thankful and bitter

so i still have a job.
well...4/5ths of a job.

for the past two years of working at penton i have has summer hours.
this wonderful little gift of paid half days every other friday between memorial day and labor day.
last summer we had full days off to lift our spirits after the salary freeze went into effect.
with summer starting to creep into our minds we all began to wonder about summer hours.
surely they would give them to us.
we are still in a salary freeze and moral around here is shit.
this is the one thing they can do for us that doesn't cost them anything.
surely....

WRONG.
oh, we are still getting fridays off this summer.
in fact we get EVERY friday off.
and we don't get paid for them either.
around 2:30 yesterday a random meeting reminder for something that i knew was not previously on my calendar popped up.
"company wide announcement"
summer hours??- was my first thought
then i remembered that in corporate america they send company wide good news in emails.
and company wide bad news comes in department meetings, to make us feel like they care about us individually...followed by an email outlining the shittiness.
you can take a gander at ours here

if you read through all that bullshit, which i myself have not yet, you will see that we have some options.
we can take a 18.5% pay cut between may 22 and september 4.
or a 9.85% pay cut between may 22 and the end of 2009.
i have until the 15th to decide.
intense ass raping for three months?
or moderate paycheck molestation for the end of the year?

decisions...decisions...

the good news...
i have every friday off this summer.
my vacation days will go further than they did last year.
i still don't think i will get laid off.

the bad news...
money...isn't it always the bad news?

at this point my main concern is paying my car payment.
and getting my ass to colorado this summer.

so if you know anyone that needs a friday baby sitter, let me know.

the plan

so things have gotten a little out of control.
workouts have been missed.
meals have been more delicious and less nutritious.
and as a result of this my waistline-and most everything else-has expanded.
a few weeks ago when i went home i stepped on a scale.
i am not a huge fan of scales.
i grew up in a home without a scale.
i feel like you should be comfortable in your skin and that should be your indicator.
how your clothes fit and how you feel, not a number.
i knew i was not in the kind of shape i wanted to be in and wanted to see just how out of control things have gotten.
168 pounds worth.
this is the heaviest I have been in my life.
my weight fluctuates fairly regularly and within about a 10 pound range.
the goal weight has always been around 150.
my usual weight is 155-160.
i have some work to do.
and, luckily, my partner in crime is on board with me, which will make this much easier.
a cooking light cook book was purchased, as was a scale.
several of the ladies are on the band wagon, creating a much needed and appreciated support system.

here is the deal with my body image…
I am all right with my body.
I am aware of my body.
there are times I want to better my body.
but I always love my body.

and here is the plan…
the new routine includes getting up around 5:45 am.
lifting weights with kelly before work on monday and thursday.
light weights and zumba with jill on tuesday and wednesday.
and perhaps friday mornings with jill as well.
something either on saturday or sunday…outdoorsy or fun or whatever.
and one day off.

bryce and i claim our nights for cooking dinner and we go from there.

watching the alcohol intake.

it is thursday.
the plan took effect on monday.
i feel like my body is starting to get used to it.
i am not STARVING all the time.
i am not tired all afternoon.
i still want to go to bed right at ten….if not before.
i am happy.
i am in a good mood.
i am excited to watch things change.
i am proud of the decision to be more respectful and protective of my body.
and, like so many things, this has shown me how important it is, and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system.

with all that said…let us see how i do this weekend.


spring has sprung….i hope you are happy.

some kind of update

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.

sometimes you just need to go home

for the health and safety of those i love, i will be leaving town tomorrow.
for the last week i have been pretty consistently at my boiling point...at times way beyond it.
i am hormonal.
or projecting.
or over analyzing.
or whatever the fuck i am doing.
the point is i have been in a shit mood for no apparent reason and it needs to stop.
i have been a miserable person for most people to be around.
thank you for being sweet and not mentioning it.
or tip toeing around it to not incur my seemingly completely unwarranted rant.



tonight i got off work.
dropped erin off.
had a beer with sarah at the brewery.
went to the gym.
changed.
got on the bike.
road it for 10 minutes....
bored.
got on the elliptical for 25.
bored
did only the arms portion of my old circuit routine.

if you don't know i have a stress fracture in my foot.
and i am being a huge baby about it.
if i am projecting my feelings it is probably because of this.
not because it is painful...it is just a pain in the ass.
it has me super pissed.
i still go to the same location as i did when i could attend classes.
that is where i see the people i know.
i have to be somewhat held accountable.
i hate that i can't do the classes. i hate being in charge of my own workout every time i go to the gym.
i like the mindlessness of classes.
i am proud that i am still going. it is important to keep the habit going.
i just feel like i got screwed.
like i was finally getting somewhere and now i can't keep going full speed ahead because of this stupid bump in the road.

see.
i am bitter.
and ranting.
after the gym jill and i went to dinner.
she very sweetly, i think as only jill can do, told me that i am going to explode if i stay at this stress level.

i think another thing is work.
today we let go two more members of upper management.
two that worked in our office and that i have known better than any other upper management that has been let go.
it felt very close before.
it feels real now.
i don't think i have a lot of reason to worry about my position.
this change into online could have saved my ass.
i do know that something will happen.
we all know.
they told us essentially that people were going to lose their jobs.
used terminology that you hear in sitcoms and on dateline....streamline, offshore, out source, restructuring.
things you never want to read in an email from a higher up.
the layoffs have begun.
it would be stupid to not see something coming.
it is just a question of where and who.
that scares the shit out of me.
i cannot imagine what the next month or two is going to feel like.
even the first round of layoffs i went through a few years ago didn't feel like this.
i didn't know as many people then.
and certainly didn't know them this well.
and even though i think i will be okay i just can't help but think in the back of the mind of what i am going to do if it is me.

car payments.

growing up.

so anyway...
obviously i have a lot on my mind.
so i am going to take myself out of it all for a weekend.
and go home.
and relax.
and unwind.
and be with my parents.
not to mention the 3 hours each way.
there is nothing quite like singing your heart out in a car.
maybe with a friend. maybe alone.
i hope i can drive with the windows down.


i am sorry i am missing out loren's birthday.
and i hope she will understand.
knowing loren she will.

i hope you enjoy your weekend.
with a little love from the mama, i will be less explosive the next time you hear from me.

until then....

spring preview

it is supposed to be damn near 60 today.
i only know this because EVERYONE has been talking about it.
i have also been interested because today is splutschnik day.
if you don't know, ask.
basically it is a pub crawl downtown that will require being exposed to the elements...or in the case of today, a ridiculously wonderful gift from mother nature.
it is 10:35. i woke up at 8:44 and finished watching the movie i fell asleep watching around 10:30 last night.
the virgin suicides.
love the book. love the movie.
then i got up to do my saturday morning dilly dallying in time to still go get some coffee, read a little and meet up with sarah for some thing she yelled into the phone while at a fairly loud bar last night. something about free facials and recycling. i am so in.
there is sun pouring into my bedroom and now slowly leaking across the dining room floor.
i let the cats out to get some fresh air.
i am going to go get some fresh air myself.

i hope you enjoy this day.

just a quickie.

what is the first artist on your ipod?
mine is a.c. newman.
i like him all right, but rarely ever chose to listen to him.
maybe it is because every time i accidentally hit artist one too many times he pops on.
it isn't his fault, but i think i am starting to hate him for it.
this just happened, that is why i mention it.
i just listened to the new bird and the bee album.
and while i was trying to go back for seconds i got a little trigger happy and on came my boy a.c..
he messed up my pallet.
but not for long. i am back in new music heaven.
i have been listening to tracks as they released them.
but there is nothing like an album. from start to finish.

thanks bradley for sending it my way.
i am a big dork for them.
the album is great. if you liked them before you will love them now.
if you all ready loved them then do it right...loud and with wine.

anyway...i didn't get on here to bitch. i just had a little down time and figured i would share some art shits with you. so i bitched. i will show you pictures and then who knows what wonders await you! i could be amazing or i could want to go to bed after the captions....
we shall see.

okay...so...
first things first. sometime before christmas (maybe the obama party?) i acquired a unfinished piece of a friends. it is an old window frame that has had several layers of indoor paint layered on it. it has always just kind of intimidated me and stayed tucked away. so sunday i got it out. and got at it.




this is what it looked like before i started. and that is bacon's tail












this is in the lower right corner.
acrylic and scratching the crap outta some paint


















these are all the paint chips from what i scraped hot glued together in the center













she is in the upper left corner.
all her "hair" was scraped off with a pairing knife and an exacto knife. it took a long time and i did not care to find a faster way to do it.










i am not done yet. it will still be a while.
i will show you the whole thing when i am done.

i was going to show you the crafts from christmas, but i am tired.
i will go for round three of the bird and the bee. headphones. electric blanket.
i can only think of one thing that would make it better...

good night.
i hope you are staying warm.
it's a bitch out there.

cliches and confessions of a crazy cat woman

i chose to listen to air, instead of the usual sigur ros that i would listen to while blogging, in an attempt to keep from hyper ventilating.
sometimes i cry when i blog.
most of the time it is after a touch too much wine, but not tonight.
tonight is just fucking hard.

often times the hardest decision to make is the best.

i am not at home. ever.
i used to be here to sleep at least.
but that still wasn't cutting it.
recently i have not been home at all.

the cats have taken over.
and they are not happy.

(i had to change the music back to sigur ros.
i need to just feel it and process it and let it all fall into place.)

i have never seen animals so starved for love as i have seen my cats.
especially clem.
she was always such a spoiled girl. always with someone around to love her.
bacon was spoiled as a kitten, but also spent time alone while liz was traveling.
clem was just spoiled.
when it came time for the two of them to share me it got hard. and since then it has gotten harder.

they are not happy and they show me.

if you love something let it go.

i have been thinking lately about what i am going to do.
i can't just stay away and ignore these sweet souls that i have signed on to care for.
i cannot keep them, although they are unhappy, simply because i love them.
that is not love.

this has been eating my soul.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

this is the first time i have had to make a decision to give a pet away because someone else can offer it a better life than i can.
and i thought it hurt with boyfriends.
shit.

tonight i was sharing my feelings about my little underloved lovies with loren.
tonight she shared with me that she has been seriously thinking about getting one.

everything happens for a reason.

it falls into place too well. i know she would love her and take care of her and never neglect her or do her wrong.
i would still get to see her.

loren is going to think about it.

i got home tonight and held clem for fifteen minutes.
like she loves to be held.
like a little person.
like i used to hold her everyday.
and i pet her.
and she gave me kisses.
and i just fucking cried.

and i am just fucking crying now.



my mom put our last family dog to sleep on monday.
taxi.
we have always had a dog.
i have not cried about it yet.
well, until now.


and i think about these animals.
and i think about how much i love them.
and how important their happiness is to me.
and i wonder how parents do it.


goodnight friend.