the plan...an update

i am about three weeks into the plan and things are going all right.
the scale seems to be sitting at about 163, but i am not dreading putting on pants lately.
i feel better just knowing that i am doing something about it.
i have not been getting as much cardio (aka zumba) in as i want...i KNOW jeanee, we have THREE options now.
but have enjoyed the addition of morning walks on tuesday and thursday.
my energy level on some days is a little low.
still getting used to the getting up early and since i don't stick to it EVERY day i feel like i give my body a hard time.
my partner in crime has fallen off the early morning workout bandwagon, which also makes it hard to get up.
i find that if i have someone meeting me i will get up.
don't want to be late!
don't want to break plans!
jill and i have received some great support from the guys at the gym.
there are still those douche bags that look at us like we are in their way.
but they can fuck off.
one of our favorite instructors and trainers, keith, seems to always have a client when jill and i are lifting.
he always drops words of encouragement when he passes us.
and has made it a point to make us feel great about lifting.
knowing that he is supportive is a good reassurance.
he won't let us walk around looking like crazy, buff women.
another guy at the gym yesterday came over when we were doing our bench presses to tell us how impressed he is to see girls on the bench.
he also pointed out that we should get gloves so we won't have "man hands".
i couldn't agree more.
last night keith helped us out with our form on a few things between his client and his class.
he also told us about "the new rules of lifting for women" .
the slogan is "lift like a man. look like a goddess."
there is also a "forum" for the book.
everything that i have read looks very inspiring.
it has six months worth of work outs, with pictures and explanations of how to perform the lifts, as well as a nutrition guide.
so many girls, including myself, are scared of bulking up.
but the more i read the more it becomes clear that it will not happen.
and it is amazing that you can get so much out of so little time at the gym.

i still feel the same way-i don't think that the scale is going to be the indication of success for me.

the cooking has been going well.
the weekends still get a little out of control...
but at least i am thinking about what it is going to do to me.

i hope to pick up this book tonight.
i am a little afraid to get it before i finish the book club read, but i just can't wait to dig in.

i hope the rain isn't getting you too down...
it will be ninety before you know it.


where are my words?

it kills me to know that you are hurting.
and that there is nothing i can do to fix it.
or ease it.
or make it better.
i wish i could take it on for you.
absorb it.
but i can't.

i don't even know if i am doing a good job being here for you.

i don't even know what to say to you.
i just want to hold onto you and hope that you can feel my empathy.
i wish i could just hug the hurting away.
but i can't.

i hope the pain dulls.
i hope this weekend offers you some kind of closure.
some kind of peace.
and a chance to say goodbye...

i don't know why it is so hard for me to spit out.
i don't think i have said anything to your face.
when you told me all i could spit out was your name.
i can hardly find the words now...talking to a screen that i don't even think you read.

babe, i am so sorry for your loss. so sorry for your pain. so very, very sorry....
i feel so much more than that, but that is all that i can seem to get out.
i am so sorry.