots. it was crazy and awesome. when we were waiting outside a bus full of itty bitty black babies drove by and they were all hanging out the windows yelling for obama. it was pretty precious. where we vote is right off main, so there were tons of people driving by yelling and honking.
i will be devastated if we lose this election. the feeling of driving down the streets of my neighborhood lined with obama signs and fallen leaves has been so comforting. i only want it to be over if he will be our president. i don't want to give up this feeling of hope yet.

nick was not worried at all. but i was still skeptical:
me: OBAMA OR BUST MOTHER FUCKER

Nick: haha

I love it

you are full of piss and vinegar today huh?

me: i am energized and nervous and excited

Nick: me too

and its one of the last remaining beautiful days

me: i know! please please obama!

Nick: its gonna happen, don't sweat it

me: i don't like to count half black presidents before they hatch

but i hope you are right!

Nick: good point, fingers are crossed

after work erin and i headed to 180 for drinks and nibblets. kelly, jill and gretchen met us there. after we all snacked and had a few we decided to go to mccoys. it was packed. we went to riot room. it was empty. so we opted to go to the apartment where we could all sit, hear and see. thank god we always have boxed wine. morgan met us there and we settled in to watch the poll closings.

at 8:30 i received a text from bates telling me to "breathe easy" but we weren't ready yet.
it was still too soon to breathe easy.

after we took ohio we let out the sigh of releif and decided it was time to hit the bars.

we were not 100% yet, but the energy and excitement was building.

we went to the point, where jill and i had watched the 2004 election and cried in our drinks as we prepared for another 4 years of bullshit. there were not a lot of people in the bar and the election was on some tvs and the preseason KU game was on others. it took some convincing to get sound. finally we did. some jackasses were seriously offended that they had to listen to the election while they watched the game.
seriously?
SERIOUSLY?

fuck you white hat. i am pretty sure that is what erin said.

once nbc projected the win we went nuts and when we saw that mccain was conceding it was on.
morgan heard some older "gentleman" at the bar comment that young america voting is like letting a 13 year old drive your car.
fuck you old dude. i am pretty sure this is what morgan was too mature to say.
but i may have...not smoking makes me bitchy.

bates texts "tip your glass dear". i do and then i call him to yell in his ear. followed by my mom and dad and several others.
other texts received: "fucking shit obama is going to win!!!!"
"i'm crying"
"i know! new york is going completely crazy"
"copy that"
"well hot damn! ____ is going to have to concede to a tax break.
poor thing!"
"i love you! yes we can!"

we headed into westport to celebrate. people were honking and yelling and hugging and crying and high fiving. the bar was shoulder to shoulder. i finally got us four shots of jager and sat down just in time for his speech.
the bar was silent when he began.
tears were unstoppable and flowed freely from most.
in fact they are welling up again as i write this.
it was beautiful.
and for the first time that i can remember in my adult life i am proud to be an american.
i feel like my voice is heard.
and i feel like we can make a difference.
i can't believe we did it.
this morning i return to an office full of people that think something bad happened last night.
ignorant small minded fucks.
they will see.
it will take us a while to clean up the mess, but it will happen.

yes we can.

i still can't fucking believe it.
i woke up to an amazing sunrise,

a slight hangover and an overall feeling of hope, accomplishment and happiness.

america. fuck yeah.

red lights....

2008-10-15T21:03:00.003-05:00

for someone who is rarely alone, i feel lonely.
i think lonely is my biggest fear in life.

and i owe someone an apology.

i did not know you were reading this.
the thought never even crossed my mind that you were reading this.
and i don't know if you will ever again.
but i owe you this.

it was so much easier when i thought you had moved on. it made me feel like all the things that i have been telling myself to get through this had been validated. that i didn't know you. that the ending all made sense. that you weren't the kind of person that you are.
but it is not so.
you are human. and i can't say that i have not been seeking false comfort as well.
and as much as it pained me to think what i thought, you had to read what i wrote.
i heard it from someone else. you had to hear it from me.
as i told you, i did not write it to hurt you. i wrote it because i was hurting.
and i will be hurting for a while. i think we both will.
it is not often in life that you have to make a conscious decision to walk away from someone so amazing, who knows you so well, that you know would do anything for you. but we all do. we all have to... at some point. and we all know that dull, constant pain of feeling like you are missing part of you. which part you can't exactly put your finger on. maybe it is a little of my heart, with a chunk of my brain and a splash of my soul.
i wanted it. i wanted us to work so bad. and you did too. and it just wouldn't.
we tried. and tried. and tried. and tried....

you know the rest. no one else needs to.
but i will never forget it.

i hope soon you can sit down with a bottle of red wine, a pack of cigarettes and a box of kleenex and put on your headphone and listen to sad robot.
i can't stop listening to it.
i think you will love it.
it breaks my heart so good every time.....
*sigh.
i wish you nothing but happiness.

.....it rains, it rains...i cry, i cry.....

fuck

2008-10-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

that is all i can say now.
fuck.

two weeks.

2008-10-13T09:18:00.002-05:00

TWO WEEKS????
wow. you must have really loved me.
now i am pissed.
and yes, that fucking hurts.

i didn't think you were "that guy".
shows how much i knew.

you

2008-10-09T08:41:00.003-05:00

you made me feel like walking away from you was going to be my greatest regret.
you told me that no one would love me the way that you did.
you told me you wished that one of us would have cheated so it felt more "official".
you made me feel petty and materialistic for wanting the things i wanted.
you made me feel like a sell out for the career path i have chosen.
you made me feel unappreciated.
you made me think that things would get better.
you refused to see how your actions made me feel.
you would never argue with me, when it could have saved us.
you made me feel like i needed to take care of you.
you made me push you to do things you should have done on your own.
you made me feel like an asshole for wanting more out of you.
you have moved on and replaced me and i thought it would hurt more than it does.

i just wonder if you treat her differently than you treated me or if you really were able to find a girl who is just fine with you telling her how you feel and never fucking showing it.

date.dot.dork

2008-10-06T16:15:00.003-05:00

so dating...
dating is funny to me and to be honest, a totally new concept.
i have met most of the people i have been in relationships with through friends.
people i meet, get to know and then do everything i can to make them like me.
sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. either way, it rarely involved dinner and drinks that i was not expected or allowed to pay for.

lately i have been test driving the world of internet dating.
date.dork is an interesting place for me. i feel like i am interviewing for a job that i have no idea what the requirements are and that i am not really sure that i want.
things the confuse/intrigue/weird me out about date.dork....
men folk...smile in your pictures. you look pretty when you smile and we want to know if you have fucked up teeth before we meet you in person. and don't post pics with babes. i don't care if she is your sister. i don't know that. she looks like an ex girlfriend to me and i am trying to decide if i am as cute as her.
it is okay to tell me i am attractive in an email. in fact, if you are halfway decent looking, it kinda makes my day.
on the other hand, do not send me the same email 3 times over a three week period. it exposes you as the unoriginal douche bag you are.
it makes me feel shallow. i am sure that some of these guys have stellar personalities, but i just KNOW i would not be attracted to them. ever. and is it more cruel to send a prewritten message saying you are not interested or just not respond at all?
etiquette is not my thing in real life (all though i do put on a great act in a fancy situation). and internet dating etiquette...well...i have no clue and i really don't care.
i am pushy. i am blunt. i cuss. there.
i am constantly on the look our for fellow date.dorkers in the real life. what do you say when you see someone that you have looked at their profile on the web and then they are standing in front of you? i mean...you all ready thought about talking to them through the computer, but now that they are right in front of you will you have the balls to say anything? luckily i have not had this problem. i have found my neighbor on there and i see him in real life and one guy that works in my building. wasn't interested online and certainly am not now (read: tapered legged jeans).
date.dork has asked me to throw a lot of the qualities i usually look for in people out the window. there are very few people that are "my type" on there. but obviously "my type" doesn't work for me or i wouldn't be trolling for dudes on the computer.
i hate that it tells me i have 7 new emails, when there really aren't any.
i hate the IM function.
and i hate trying to write an email to a stranger to make them want to hang out with me.
i am so much better in real life. but if i just email people asking them out they think i am being too pushy.

jesus. i just want someone who is taller than me, smarter than me, more attractive than me, who doesn't have a big ego, likes music, wine, books, coffee and wants to sit at home as much as he wants to go shake it. or watch me shake it. or just let me shake it.

i want to shake it soon!

ah fuck. i am way off topic now...

my little artshits

2008-10-05T21:54:00.001-05:00

what i should be doing...reading my book for book club (the beauty myth), cleaning, doing laundry, flossing.
what i am doing...listening to kings of leon. loud. with headphones on. and showing you my art.
tell me what you think. i need to know because sometime i am going to try and sell some of this shit.
so here it is...in some kind of chronological order.
relationshipexperiment
markers, magazine, duct tape, polyurethane on printer paper

are all made on mat board. they were the centers of amanda's mats for a school project.
acrylic and some magazine.

the next two are magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

your ex lover is dead
magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

for kelly

dreamer in the dark

holly's birthday plate
magazine, acrylic and polyurethane on an ugly old plate.

skyybirds
some old print of the woods backed with what seems to be drywall that i pulled from the trash, acrylic

he is my home
collage

no name
acylic, magazine and an old medicine chest

front

side one

side two

mail/magazine block

side one

side two

side three

side four- the main event

the next few are fabric pulled over canvas and topped with acrylic

fifth ave. coloring book

no name

no name

this one is the first time i tried embroidering through the canvas and fabric
still have a little work to do

stacking dolls
acrylic, marker, colored pencil and led on canvas

i hate goodbyes.

2008-10-05T20:35:00.005-05:00

liz left this morning and left me with a ton of great pictures and even more great memories. her timing was perfect. i needed her to be, at the least, on this side of the world and it was even better to have her here in kc. i have kept myself busy for most of the day since she left. now i have been home for a couple of hours, winding down from a long and wonderful weekend, and it is setting in that my best friend is headed to the other side of the country. it doesn't feel like last time. i didn't have to take her to the airport and sit in my car bawling before making the drive home. she will be back for amanda's wedding in november and she is not out of the country. i can pick up the phone and call her. it takes much less time to save $300 than $1200. and goddamnit i love new york city. but i will still miss her. and i am still sitting here crying.
nothing has been able to cheer me up lately quite like a "hey girl" and a hug from my girl liz. life has been interesting in the last few months and i needed a nice big dose of her.
more than anything so i can remind myself, here is what is playing through my mind...
the first hug from someone you have been counting down the days to see, the most intense game of skipbo ever, mgmt, arts and crafts in springfield, mom playing skipbo with us, dad's poopy pants over the grill, sitting out back smoking, the trip to the farm, romeo y julieta, michael phelps winning his last metal, getting too low, the guy with the hot dog, keeping me sane while i was in indy, the fucking geo tracker (fav memory- your arrival at kickball), airport face, girltalk, getting to know this amazing guy that makes you so happy,stars, adam meeting the parents, chickpics, prank phone calls, that bits still knows she is yours, spending time with liana, kings of leon, dancing our asses off at nomath, long talks about life, cherry lime aides, catching up only to realize that we didn't need to...
i will see you soon friend.
nyc will look fabulous on you.

for the sake of the name

2008-09-26T14:33:00.004-05:00

i just realized that i haven't complained in a while...i mean-that is the whole idea behind this blog right?
i mean...things have been sucking at a pretty consistent level for a few months now and i have not taken the opportunity to let you all know just what is pissing me off now.
i think it is because life is shitty for everyone right now, so why does my shit matter. and then i remember you read this to hear me be pissed so here is what my effin issues are...feel free to add on any i forgot ;)

where to start....money. i fucking hate it. i still can't hold onto it, but it is worse now. even staying home has become expensive. i need some of that green stuff because my car is doing everything it can to die. the thought of a car payment at this point in my life makes me ill. i know plenty of you do it, but i don't. and i don't want to. and i don't care how irresponsible it makes me sound.
the anti-christ aka sarah palin. i can't even go into it. she makes me violent. i want to own a gun so i can shoot her in the fucking face and shut her up. this election could lead to mass suicide.
i wish i was kidding.
how does this make you feel... seven hundred billion dollars. and just to hit it home-a billion seconds ago it was 1959. 19-fucking-59.
my sister had my nephew a little over a month ago and he recently came home from the hospital after a long hard battle in the NICU.
clemintine has decided my bed is her favorite place to piss.
and some stupid woman sitting some where near my cube just either sprayed perfume or used the worlds most potent smelling lotion. as a general rule i hate perfume and smelly shit. it makes me cough. and in a cube sea? jesus. it could only be better if they were eating a can of tuna while they spritzed.
it has recently hit me that if i stay at this company the soonest i will get a raise is next october. yes. a year from now. that blows.
the violence in the city is scaring the crap out of me.

i think that is all i have for right now.

the good news is...liz has been home for two months, baby reed is home safe and sound, i now remember what it is like to go on a date and i get to see stars tonight.

hope you are well.
i am thinking about you.

shameless love

2008-09-26T14:30:00.001-05:00

you guys...

i am in love with beyonce.
i listen to the album multiple times a day.
i can't help it.
i will shout it from the rooftops.

I LOVE BEYONCE.

a plea to you.

2008-09-23T13:32:00.006-05:00

open your eyes and allow yourself to be aware of what is occuring.
things are not safe in kansas city.
there has always been crime.
but it is hitting too close to home.
places that i have never thought twice about navigating alone have become crime scenes involving two young women not so different from myself...one who has been in the hospital surviving a gun shot and one who was not so lucky. both attempted robberies.

devin. i cannot believe you are gone. even as i write this part of me just can't wrap my head around it. i just don't want to believe it. i had not run into you in a while but it was always such a pleasure when i did. i will always cherish the laughs. i will always remember that laugh and your smile and your socks. my heart goes out to your family...both your blood family and your friends. this could have been any of us and why it had to be you we will never know.
my promise to you is this- i promise to be safe. i promise to think twice about my surrounding and my actions. i promise to look out for my friends. i promise to not let this harden me, but make me more aware.
this city just isn't the same knowing i won't run into you.

and for the rest of us...
our friends and our instincts are all we can rely on at this point. we have both found ourselves in a group of people that think they own this city and the city is showing us otherwise. it will take us networking and making concessions and compromising in order to keep ourselves and those that we love safe. it will take my group of strong independent women taking a step back and realizing that all though we are strong and we are independent and we are self sufficient that we are still the target for this horrible crimes, simply because we are women. we need to run in packs, we need guys to walk us to our cars and as ridiculous as it sounds, we need to walk around holding mace out so that people know we are aware of what they want to do to us. we need to swallow our pride and ask that security guard or bouncer to walk us to our cars and if these are things we are not willing to make a part of the routine then we do not need to be going out.
there is no need to have another amazing woman injured or killed before we open our eyes to the reality of this world. we are blessed with so many things, but we are fools to think that no one wants to take that away from us.

please be safe. and don't forget to tell people you love them. you just never know...

three beer babble

2008-08-28T22:48:00.005-05:00

this is the thing about relationships...or one of the things...at least the thing i have recently noticed...
just because you love someone does not automatically make them just like you. what you may need more of the other person may not. and what may not be important to you could be very important to the person you love. and you must realize this and be able to embrace it without compromising yourself.
otherwise it just doesn't work. no matter how much love there is.
you cannot lose yourself in love or you sacrifice your own happiness.

a random musical fyi

2008-07-17T10:16:00.007-05:00

concerts of interest coming up….
my morning jacket @ the uptown 8/18
okkervil river @ the bottleneck 9/12
cut copy @ recordbar 9/15
beck and MGMT @ the uptown 9/29
stars @ the granada 9/26
girl talk @ the granada 11/1
of montreal @ liberty hall 11/15

i currently have tickets to beck and girl talk…the rest are pending budget modifications. i will do my damndest to make it to stars and okkervil river

i spent my morning yesterday checking out music i had not listened to before.
the play list included the following:
daedelus
born ruffians
fleet foxes
the brian Jonestown massacre
cut copy
she and him

...then i listened to the new sigur ros over and over again. i adore it. the first song feels like summer and road trips and running through fields with friends. and how can you not love a song called gobbledigook? come on!

there are also new albums out from the faint, the walkmen, girl talk, ladytron and I am sure plenty others that I am missing..

Don’t forget to check out the new radiohead video for house of cards.
…the boys are doing everything their own way. o love it.

what’s new in your music life?

bad blogger! bad!

2008-07-14T18:32:00.001-05:00

i am a bad blogger.
baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

but what can i say? it's summer. i have been busy...and i am totally off my usual routine.
i am writing to you from the dining room/library/craft room/office of my new apartment.
if you have ever been to my old apartment then you can understand how spacious this place has to be to have that much shit in one room. gretchen, myself and the ladies (that is right....four fluffy furry feline friends) moved to hyde park at the beginning of june. gretch all ready lived over here...and although i do miss w.39th... i love it here too. our place feels like home. it is warm and inviting and full of art and books and sunlight. plus it has two balconies, central air, a full size fridge, hardwoods, a mantel, a dishwasher and a fucking garbage disposal.amazing. i am a hard one to please.
oh. and nonsmoking. that is right. it is hard to write and not smoke. it is making it hard for me to concentrate.
so i smoked...outside and remembered all the shit i should be doing.
so off i go. laundry. cleaning. unload dishwasher.
liz comes home from dubai tomorrow. it feels so great to know that she will again be on the same mass of land as me. i wonder what it is like to come home to all of this.

all right.

oh. before i go i would just like to say that if anyone is reading this that knew jana mackey that my deepest condolences go out to you.i had met her once. but that was enough to know that what everyone says about her is true. it is a great loss to her family, friends and the community. in the wake of her loss we should all take a moment and think about something you can do to make this world a better place. that could mean cleaner, greener, safer, more understanding, more loving-compassionate-open, fed, watered or kept clean.
there is something we can can do.
after months of waiting i received two profiles of girls that could be my little sister. i picked the one i thought i could do the most good for. for what i know of her (from a three page summary) she is a happy kid. she just happens to have a single mom that works in the evening. her mom is not much older than me. when the profile told me about the values of her family, her mother wrote that she wants to instill values of independence, right and wrong and letting her daughter know that she can do and become anything that she wants. this is something i can help with. this is something i understand. these are the values that were instilled in me. i think they are priceless. they are my foundation. and as i think about how much these values mean to me, and in the wake of losing a person like jana, i can't help but be a little disappointed in my lack of doing and becoming anything i want.

i hope to change that very soon.

o.p.p.p. other people's pet's piss

2008-05-02T10:46:00.000-05:00

so....i am sure most of you all ready know this, but while i was on vacation i ended up with my neighbor's cat in my apartment. even after i made it as clear as possible that i was going out of town, her cat still managed to do as he pleased...and she still managed to be a total moron.
when erin went over to feed clem and bacon she found romeo in my apartment and a pile of shit on a blanket on my futon. erin was baffled as to how romeo...the cat...got into my apartment, since the screen doors were shut. she (i love you erin) cleaned up the shit and removed the blanket and went down to return the cat and, of course, the neighbor was not home. she called me on vacation. i was shit faced on the beach. it was saturday and erin was working that night. so i call the neighbor and left her a message that i was away on vacation, as i told her, and that her cat ended up in my apartment, so if she wanted to get him before tomorrow night she would have to go to the bar, get my keys from erin, get her cat and take the keys back...which she did. when i came home on monday i went to julie's birthday party and then came home and went to bed. tuesday night gretchen and i signed our lease (oooh! i need to tell you about the new place) and then met jill at harry's to celebrate and soak in the nice weather. jill and i went back to my place for mac and cheese and i discovered a large pile of shit hiding in the blanket on my couch. now if you have a pet you know what your pets shit looks like. it is just part of the gig. i don't think it is possible for either of the ladies to deliver a BM of that size. i cleaned it up and put the blanket with the other soiled one and headed to my room to catch up on the office. after zumba on wednesday it was my turn to have the ladies over for dinner. they all sat in the dining room while i was cooking. after dinner we retired to the living room. for the first time since being home i was finally going to be able to relax in my living room...i sat on the futon with loren and immediately smelled it. we sat on the edge and tried to ignore it, but it stunk. when loren and amanda left i sat on the couch with jill....it stunk too. so as jill was leaving a febreezed the hell out of both of them and went to bed. when i got home from the gym last night i took the covers off. in the light i can see that what i thought was pee is spray. a cat is not able to cover the entire back AND seat of my couch with urine. male cat spray. great.
i can barely stand to be in that room at all.
landlord says it isn't his fault.
renters insurance doesn't cover damage by animals.
the neighbor is at work and will call me tonight.
my mom has suggested white wine vinnegar. just how i wanted to spend my friday....cleaning up someone else's animal's piss out of my furniture.
i am lucky clem and bacon haven't started peeing too.
i hope i can get the smell out.
i really just want it gone.
i can't wait to move.

update:
my neighbor is being really cool about the situation. this makes it all a lot less stressful.
my apartment now smells like vinegar...and i hope it works.

costco sells coffins.

2008-04-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

isn' t that weird?
go to costco.com and search for coffin. i would give you the link but i am too lazy. you can get your coffin expedited for those unplanned deaths and standard for when you know they are going to kick the bucket. you can also purchase urns for human ashes, urns for pet ashes and keepsakes (what ever the fuck those are).
speaking of pets...
my neighbors fucking catS were INSIDE my apartment when i got home.
since the last post, romeo found his way onto my deck again and the neighbor gave me a flower and a note thanking me for taking care of her cats and that hopefully it would stop soon.
well maybe it would stop soon if she...oh...i don't know.....DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
anyway...i came home from work, grabbed laundry, hung out with mo and did laundry at her place, met friends at the p&l (more on that at a later date)...and got home around 10:30. i had left my screen door cracked so my cats could enjoy my balcony in this wonderful weather. when i opened my door bacon was sitting on the back of the futon and then i saw romeo in my dressing room and then a black cat came bounding out of my room...this cat was not clem, it was too big...and as soon as i process that thought here comes clementine tearing after this other cat.
clem is a badass bitch.
so i get both her cats on the balcony. my cats are pissed...clem was at the door hissing and growling at the other cats, bacon was hissing at everything.
i went downstairs...negligent cat mom was not home. i came back up and wrote her a letter on post its explaining that both her cats were on my balcony and gave her my number to call me. i also explained to her that i was going to be out of town for a number of days and that she should probably make sure they don't get on my balcony or i don't know how she will get them back.
then i came into my room and the other black cat jumped on to my window sill...thank god there are two windows and not just one like with the kitchen window...so i pop the screen out, get the cat, throw it in my bathroom. clem is going nuts at the door. bacon is hissing at me and clem and the door. at this point i go back down and write her a fourth post it telling her to call me no matter what time is was. that my cats were going crazy and i wasn't sure what to do with hers.
just when i am about to recreate the makeshift litter box from before, she called. and came up and got them. i carried one down for her. i asked her if she had called the landlord and she said no.
moron.
i told you your cat almost died before and you still don't want to get it fixed? she said she thought she could fix it herself. when i took the cat to her apartment i realized that maybe she didn't want apartment people in there because she has cut circles out of her bedroom door. a good half of the way up. really? (it looks like she traced the bottom of a beer can. great idea...if you own the door you are cutting them out of)
maybe if you spent half of the time it took you to cut holes in your door on patching the goddamn hole in the wall then we wouldn't be in this situation?!?
i once again explained to her obviously aloof self that i would not be here for the next few days and that the cats will be stuck there.
i highly doubt she will do anything. all she needs to do is buy a hook and eye latch and put it where the cats can't reach it. i know, i know, it is rocket science. i am asking a lot here.
after all this shit is done i hear a dog whining...and then barking...and then all the other dogs in the building start barking.
i love animals. it is cruel to keep your big dog locked up in a tiny apartment like this. and if you feel that it is appropriate have some fucking respect for those of us that live here.
i can't wait when i move out to tell them about how i am leaving because of the dogs and i am afraid my med school rock band obsessed weirdo neighbor is going to burn down the building grilling on his wood deck with a synthetic blend awning overhead. that isn't really the reason...but it easily could be.

what all of this has to do with coffins i do not know.

why do people that wear their pants halfway down their ass wear a belt?

2008-04-20T00:29:00.000-05:00

7:15 am alarm........2.something mile earth walk....too much coffee....breakfast with the peeps....db coopers...gilhoulys....
drinking with co workers...dance party at my place
attempted dancing at jilly's. apparently it wasn't open. then to 180 where we found out dusty hates acid jazz...no seats at harry's...everyone bails but dusty, gretch and me. next up:fucking buzzard.
spotted a heard of 23 year olds...gretch asked to rip ones shirt off...it was a snap button get up with a horrid gray wife beater under...i mean the top shirt was white for fuck sake. he was a cancer....from 1984. cancers. eh. i told him i was a gemini from 1972....he said i looked good. i told him i use expensive face cream. if i look good for 35 apparently i need to use expensive face cream too....i am 25 after all.
idiot at buzzard. i really should know better.

spring cleaning

2008-04-17T17:33:00.001-05:00

i bitched about it being rainy and blah all day at work, but now that i am home i am so thankful for it. a cleansing that has been much needed. if i didn't have plans tonight i would just paint...even though i should be cleaning and almost every item of clothing i own is dirty.

i am glad my bed hasn't been transformed to a water bed...i really should close my windows when i go to work. i will never learn. it is okay.

it's a boy!!!!!

2008-04-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

my grandmother gave birth to four boys...
between the four boys there are seven granddaughters ....
from the seven granddaughters there are six great granddaughters...
after 13 girls on the maples side of the family we will finally have a boy!

my sister will be having her second child at the end of august (we are hoping on grandma's birthday)....and mr.reed tomas feliciano will be the first boy since my youngest uncle was born.

i am so excited!!!

why do i suck at money?

2008-04-08T15:29:00.000-05:00

hi. my name is terra. i am 25 and i have no clue how to budget my money.
i am fully aware that this shit does not grow on trees....yet i go ahead and act like it does anyway. i have a job-a decent paying job, and yet i still find myself living like i am in college.
i think my standard of living was actually higher in college....this could be part of the problem.
all right idiot girl. no one wants to hear your lame excuses. what is it going to take for you to remove your head from your anus and live like a responsible adult? great fucking question! i set up a budget using an online company at the beginning of march. i updated it for the first time today. really effective.
it is sick how much money i spend on dining out, drinking in public and smoking....
in january i reported to the handy dandy online bean counter that i spent $351 on eating and drinking...this doesn't include krismas money that magically disappears. in february i stayed levelish at $377 and then went balls out in march at $515.
seriously. this figure does not include gas, smokes, food bought at the grocery...........or shoes.

i have a problem. i am a sick, sick person. someone help me.

unwelcome house guest

2008-04-05T15:44:00.000-05:00

when i got up this morning i was a little surprised to find my neighbor's cat on my balcony. this was a fairly common occurrence last fall. there is a hole in the exterior wall of the building that i assume is where the old balcony support used to be. apparently when they built the new balconies they found it unnecessary (aka they are lazy) to fill in that hole. that is going to have to be fixed. the cat that lives in the apartment below me makes it's way up to my balcony by jumping from the rail of the balcony below, into said hole and up onto my balcony. this always happens when my neighbor is not home. i was running late for zumba so i didn't have a chance to see if she was home before i left, so when i came home i took the cat downstairs to return it and- shocking-she was not home. i brought the cat back up and put it back on my balcony and put a post it on her door. bacon and clementine are not too found of the visitor on the porch. bacon just seems pissed that she missed her chance for outside sunning. clementine, on the other hand, made it her business to hiss, growl and bat at the unwelcome visitor through the screen. the cat wandered around on the porch and walked on the rail. this made me extremely nervous as i live on the fourth floor. i gave the cat water since i have no clue at what point last night or this morning it made it's way up here. that seemed to appease it for a while and then it started to cry. it is nice outside, but fairly windy and it wanted in. that was not an option. i thought maybe it was hungry. i debated (as i have before in this situation) as to whether or not i should give it food, because i don't want to reinforce this habit. at the same time i feel bad for the lil guy. so as i went into the kitchen to get food the cat jumped from the balcony onto the small stone ledge of my kitchen window. it is a pretty decent sized leap. shit. now what? it is not possible to remove the screen without popping it out, which would knock the cat off the ledge. so bronson and i decide to use the backboard we painted as a bridge for the cat. as i am getting the board out the cat nearly falls off the window. a feline fatality would have really put a damper on this lovely day. so eventually we get the cat to walk up the board and get it back on my deck. we popped the screen out in case it happened again, which it did shortly after. for the sake of my own sanity this poor cat is now locked in my bathroom, with clementine on the other side of the door hissing and growling. this is not my ideal saturday. nor am i excited about the prospect of cleaning up piss and shit from an animal that does not belong to me.
when will this woman get home?
when will she realize that she shouldn't let the cat out on the balcony when she isn't home?
and what the hell am i going to do with a random cat in my bathroom?
i thought about hoisting it down in a laundry basket, but i have no rope and would feel horrible if something happened. i can't really just chuck it back down there.
it won't stop crying. i feel so bad.
jesus. i just wanted to read and paint.

stagnant people...they make seats for your kind

2008-04-03T15:11:00.000-05:00

all right kansas city. i hear you bitching because this show or that one skipped over our sweet lil midwestern city. and i am right there bitching with you. but then, when there is a lovely show like last night's line up at the uptown of spoon, the walkmen and the white rabbits, you-as a collective city-totally blow it. i stood a third of the way back on the crowded floor and watched a good majority of you as you just fucking stood there. i mean you paid money for this show, right? or at least got there super early with your free camel ticket to make sure you got in? but once you were in, you just stood there. i can't imagine how much fun it ISN'T to play to a room full of stagnant people. it isn't even fun to be in the audience with what could just as easily have been a thousand card board cut outs. so laugh, scream the words, close your eyes and take it all in but please please please for the love of music move your body.
if you find that you are unable to complete this small feat then go sit down so i can get closer.

as much as fun as gretchen and i made of the kid with the hemp necklace and the beanie who was more or less trying to mosh...well, at least homeboy was feelin' it.

besides the totally lame crowd the show was a pretty damn good time. next up.....radiohead. nothing like a bunch of mean ass stl folk. but i bet they will move.

mind fucked

2008-04-03T15:09:00.000-05:00

http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52947.asp

in case you live under a rock, there is a man in oregon that claims to be the first man to ever get pregnant. except for the fact that HE STILL HAS A VAGINA, A UTERUS, OVARIES AND FALLOPIAN TUBES. if a person feels that their sexual genetic makeup does not correspond with who they are and feel that it is necessary to live as the other sex in order to live their life in happiness, then more power to you. you are a man. you have testosterone pumping through your body. you can grow a beard...but you are not male. at least not to me. male means XY and a package. this man has had sex reassignment surgery, but only up top. according to the article in the advocate, due to this surgery he is considered legally to be a male and in turn is legally married to his wife.
this brings up a whole other slew of mental turmoil for me.
so you are telling me that the government denies the rights of marriage to gays and lesbians, but if one member of the pair would either have their breast removed or have breast implants ( i am assuming this works both ways for being considered "legally" male or female) that they could be legally married and have all the rights of any other married couple? that is bullshit. how can two people with vaginas get married just because one of them can grow a beard, when two beard free women are not allowed? seriously?!? a set of tits or lack thereof is not what makes a person a man or a woman. i can not believe this flaw in our judicial system! (well i can, but...ya know) i also can’t believe how openly this man flaunts it. i am sure there are other FTM people in the world that have given birth, but they do it for their own personal reasons. i don’t understand what this dude is trying to accomplish.
if i were homosexual i would be so pissed.
shit- i am straight and i am fuming.
give people equal rights.
don’t let a set or a lack there of decide it.
and don’t claim that you are the first male to get pregnant unless you are going to squeeze a baby out of your dick.
ugh. america you make me sick sometimes.

my new soap box

2008-04-03T15:04:00.000-05:00

as if my rants on my myspace were not enough i have decided to take this shit public.
obviously this blog is not for the young or faint of heart.
i like to cuss. i like to talk about politics. i like to go out in public and make mental notes about the ridiculous stuff i see and make fun of it later. i like to let people know what i am up to, whether it is exciting or not. and i especially love to complain about what gets under my skin-from that shitty waiter at red robin to this wonderful world we humans have created.
so welcome to my soap box.
if you don't like it then don't tell me, because i don't care.