sometimes you just need to go home

for the health and safety of those i love, i will be leaving town tomorrow.
for the last week i have been pretty consistently at my boiling point...at times way beyond it.
i am hormonal.
or projecting.
or over analyzing.
or whatever the fuck i am doing.
the point is i have been in a shit mood for no apparent reason and it needs to stop.
i have been a miserable person for most people to be around.
thank you for being sweet and not mentioning it.
or tip toeing around it to not incur my seemingly completely unwarranted rant.

tonight i got off work.
dropped erin off.
had a beer with sarah at the brewery.
went to the gym.
got on the bike.
road it for 10 minutes....
got on the elliptical for 25.
did only the arms portion of my old circuit routine.

if you don't know i have a stress fracture in my foot.
and i am being a huge baby about it.
if i am projecting my feelings it is probably because of this.
not because it is painful...it is just a pain in the ass.
it has me super pissed.
i still go to the same location as i did when i could attend classes.
that is where i see the people i know.
i have to be somewhat held accountable.
i hate that i can't do the classes. i hate being in charge of my own workout every time i go to the gym.
i like the mindlessness of classes.
i am proud that i am still going. it is important to keep the habit going.
i just feel like i got screwed.
like i was finally getting somewhere and now i can't keep going full speed ahead because of this stupid bump in the road.

i am bitter.
and ranting.
after the gym jill and i went to dinner.
she very sweetly, i think as only jill can do, told me that i am going to explode if i stay at this stress level.

i think another thing is work.
today we let go two more members of upper management.
two that worked in our office and that i have known better than any other upper management that has been let go.
it felt very close before.
it feels real now.
i don't think i have a lot of reason to worry about my position.
this change into online could have saved my ass.
i do know that something will happen.
we all know.
they told us essentially that people were going to lose their jobs.
used terminology that you hear in sitcoms and on dateline....streamline, offshore, out source, restructuring.
things you never want to read in an email from a higher up.
the layoffs have begun.
it would be stupid to not see something coming.
it is just a question of where and who.
that scares the shit out of me.
i cannot imagine what the next month or two is going to feel like.
even the first round of layoffs i went through a few years ago didn't feel like this.
i didn't know as many people then.
and certainly didn't know them this well.
and even though i think i will be okay i just can't help but think in the back of the mind of what i am going to do if it is me.

car payments.

growing up.

so anyway...
obviously i have a lot on my mind.
so i am going to take myself out of it all for a weekend.
and go home.
and relax.
and unwind.
and be with my parents.
not to mention the 3 hours each way.
there is nothing quite like singing your heart out in a car.
maybe with a friend. maybe alone.
i hope i can drive with the windows down.

i am sorry i am missing out loren's birthday.
and i hope she will understand.
knowing loren she will.

i hope you enjoy your weekend.
with a little love from the mama, i will be less explosive the next time you hear from me.

until then....