mama needs new (or slightly used) shoes damnit!

money. i hate you. you ruin me.
yet i do not seem to be in any kind of rush to earn more of it.
when i am getting paid all five fifths of my salary i do all right.
my life is not lavish, but i can splurge on a few things here and there.
but with the car payment and the pay cut those splurges are few and far between
*sigh- woe is me

i can't believe you guys let me get away with bitching about this mundane shit.
i mean in the grand scheme of things, i have it good!

anyway....

fall is creeping up on us(all though i am not convinced that summer ever really got here-which is okay by me)and i love fall clothes.

i think it is my favorite season to get dressed in….
jeans.
light sweaters.
hoodies.
boots.
sandals.
layers.
the start of scarf season.
mmmmm...
my wish list has all ready begun, all though the finances of it all really put a damper on it.
just like when any new season rolls around, i find myself asking “what the fuck did i wear last insert season here?”
also, each season i like to get a couple key pieces to update my wardrobe from the year before.
then i round out the rest at target .
i am really loving the gap’s boyfriend line.
i have found what i hope to be my first purchase

i may have a mustard yellow addiction to rival my purple fit from last fall/winter.
what can i say? i am a sucker for jewel tones.

and apparently black is the new black this fall.
praise jesus!

this morning i turned to miss. carlew to complain about my lack of wardrobe and lack of money to do anything about it.
feeling equality as broke and unsatisfied by her wardrobe she suggested a swap party!
recently i was invited to a swap by a friend, but was not able to make it.
you can host a swap for a number of things...books, cds, housecrap...
ours will be for clothes and accessories.
everyone brings a certain number of goods and then you take turns picking out things from what everyone else brings.
needless to say, I LOVE party planning!
and i am excited to get rid of some things that are wasting away in my closet.
it seems so much easier to get rid of that blouse that has never been worn, when it is going to a good home.


part of a successful swap is inviting people that are roughly the same size, so if you aren’t invited, it isn’t because we don’t love you, it is because you are too fucking skinny!
expect this to be happening before my vacation.
that is right!
VAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
bryce and I are going to seattle for 10 days around labor day!
his sister is getting married, so we decided to turn it into a vacation.
i can’t wait.
i have never been to the northwest, yet have always had a fondness for it…

going into this swap i have high hopes for jeans, light sweaters and maybe even a dress!
i have a ton of purses and shoes to part with and some cute stuff that just isn't me...or doesn't fit!



also, as a side note…i miss blogging.
i hate that i don’t do it more.
perhaps i need to set aside time in my life specifically for it.
i am going to leave myself with this thought (since I may look at my blog more than anyone else…) that also came up in conversation with sarah…

when am I ever going to follow a freaking dream?

“we have been friends together in sunshine and in shade.”

(quote by caroline norton)

i know i have said it a lot lately.
but i really mean it...and whenever it is time for us to come together-be it a birthday party, a promotion, a layoff, or a loss- i feel overwhelmingly grateful and, for lack of a better word, blessed by my amazing and caring friends. all though all of us have varying levels of friendship with each other, when one of us is in need, all of us are there.
not every one is fortunate enough to have this kind of chosen family.
and i could burst with the amount of love i have for you all.



to my beans... i love you.
you are stronger than anyone will ever know.
you are an amazing woman.
your mother was an incredible woman who raised two strong, beautiful, independent, intelligent, sweet, amazing daughters. one of whom i am lucky to call a best friend. i daily reap the benefits of the values she has instilled in you.
her laughter was infectious and i am lucky to have the memories i have with her.
may these next two days allow you some closure, some peace and a time to celebrate the life of your mother.
i know that no words are the right words at a time like this....
you and your family are in my thoughts always.

the plan...an update

i am about three weeks into the plan and things are going all right.
the scale seems to be sitting at about 163, but i am not dreading putting on pants lately.
i feel better just knowing that i am doing something about it.
i have not been getting as much cardio (aka zumba) in as i want...i KNOW jeanee, we have THREE options now.
but have enjoyed the addition of morning walks on tuesday and thursday.
my energy level on some days is a little low.
still getting used to the getting up early and since i don't stick to it EVERY day i feel like i give my body a hard time.
my partner in crime has fallen off the early morning workout bandwagon, which also makes it hard to get up.
i find that if i have someone meeting me i will get up.
don't want to be late!
don't want to break plans!
jill and i have received some great support from the guys at the gym.
there are still those douche bags that look at us like we are in their way.
but they can fuck off.
one of our favorite instructors and trainers, keith, seems to always have a client when jill and i are lifting.
he always drops words of encouragement when he passes us.
and has made it a point to make us feel great about lifting.
knowing that he is supportive is a good reassurance.
he won't let us walk around looking like crazy, buff women.
another guy at the gym yesterday came over when we were doing our bench presses to tell us how impressed he is to see girls on the bench.
he also pointed out that we should get gloves so we won't have "man hands".
i couldn't agree more.
last night keith helped us out with our form on a few things between his client and his class.
he also told us about "the new rules of lifting for women" .
the slogan is "lift like a man. look like a goddess."
ha!
there is also a "forum" for the book.
everything that i have read looks very inspiring.
it has six months worth of work outs, with pictures and explanations of how to perform the lifts, as well as a nutrition guide.
so many girls, including myself, are scared of bulking up.
but the more i read the more it becomes clear that it will not happen.
and it is amazing that you can get so much out of so little time at the gym.

i still feel the same way-i don't think that the scale is going to be the indication of success for me.

the cooking has been going well.
the weekends still get a little out of control...
but at least i am thinking about what it is going to do to me.

i hope to pick up this book tonight.
i am a little afraid to get it before i finish the book club read, but i just can't wait to dig in.

i hope the rain isn't getting you too down...
it will be ninety before you know it.

where are my words?

it kills me to know that you are hurting.
and that there is nothing i can do to fix it.
or ease it.
or make it better.
i wish i could take it on for you.
absorb it.
but i can't.

i don't even know if i am doing a good job being here for you.

i don't even know what to say to you.
i just want to hold onto you and hope that you can feel my empathy.
i wish i could just hug the hurting away.
but i can't.

i hope the pain dulls.
i hope this weekend offers you some kind of closure.
some kind of peace.
and a chance to say goodbye...

i don't know why it is so hard for me to spit out.
i don't think i have said anything to your face.
when you told me all i could spit out was your name.
i can hardly find the words now...talking to a screen that i don't even think you read.

babe, i am so sorry for your loss. so sorry for your pain. so very, very sorry....
i feel so much more than that, but that is all that i can seem to get out.
i am so sorry.

thankful and bitter

so i still have a job.
well...4/5ths of a job.

for the past two years of working at penton i have has summer hours.
this wonderful little gift of paid half days every other friday between memorial day and labor day.
last summer we had full days off to lift our spirits after the salary freeze went into effect.
with summer starting to creep into our minds we all began to wonder about summer hours.
surely they would give them to us.
we are still in a salary freeze and moral around here is shit.
this is the one thing they can do for us that doesn't cost them anything.
surely....

WRONG.
oh, we are still getting fridays off this summer.
in fact we get EVERY friday off.
and we don't get paid for them either.
around 2:30 yesterday a random meeting reminder for something that i knew was not previously on my calendar popped up.
"company wide announcement"
summer hours??- was my first thought
then i remembered that in corporate america they send company wide good news in emails.
and company wide bad news comes in department meetings, to make us feel like they care about us individually...followed by an email outlining the shittiness.
you can take a gander at ours here

if you read through all that bullshit, which i myself have not yet, you will see that we have some options.
we can take a 18.5% pay cut between may 22 and september 4.
or a 9.85% pay cut between may 22 and the end of 2009.
i have until the 15th to decide.
intense ass raping for three months?
or moderate paycheck molestation for the end of the year?

decisions...decisions...

the good news...
i have every friday off this summer.
my vacation days will go further than they did last year.
i still don't think i will get laid off.

the bad news...
money...isn't it always the bad news?

at this point my main concern is paying my car payment.
and getting my ass to colorado this summer.

so if you know anyone that needs a friday baby sitter, let me know.

the plan

so things have gotten a little out of control.
workouts have been missed.
meals have been more delicious and less nutritious.
and as a result of this my waistline-and most everything else-has expanded.
a few weeks ago when i went home i stepped on a scale.
i am not a huge fan of scales.
i grew up in a home without a scale.
i feel like you should be comfortable in your skin and that should be your indicator.
how your clothes fit and how you feel, not a number.
i knew i was not in the kind of shape i wanted to be in and wanted to see just how out of control things have gotten.
168 pounds worth.
this is the heaviest I have been in my life.
my weight fluctuates fairly regularly and within about a 10 pound range.
the goal weight has always been around 150.
my usual weight is 155-160.
i have some work to do.
and, luckily, my partner in crime is on board with me, which will make this much easier.
a cooking light cook book was purchased, as was a scale.
several of the ladies are on the band wagon, creating a much needed and appreciated support system.

here is the deal with my body image…
I am all right with my body.
I am aware of my body.
there are times I want to better my body.
but I always love my body.

and here is the plan…
the new routine includes getting up around 5:45 am.
lifting weights with kelly before work on monday and thursday.
light weights and zumba with jill on tuesday and wednesday.
and perhaps friday mornings with jill as well.
something either on saturday or sunday…outdoorsy or fun or whatever.
and one day off.

bryce and i claim our nights for cooking dinner and we go from there.

watching the alcohol intake.

it is thursday.
the plan took effect on monday.
i feel like my body is starting to get used to it.
i am not STARVING all the time.
i am not tired all afternoon.
i still want to go to bed right at ten….if not before.
i am happy.
i am in a good mood.
i am excited to watch things change.
i am proud of the decision to be more respectful and protective of my body.
and, like so many things, this has shown me how important it is, and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system.

with all that said…let us see how i do this weekend.


spring has sprung….i hope you are happy.

some kind of update

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.