quiturbitchin!

you know those master card commercials...where they add up the expenses of something and at the end the total is "priceless"?
well i have a similar thing going on...

gas, lodging, lift tickets, ski rentals....$500
ski coat...$250
stocking hat....$20
googles....$40
ski gloves...$40
socks...$20
food and drink...$100+
cost of going skiing with your boyfriend and two of your best friends on a crash three day trip to colorado?

priceless

anxiety

i have only tried to ski once before, with my boyfriend in college.
it wasn't pretty.
i more or less threw myself down the hill (we were at snow creek) multiple times.
small children kept having to rescue my poor poles that i had ditched at some point in my graceless fall and bring them to me.
i don't remember ever enjoying it.
i do remember wanting to dump my boyfriend over it.
and being sore, pissed off and defeated.

fast forward to now.
b loves to ski. my friends love to ski.
colorado is the state next to us.
when the idea of a ski trip came up i was all ready resigned to the fact that i would have to learn at some point, so i might as well learn now.
decent attitude to have.
and you can't date b and not be willing to try new outdoor activities.
it just doesn't work.
plus ski trips have always sounded so fun.

and then somewhere along the planning, budgeting and buying shit loads of gear, i have started to loathe the ski trip.
even though b has been more than helpful when it comes to acquiring all the crap i need to try this new sport, i can't get past the money.
my, now annoyed, friends have assured me that i will love it and that this one time investment will yield year after year of ski trip goodness.

but above all there is that annoying naysayer in the back of my mind.
you know her- she hates trying new things, she only wants to do what she knows she is good at, she is closed minded and in general, if i let her out too often i would probably lose a lot of my friends.
that bitch kept me from cheesecake, karaoke, sushi, goat cheese, green bean casserole, water sports and has made me walk off many a dance floor.
and now skiing.

but alas, i cannot NOT go.

so i will go..
i will quit my bitching.
i will ski.
i will try my best.
i will have fun with my friends.
i will recover from the overnight drives.
i will not let that negativenancybitchface ruin my fun.

wish me luck!

ahhh nothing like the sweet, sweet sound of cars getting stuck in the intersection i live on.

first and foremost
i would like to hand out middle finger salutes to all the aholes leaving corperate woods and using the turn lane that is designated to put you in the turn lane for 435 west, when you aren't getting on 435 west.
you made a conscious decision to be a selfish ahole.
solid work. your mother would be proud.
i have you to thank for both my rage at sitting in front of my office for 15 mintues and all the explitives i spewed as i was stuck behind you as you tried to get into the lane that you should have been in in the first place.
thanks for only giving a shit about yourself.
you are awesome.


to both the the lady in the blazer, talking on the phone, smoking a cig, with her window down and music blaring like it was summer  
and
to the old man who refused to stop at any of the three red lights i watched him go through. 
high five!

so when i left the office, after sitting on the street my office building is on for 15 minutes (as noted above), i guesstimated that it would take me two hours to get home.
from corporate woods to the ku med area.
this drive usually takes me twenty  minutes
once i was on the highway people weren't being too shitty.
i had to get off and get gas, which sucked, but i would have had to stop anyway because my wipers were ice sickles.
since i was literally across the street from where my weight watchers meetings are, i decided i would drive by to see if they were open.
not open.
so then i drove the other 2 miles home.
i left work around 4:30 and walked in a little after six.

thank god it didn't take 2 hours.

so now that leaves me thinking about tomorrow.
it is 6:42. i put on my pajamas and slippers as soon as i walked in.
b is making mushroom risotto.
i am sitting on the couch, listening to the first arcade fire album
wishing i had a real fire going.
misssing snow days.

on a totally unrelated note i have found myself using more commas lately.
 what does it mean?

who cares? mama needs wine.

i am not totally convinced that there isn't going to be a major cataclysm in 2012.

i am not a scientist. i am not a scholar. i am not an expert.
hell, i am not even well read on most of this shit.
but even with out that knowledge (and perhaps even in spite of it) i feel like we are really screwed.
economically. politically. environmentally. socially.

i feel like things are so extreme.
people refuse to open their eyes to plain truths because they are too stubborn to be wrong.
even amongst friends we can rarely have an open dialog. instead it is a fight for who is right.
and no one ever wins the other one over.
why aren't we having conversations? coming to agreements and understandings?
and i don't mean trading evils.
i mean, if we can't do it as friends, how do we expect the thought leaders of the world to do it?


i am not a republican.
i am not a democrat.
i am an american.
i am scared for this country that i love.

and for these reasons, i have joined the no labels movement.

if i recommended a book to you would you read it?
if i gave you new music would you listen to it?

humor me and check out the declaration.
and let me know what you think.

thank you for reading, friend.

"so this is the new year and i don't feel any different"

i always though that was a bad thing, but this year i know that it isn't.

2009 was a good year for me and 2010 was even better.
so i go into 2011 (cautiously) optimistic.

so here it is. the 2010 rundown...
diets and lifestyle changes
losing 30 pounds
couch to 5k and learning to run again
nyc for liz's 30th birthday extravaganza
karaoke with a 8 foot tall drag queen
job interviews
taking bacon to her new home in indy
completing my first adventure race (running and biking) dressed as tom cruise in risky business
my 28th bday BBQ
31 days in a row of exercise
another summer of fun at the lake
luna's adorable puppy cut
holy 10 year high school reunion
working ridiculous hours at work
this is my heART show
b surprising me with my girl liz
one of the best weekends i can remember having
becoming a flexitarian
two years of  b and me
the autumn breeze festival
camping drinking at truman lake for b's birthday
seeing real life LARPers and laughing until i thought i was going to puke at renfest
my first time back to pittsburgh in 20 years
seeing our old neighbors, neighborhood and house
it is just as pretty as i remember it
most of my ladies turning 30 and each of their unique and fitting celebrations
kel's dance party madness
amanda's lake house pinata party
h. neighby's huge house party
mo's surprise dinner
jilly's 31st at the royals game
going to mexico and meeting all of our fabulous vacation friends
snorkeling with sea turtles
horse face and mullet guy
our newest addition- winston aka keith stone aka little buddy aka badger
he can wag his tail in a circle
promotions
raises
landing my new job
leaving penton
an amazing friend's thanksgiving
a relaxing thanksgiving day of aladdin cafe and harry potter
joining a new gym
dinners with my high school ladies
sarah having little johnny ( i can't wait to get my hands on this little guy)
seeing gretchy blissfully happy and moving to malaysia 
finally going to b's childhood home
thinking that this would be the saddest christmas on record for my family
and the complete opposite happening
a wonderful and lovely christmas with all of my family
no bithcing. no whining. no fighting.
just hanging out, being grateful that we could all be together
like it should always be
then, to put the icing on the awesome year cake- liz and adam were in town for new years
unseasonably  warm weather
impromptu college style party on a wednesday night
a very unexpected and much needed thursday night, after the worst day ever of shopping
liz, can you say sweatshirt dress?
and just to seal the deal, my favorite new years ever
amazing food, great music, photoshoot gone wild, girltalk dance party and best of all, my amazing friends
i am sure i forgot plenty, but it was a great year.

i love new years.
i love new beginnings.
i love clean slates.
but more than anything, i love that i didn't need one this year.


this was a year of accomplishments for me
and i can't tell you quite how good that feels.

we started 2011 off by painting the living room and dining room.
going to the antique mall to get some things for the walls.
planning out a week's worth of meals.
going to the store.
going to the gym.

and i picked thursday as my  blog day.

happy new year friends.
i wish you the best in 2011.

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLs

here we are again, at the end of another year.
this has been an amazing year for me, all though i am not quite ready for the 2010 recap.

but i am ready to talk about goals.

in a post from last year i talked about the progress i had made on my goals and with that i carried them over with me to 2010.
so here is a little progress report:

1) i wanted to be a healthier person.
this goal carried over well with me into 2010 and i have continued to make progress on it. i started out the year doing the mayo clinic diet. in april i joined weight watches.since january of last year i have lost over 30 pounds and maintained keeping 23 of them off. i have a goal set to be at my goal weight of 146 by the end of febuary, which is still attainable.
i don't think that this goal of being healthy should ever drop off the list. there is always something i can be doing to take better care of myself. i think my biggest single accomplishment in this department this year was doing at least 45 min of activity a day for the month of june. it was quite a commitment! but i made it and was rewarded by my sense of accomplishment and the loss of almost 10 pounds in one month. i will continue to set mini-goals in this area to help me be successful.
so the first two are the second annual no-eating-out-january and to be at 146 by the end of febuary.

2) I wanted to show my art
i signed up for the arts and crafts show at work and sold one thing. i then put the remaining products up on facebook and sold two more. i wasn't happy with what i had to offer at the craft show. it was unthoughtful and just not me. but i did it and i put myself out there....
and then i was asked to do a first friday at hairpins salon. and that is when my dream came true. i found out about the show in june and then everything got put on the back burner for work. i pushed the show from august to september, but knew that was all the wiggle room i could get. so for a few months i was either working on work or working on the show. i had a lot more in the archives than i thought...thank god.
i made several new pieces as well.
i got the show hung and set my prices. setting prices was nervewrecking.
seeing my show hanging was overwhelming and so gratifying.
the show was amazing. i barely remember any of it. the weather was wonderful. i was surrounded by friends and family and strangers. b surprised me by flying my girl liz in. and i sold about 75% of my show.

this had been a goal of mine for sometime and i can't thank liana enough for giving me the opportunity to accomplish this goal. it was one of the best nights of my life. and i look forward to this is my heART #2.

i had also talked about starting an etsy shop. and it was my goal for the winter, but i just don't think it fits in my life right now. in order to have an etsy shop i would need artshits to sell and i am currently running low. in fact, i OWE people art. so...first things first.... if this makes you sad then commission a piece :)

3) I wanted to write here more
um...FAIL.
in 2008, when i started the blog, i posted 23 times
in 2009 i posted 18
in 2010 i posted 13
so i will carry this goal over with me to 2011.
my friend kelly recently started blogging  and her goal is to post something every tuesday. i think this is a smart approach and i am going to jump on the once a week bandwagon! i am not sure which day yet, but at the end of next year i better have 52 posts!

this year i also accomplished personal goal i had set coming out of college to be making a $XX,XXX by the time i turned 30. please take my word for it, that the number is VERY reasonable, but this does not effect the gratification i feel from accomplishing the goal. AND i am two years early :)

so what is on the agenda for this year?

1) to be a healthier person
2) to make my house a home
3) to start a savings account, contribute to it regularly and not touch it
4) to make a (probably small) quilt
5) to  blog once a week


what is on your 2011 list?

a box of tissues in and no end in sight

i felt shitty last night. i didn't sleep well. i was hot. it hurt to swallow. i couldn't stay asleep and i also couldn't turn my mind off.
i called in sick today, went to the doctor and found out it is not strep, so that is good. i got a z-pack.

i have been fighting off something or another since before mexico and i know i am overly stressed, but until tonight i couldn't pin point about what.

i mean, there have been all of the obvious stuff...

work had been stressful since the start of summer.
mexico was a much welcome, needed and enjoyed vacation, but probably not exactly what my immunity system needed.
we got home thursday.  week before thanksgiving.
we got a new dog on friday and he injured himself immediately.
the stress from not knowing where he came from and what secrets he may have was more intense than i had budgeted for.
(yes. i budget my stress)
i found out i got the job on wednesday. about 5 minutes after getting out of the shower and about 30 minutes before hosting a dinner for 25 of my favorite people.
a busy thanksgiving break.
the dread of putting in my two weeks.
the insanity of trying to do everything i could to get everyone as set up as possible before i left.
saying goodbye to the people that have been my third family and the one i have spent the most time with-my work family.
walking into a brand new place and realizing that i really must have sold myself well to get there.
and being petrified that i didn't make the right decision.

but tonight... tonight i figured out the real issue.
the biggest stressor.
the one that i thought i could just ignore and it would go away.

when i got on facebook tonight i saw my sister's status.
it read "it's almost over"
i went to respond to her..."i feel you and i love you. try to be strong big siiiiister (enter the BAWLING) and i will too. promise?"
there it is.
the big one.
my sister and her family are not coming home for christmas and it is fucking killing me. her. mom. dad. all of us.
i picked up the phone so we could cry about it together for the first time.and cry we did.
cry and cry and cry and cry.
and now i, like my mom and sister have apparently been for weeks, can't stop crying.
my be strong mantra is something like "we should be thankful to have something so wonderful that i hurts us this much to go without it"
but it doesn't help.  
and trying to be strong wasn't helping either.

this is the first time in the existence of our family that we haven't all been together. 
i won't really know what to do with myself.
i don't really know what to do with myself.
i could sit here and list all of the things that will feel wrong or be missing but that would be torture.
i think that i can sum it up by saying that this will be the hardest christmas for this family thus far.
i am so sad. sadder than i have been in a long time. and all the people i love the most are just as sad. and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. but find comfort in the fact that we are all in the same place emotionally, if not physically.
and promise that we will never let it happen again.

now i understand why i brought up all my christmas shit, unpacked it, and then put it away.
why i have had no desire to make gifts for anyone, when usually i can't wait.
why i have been avoiding the idea of christmas like the plague.
why i did most of my shopping online, in one night.
why i teared up at target when i saw the silly christmas jammies.

so here i am, sitting on my couch, listening to sigur ros, bawling, and counting down with my family until the 26th of december.

but it is amazing how much better my throat feels when i am crying.
and how much loser my body feels.
and how good it feels to finally just feel it.

i have literally made myself sick from keeping all this sad inside me.

we will get through this. but please excuse my emotional unavailability until then.

'tis the season

friday morning i woke up feeling less than good.
friday evening i left work feeling like crap.
friday night i missed craft night, had a kickin fever and hated the idea of swallowing my own spit, let alone anything else.

i also started my now twice daily regimen:
1/8 tsp cayanne pepper in about 8 oz hot water. gargle. spit. repeat until you can't take any more.
2 TBSP apple cider vinnegar. 3 TBSP water. plus nose. gargle. swallow. repeat until gone. try not to barf. rise out mouth with water.
chug emergen-c
drink hot tea, honey, lemon

also: tylenol every six hours and cold compresses whenever b calls me an inferno.

i still felt crappy when i got up this morning, but less crappy than yesterday.
today we went to lunch, costo and cleaned the house...well most of the house.

i did not get nearly the amount of stuff done that i needed to get done this weekend.
but i fear that i also didn't get all the rest i needed to get.
also on friday night one of my dear friends delivered a happy, healthy baby boy!!
urgh. i want to snuggle that little guy!

this is the worst time to be sick!
i still don't feel 100%. i will reassess the situation tomorrow and see if i should go to work or go to the doctor.
i hate to be the new girl that calls in sick, but i also hate to be the new girl that gets everyone sick before christmas.

i also hate to be the girl that is sick at christmas.

apple cider vinegar, here i come.
healing thoughts please!