all right. here we go...

tomorrow begins (what feels like) the first day of a new me.
i feel like i am on the cusp of something major that i have wanted for a long time...
to be a healthy person.
bryce and i agreed to not eat out for the month of january, but i felt like i needed something else.
my cousin started the south beach diet and she looks and feels wonderful.
but i knew that wasn't  the right fit for me.
i also tossed around the ideas of eating gluten free.
but again, didn't feel like the right fit.
while visiting brcye's brother and his family in arkansas, di (his sister-in-law) and i had a chance to talk about our plans for the new year.
she and i used to walk together when they lived in kc and we always chat about diet and exercise, among many other things, when we get to hang out.
we talked about how it would be nice to be able to have an open dialog with someone- to share successes and setback and frustrations and milestones with.
i initiated our first email yesterday.
since then i have also talked to bryce's sister, mere, and she is in too.
i think this little support system, along with jill's enthusiasm for the gym, will be a welcome addition to this new lifestyle.
we are a bit spread out....arkansas, kansas city and seattle....but i think this can also work to our advantage.
we all have our own reasons for wanting to get in shape.
we all have our own goals.
we all have our own obsticals.
and we all are trying different diets.
weight watchers.
the dr.oz diet.
and mine, the mayo clinic diet.
realsimple (my bible) suggested this diet to me (in a mass email).
so i thought i would check it out.
i looked into it online and it is, in fact, from the actual mayo clinic.
and it is also, in fact, very reasonable.
i went out yesterday in the bitter cold and picked it up. there is also a journal, that i passed on, and their cookbook, which i plan to get.
the first part of the diet last for two weeks, the "lose it" phase.
this phase is set to jump start your weight loss and healthy living.
it is set up to add five good habits- eat breakfast, eat fruits and veggies, eat whole grains, eat healthy fats and move!  (as in exercise)
break five bad habits- limit screen time (only as much time watching tv or surfing the web as you spend excercising), no sugar (this means booze too friends), no snacks (unless it is fruits and veggies), moderate meat and low-fat dairy and no eating out.
and to add five "bonus" habits- keep a food log, keep an activity log, eat "real" food (not processed), move more and write down daily goals.

the screen time will be hard for me...we don't watch a lot of tv, but i do spend a lot of time on the computer. i will be keeping track of my diet and exercise online and also plan on blogging about my experience. i have decided that time spent blogging doesn't count as "screen time" because writing more is an ongoing goal for me.
it will also be a challange to plan my meals for the week to make sure that i am staying within the food pyramid that has been provided for me.
again. i think it is very reasonable, but will certainly be a  change for me.

as another attempt to keep myself accountable i am going to make the logs open to the public. you can check them out here .

i know that many others are setting out on the same quest as i am and i invite you to share your successes, setbacks, new recipies, questions, comments or general bitchiness with me here.
i will be right there with you.

last new years i asked the universe for higher lows and in turn i would take lower highs.
and i got what i wanted, well kinda.
i got something better... higher lows and higher highs as well.
i am not even sure where to start.
i rang in the new year last year as a total shit storm.
i am still embarrassed to this day.
i no longer drink like i used to.
i fucked up my foot.
bryce left for another long stint in flordia and i realized just how much i valued having him in my life.
and once he came home he had a hard time getting rid of me.
a very hard time.
someone once told me that i was wanting too much out of a relationship and that they didn't think any one person would ever make me completely happy.
i knew they were wrong when they said it.
bryce has now proved it.
i ate oysters for the first time and didn't throw up.
clementine found a happy and loving home with loren and jeffrey.
i had a lovely brooklyn vacation with my girl liz.
and went on the first of many (and hopefully many more) camping trips to jimmy's farm.
i went to bryce's hometown for the first time.
and had a wild night in pittsburg, ks and slept the stinkiest hotel room ever.
i got to know ryan and dionne.
and am very thankful to have both of them as my friends.
and to get to be a part of their boys' lives and watch them grow and change.
i went on my first long distance bike ride and loved it.
i felt the pain of the economic climate as i took a pay cut, but did enjoy the fridays off that i received in return.
i got to be present as kelly and sarah married amazing men.
and had a bitchin good time at both of their receptions.
i turned 27 and had a wonderful birthday in the park.
i got a new boss, someone who i can respect and learn a lot from.
and who also happens to be an amazing person.
great times at the lake, learning to wake surf and get up on the wake board.
i look forward to getting back down there as soon as it is warm enough.
i really reconnected with my high school friends and am so thankful to have them as an active part in my life.
i missed you girls more than i realized.
i met liz in iowa for an adventureland good time. i will take her any way i can get her.
reed turned one and bryce came to the fair with me.
both of which were very good news.
we went to seattle for an amazing vacation and i got to know bryce's family better.
orcas island...need i say more?
i hope to go back sometime...and also go to victoria.
the space needle and utilikilts and amazing food and mike and mere.
and luna.
sweet, funny, dopey little nuner.
well, not so little any more.
i found out about my thyroid issues.
thanksgiving without my memi.
and three extra christmases.
and bryce home with me for the holidays.
we wrapped this year up with a fancy pot luck dinner party at home.
with great food and great friends.
i woke up the next day tired.
but without a hangover, without regrets and with a total recollection of the night before.
 2009 was good to me.

i hope 2010 has similar things in store for all of us.

cheers friends!

three down, three to go

so i am one half of the way through the christmases.
bryce gave me the computer about 3 weeks ago.
i followed up last week with his...
two pair toe-mittens- assisting in winter chacos wearing
one pair charcoal over the knee socks- for winter kilt wearing (don't worry. he has all ready ruled out the kilt, sock, chacos option for winter)
one set poaching pouches-for poaching eggs and so much more
one microplane medium ribbon grater- two words: goat cheese.
one tom petty 4 disc anthology and the new muse album- for the ears and the road
one set whiskey stones- for classy drinking
one gap green plaid  button down shirt goodness- because i love a man in plaid
one frame- with a picture and a patch from the peddlers jamboree last memorial day weekend.
and he didn't see any of it coming.
and really enjoyed it all.
that is the best reward of giving a gift.
showing someone that you are listening.
that you know them.


last friday marked the start of bryce's family christmas/birthday/weekendfunfest.
bryce's oldest sister got here friday night.
and i went out with her and a good friend of hers.
first i took them to the r bar, which i had really been wanting to check out, to say hi to my pumpkin, sarah.
from there we went to the p&l.
that's right.
as you can imagine i drank a decent amount.
it helps that bryce's sister is a tall, thin, blonde with a wonderful smile.
i gladly accepted the drinks.
she also spent much of her night complimenting people about the most ridiculous things...like telling douche bags that their barb wire arm band tat "makes their guns look big"...she was hilarious.
it was douche tastic and full of lots of ridiculous dance moves and affliction shirts. 
i had a really fun night.
when we got home we both soaked our feet in hot water.
i have not been out dancing in heels in quite some time.
poor toes.

the next day was christmas at bryce's grandma's.
his dad is one of 7? or maybe8?
they are fun and remind me of my mom's side.
this is quite a compliment if you are familiar with my relationship with my extended family.
they have two gift exchanges- one for the women and one for the men.
it is one of those deals where you can open something new or steal something someone else had all ready opened.
i had heard several conversations about these exchanges and it seemed like it would be quite the ordeal.
and it was.
and i really enjoyed it.
i ended up with pyrex bowls and measuring spoons.
both of which i was happy to have.
they are very sweet, fun people.
and they cuss and drink. always a plus to me.
there are siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins of all ages that all have real relationships with each other.

i love family.

yesterday we celebrated birthdays.
all three of his nephews have birthdays in december, so we had cake and they opened presents.

tonight was christmas.
they were saying in a hotel, so we packed the car full of all the gifts (we had his other sister, who stayed back in seattle, gifts too-the vibe was full) and headed over.
they take turns as much as possible with the little ones, like my family does.
and for the first time in my life i found myself in the inner workings of a different family's christmas.
and it didn't feel strange at all.

tomorrow and wednesday i will be seeing some of my favorite friends.
both old and new.
and then on thursday we will pack the car again, this time with the dog, and head down to my parents.
there we will finish the last three.

happy holidays friends.
i look forward to the year end wrap up.
....my third year in review.



***after writing this i realized that year one was on myspace.
so i went out and grabbed it.

january 2, 2008

*sigh

the holidays....
what an interesting time.
friends home for the holidays.
second job.
four days in springfield.
adorable niece with an attitude.
my mama, my daddy, my sister and tony.
the let down of my cousin brooke and her fiance bobby not making it to springfield, meaning i won't get to touch her pregnant tummy.
go karts and four wheelers and our first christmas not at granny's.
finding out i am going to be an aunt again.
my dear dear nancy.
the loss of my two favorites.
finally getting to see my gretchypoo.
slumber party at holly's.
feeling like i just can't get it together.
crafts night with the girls. i never thought i would see a room full of my friends sewing and knitting and crocheting and making paper...but it happened and it will happen again.
justin- if you are reading this you are a fucking trooper!
new friends.
new years.
white people listening to a white band play hip hop and living it up.
dancing and drinking and a girl scout's promise to not cry at midnight that i almost kept.
erin biting my lip.
morgans loft, my home away from home.
movies. movies. movies.
friends and blankets and couches and tears and laughter and boxed wine and too many cigarettes to count.
regrets and dreams and hopes and fears and trying not to drown in it all.
and a fucking flat tire today.

happy new year friends.


to my sweet sweet baby boy-
i miss you everyday....so does bits.
so do a lot of people.
you were loved and you were happy and i am sad we only got 4 years together, but i wouldn't trade them for the world...




pics by momofoto

94.9 kcmo has it going on

i am writing to you from the new netbook that bryce got me for christmas.
he couldn't wait.
i tried to wait.
but i am not good at waiting (if my family reads this they will agree, possibly my friends as well).so when he asked for the second or third time i totally caved.
it is little and cute and the same color as my car and i really really like it.
i originally bought bryce a xm skydock.
but then decided against it.
now i have bought a bunch of smaller gifts.
i ordered most of them online...sorry local community.
i rarely ordered online before this year.
but for gift giving i get to research my ideas.
narrow things down.
and put them in a virtual cart so i can look over them for a while and make good decisions.
most of my online buying is gifts, so there is no buyers remorse as far as the spending goes.
i have been having all his gifts delivered to work. so he can't intercept them.
my coworkers sometimes join me as i open the packages with excitement.
usually knowing exactly what the package contains.
anyway...
i would tell you what i got him, but sometimes people read this thing.
i would hate to spoil christmas, even though as soon as i have his gift ready, which will likely be before christmas, i will give it to him.

'tis the season for reflection and excitement about the future
i didn't make a new years resolution.
but i did put some mile markers out there in front of me.

here is the progress report:


i wanted to be a healthier person
(read:do not confuse with i want to be skinny).

losing weight is not easy.
and if it is easy for you please don't tell me about it.
i will hate you out of jealousy.
this has probably been my healthiest year in my adult life.
i have maintained a good work out schedule for at least half of the year.
i eat better.
i have made great strides in learning to like mushrooms.
i don't drink as much.
i don't smoke 5-8 packs of cigarettes a week.
i eat breakfast.
i don't party every weekend.
i fear the hangover.
i get good sleep.
i am cognizant of when i am and am not being fair to my body.
i very recently started keeping a food journal.

and i have plenty of room for improvement.

one of my biggest problem is the work lunch.
i love the places we go to eat for lunch.
but it is expensive. and not so great for me. and all too tasty.
we split most of the time when we go out.
but it adds up.
both in dollars and fat.
i am trying to eat 7 servings on fruit and veg a day.
i know that this is still below the recommended level.
i am working on it.
i will never be tiny.
two main reasons:
1. i think i would look weird as a size 4
2. i am not that disciplined
3. cheese
i don't want to be tiny. i want to be healthy.
and i feel like i am headed in the right direction.


i wanted to show my art.

next week i am signed up to show some artshits at a company craft show.
i bet they won't let me call them artshits at work.
what about artsh*ts?
i realize this is no gallery showing, but it is a step in the right direction.
and an etsy shop will be coming as well.
no more excuses of not knowing how to price things.
the worst thing that could happen is that i could end up not selling anything.
and pretty much ever scenario other than that is a step up from where i currently am.


and i wanted to write more often here.

a while ago-you know when i was ready to take blogging more seriously and then didn't post for months- i signed up for this program that tracks my stats.
i pretty much only pay attention to how many people read this blog.
the last posy received 113 views in one day.
that felt pretty sweet.
i know a number of my friends read.
i love their comments.
and it is better than a mass email to let them know what is going on with me.
i know facebook says differently, but i do not have 113 close friends.
who all reads this guy?
do you like it?
are you just bored at work? do you find it entertaining?
have you ever told anyone else about it? have you started reading it from someone else telling you about it?
are we acquaintances or co-workers and you feel like you know me a little better from reading this?
does it annoy you that i ignore all grammar rules, except spelling (thanks to firefox) and especially the one about paragraphs.
and i use periods. but still don't punctuate correctly?
can a lady get some feedback?

that is all i have for now friends.
i had a few things on the list for tonight...gym. walgreens. eat dinner at home. blog or read or watch tv.
and for the final one i will read a little about how to work this new piece of machinery.
and then off to bed i go.
at least tonight it is a steamy 23 degrees.
it was 8 degrees at this time last night.

i hope this finds you well.
goodnight friends.
and happy holidays.

while i am here...

i might as well update you on my exciting and simulating life.
i haven't blogged since september.
whenever you see a post from me where i talk about how much more often i am going to blog, you should expect a break...

last time i wrote shopping seemed to be about all i was up to.

i dried the long and leans and now they are just a simdge too short.
it bothers me, but they fit up top.

hm. so since then...

bryce and i went on vacation to seattle and had a great time.
we got to see the city and hang out with family and friends. and orcas island was amazing. and we went on a biplane ride. and i wasn't scared in the space needle. and bryce bought a utilikilt.

we got luna, the worlds most ferocious watch dog.
we went camping.

i feel down the stairs and had to call into work because my ass hurt so bad.
i had a bitchin bruise for quite some time.
my left ass cheek looked like it got punched by the hulk.
my boss offered to bring me her 'roid doughnut, but i passed.
the doughnut is not designed to deal with butt cheek pain.
it would be like an inflatable thong.
very uncomfortable.

i made where the wild things are costumes with dusty for halloween.
i was impressed.

i also found out that i have a bit of hypothriodism.
it and the cheese are equal parts responsible for the great 2009 weight gain.
so i am taking the meds for it.
i am also currently trying to make myself understand that just because i am taking a pill doesn't mean that i will be instantly lighter.
it will come with time.
and more time at the gym.
bryce bought a fire pit.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
a good amount of crafting...both arts and beer.
dinners.
drinks.
a stupid amount of rock band.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
life is good to me.

thanksgiving was good.
i had a pre thanksgiving freak out, but everything ended up being wonderful.
we cooked on wednesday night and ate with a good mix of friends and family.
bryce cooked an 11 pound ham for eight hours.
it was amazing.
we used three 3 quart casserole dishes.
and amanda proved to me that frozen winter squash puree is a fine substitute for pumpkin pie filling.
ham and cheesey potatoes.
and wine and rockband.
took luna to the dog park for the first time.
got to spend some time with mere before she went back to seattle.
spent some time with bryce's family.
laid around all day and did nothing in pjs.
got out of pjs only to shower and put pjs back on.
and spent more time with friends.
the weather on friday was amazing.
spent more time with family.
and then more time with friends.
and thought about all the many, many, many things that i am thankful for.
and then did a zillion loads of laundry.
cleaned the house.
and began the countdown to christmas.

my shopping is ALMOST done.
of course last min i change my mind on bryce...

i am very excited to see my family. very, very excited.

if i don't talk to you or see you before, then happy holidays!
be safe. stay warm. be thankful.
and send a warm thought out to those who are facing hard times.
things are certainly not easy for everyone right now now.

heart broken

an old coworker of mine keeps a blog.
she and i worked in the same building but seldom spoke.
always friendly, but not friends.
she was laid off in the first round of layoffs.
and then we became friends on facebook.
and she began posting her blog there. and i began to read.
at first it was fun to get to know a different side of someone.
and then i looked on her online profile...and found another blog where she first wrote about the horrible time life was giving her when trying to get pregnant. and getting pregnant. and losing babies.
and i was floored.

and my heart hurt for her.
maybe i am finally mature enough to fathom the pain a mother feels when losing a child.
i almost tear up just writing about it.


and then she started sharing these experiences on her main blog.
and i was so proud of her and so impressed by her courage.
there are always things that i have wanted to write about here, but have never been courageous enough just to say them.
to tell the whole fucking world.
no care of who is listening.
this is me. here i am. here is my shit. take me or leave me.

and i love her for it.
i was truly excited for her, as i would be a best friend, when i read that she was pregnant.
and it hurt even worse when she wasn't anymore.

and now. after more ups and downs. more positives and then negatives.
she is pregnant. real live baby bump pregnant.
and had to tell her four year old today that her daddy didn't want to be with her mommy anymore and i am sick.

just sick.

i want to fix it. i want to make it all better for her.

one day things are going to be great for this amazing woman.
i hope that day is soon.

i am thinking about you lady.

i hate bargain shopping...but i do love a good sale

so i went shopping...

last week i was reading an article in real simple about how anticipating a purchase releases dopamine..the same feel-good chemical released from sex or really good food.
i don't know that shopping does that for me.
it actually makes me really anxious.
i like to do research before hand and have a good idea of what i am wanting, where i am going to get it and how much i am going to spend going into it.
even with this preparation i often have buyer's remorse before i even finalize the purchase.
and usually there isn't a lot to be remorseful about.
i can't remember my last ridiculous splurge...
well, yes i can...it was when amanda and i got drunk and went shopping but that was YEARS ago....
it was time for some new clothes.
i have one pair of jeans that i wear.
and they are my $20 wet seal jeans that are going to die soon...and aren't appropriate with everything.
after i broke down and bought my mom-shorts (think mom jeans, but shorts...i was buying whatever it took to not have a muffin top. they are bad, but were on sale)i gave into the fact that my body has changed and juniors shit just isn't going to cut it.
not unless i want to live my adult life with my ass crack hanging out of my pants.

so..new body (grrr...still have some work to do there)...
new season...
new clothes.


i was inspired by gap's 30% off friends and family sale.
i do not have the patience for digging through racks of clearance crap.
but if i can have a discount on whatever i want, i am in.
before going in i set a budget:
$50 post discount
or $100 post discount if i bought jeans.
i am usually not a HUGE fan of gap jeans.
i have always been sad that long & leans don't fit me and usually chalked it up to the fact that i am neither long nor lean....all though i think that is what they are supposed to do for you.
anyway...
gap redesigned all of their jeans, and wouldn't you know...now the long and leans fit!
so i scooped me up a pair!

i tried on many things and pondered long and hard about what to purchase and what not to...
this was an option that i wavered on until the very end.
and now that i look at it again i am a little bummed i didn't get it.

in it's place i did get four pairs of super comfy-not super granny-much needed-long awaited new underwear.
i won't post pics.
but they are super comfy.
if you must know you can ask!
i did pick this up

in the clearance section i found a great over sized canvas tote that will be great as an overnight bag, gym bag, carry on....or even for groceries, which i may use it for tonight.


the score of the day was this lovely number

she was one of those finds that is on the rack of crap to be put away and is the only one in the entire store.
it happened to be the right size!!
the zipper is broken and it was already on sale so i got it super cheap!
i think it will be perfect with a short cardigan for the wedding in seattle.
please remind me to take it to the tailors next time you see me.

all in all i spent $126.
not too shabby.
i didn't expect to find a dress, so i allowed myself to go over budget.
not to mention that this is the first time i have spent money on clothes since my birthday.

so for now, i will be laying low and being frugal, while enjoying my new purchases and stalking new ones online.
i would like to get a few more things before the trip.


i also finally bought new shoes for the gym.
i have had my old shoes for YEARS and all though the tread is still wonderfully intact, i don't run...so i don't need running shoes.
in fact, doing zumba in a shoe created for forward motion may be the cause of the knee pain that i have currently been experiencing.
i did some research and found the shoes i wanted.
nike musique IV.
i went to dick's on sunday and after waiting 45 minutes-EVERYONE needed new football cleats on sunday- i tried them on and was very pleased with the fit and feel of them.
they are only offered in white and black...not my favorites, but i went for the black...because they had my size in them.

i can't wait to try them out in class tomorrow!

the other part of the sunday shopping excursion was to petsmart.
gretch found this product called cat attract .
in an attempt to break bacon of her behavioral issue while i try and find her a new home, we figured it was worth a try.
so far things seem to be going well.

with that being said, i do need to find a home for bacon.
she is not happy at my house anymore.
she is a sweet, sweet neck nuzzling girl.
we think she would be best as an only pet in a house that she gets a lot of love in.

as you can see, she is gorgeous.
she is currently shaved for the summer and looks like a wee baby white lion...also very precious.

if you, or someone you know can offer her the home she deserves please contact me.
please think positive thoughts about finding this pretty girl a home.


swap party planning tomorrow....can't wait.

it's sunday. i'm brain dead. enjoy.

i had such high hopes for today.
after a few glasses of wine last night and apparently feeling very ambitious after a productive day, i announced that my schedule for today would be as follows:
wake up...i am sure i was thinking 9 at the latest.
make breakfast.
ride bike to the park.
play tennis.
get boxes.
pack and label shit in bryce's basement
move said shit across the street to where he is living now...camping gear, brewing stuff, rock climbing gear, and a ridiculous amount of tools.
move the bed.
dresser.
clothes.
organize and find homes for all of this stuff.
go to my apartment and throw the love seat and chair over the balcony and drag them to the street so they can be picked up the bulky trash guys tomorrow.
order pizza.
eat pizza.
play tiger woods.
sleep.

i had high hopes.
after this declaration i continued to drink wine with friends.
ate a lovely home made dinner...that i didn't make.
then had some coffee...with baileys.
then some tequila.
and a little more tequila.
and they maybe some more coffee
the last of the friends left a little after 3:00.
i woke up around 9:30...wishing i could have slept for the rest of the morning.
got up.
picked up the remnants of last night.
bryce made really tasty breakfast (pretty sure he is a much better cook than i am. which is fine with me. i am way better at doing dishes than he is).
i made more coffee.
ate.
showered.
pressed on with the days plan knowing that the biking/tennis/athletic portion of the day had clearly been canceled.
went to get storage boxes.
check.
but then the tired hit.
and the yawns began.
and my legs didn't want to hold my body up anymore.
and the hint of nausea i had been trying to ignore all day finally got my attention
but onward we went.
me-attempting to keep myself motivate by verbalizing my desire to still complete a good portion of the days plans.
bryce- patiently letting me bullshit about this (between yawns and declarations of fatige) and not pointing out how ridiculous i am for thinking i am going to get anything done in my current state.
half way through figuring out what printer he should get i threw in the towel for the afternoon.

i hope it didn't look at pathetic as it sounds.

which brings us to now.
to do list updates:
drink gatorade.
nap.
do nothing.
throw couch and chair away.
drink water.
maybe move some of bryces shit...probably just his bed.
drink water.
eat something greasy.
play tiger woods.
and sleep.

i feel pretty useless, super lazy and a little disappointed in my lack of productivity.
but at the same time i don't fucking care.
every one needs a lazy day.
i had a great time last night.
i got some shit done.
i am relaxing.
i am watching tv.
i will get a little more shit done before i sleep.
and i even blogged.

where am i going with this?
no clue.
i think i am going to watch crap tv and nap.
one more thing off the list!

hope you are having a productive/lazy/fulfilling sunday.



OOOOH! update: i got the sweater from the last post, but not in mustard. it was too orangey in person. i got the brown. mmmmm.