three down, three to go

so i am one half of the way through the christmases.
bryce gave me the computer about 3 weeks ago.
i followed up last week with his...
two pair toe-mittens- assisting in winter chacos wearing
one pair charcoal over the knee socks- for winter kilt wearing (don't worry. he has all ready ruled out the kilt, sock, chacos option for winter)
one set poaching pouches-for poaching eggs and so much more
one microplane medium ribbon grater- two words: goat cheese.
one tom petty 4 disc anthology and the new muse album- for the ears and the road
one set whiskey stones- for classy drinking
one gap green plaid  button down shirt goodness- because i love a man in plaid
one frame- with a picture and a patch from the peddlers jamboree last memorial day weekend.
and he didn't see any of it coming.
and really enjoyed it all.
that is the best reward of giving a gift.
showing someone that you are listening.
that you know them.


last friday marked the start of bryce's family christmas/birthday/weekendfunfest.
bryce's oldest sister got here friday night.
and i went out with her and a good friend of hers.
first i took them to the r bar, which i had really been wanting to check out, to say hi to my pumpkin, sarah.
from there we went to the p&l.
that's right.
as you can imagine i drank a decent amount.
it helps that bryce's sister is a tall, thin, blonde with a wonderful smile.
i gladly accepted the drinks.
she also spent much of her night complimenting people about the most ridiculous things...like telling douche bags that their barb wire arm band tat "makes their guns look big"...she was hilarious.
it was douche tastic and full of lots of ridiculous dance moves and affliction shirts. 
i had a really fun night.
when we got home we both soaked our feet in hot water.
i have not been out dancing in heels in quite some time.
poor toes.

the next day was christmas at bryce's grandma's.
his dad is one of 7? or maybe8?
they are fun and remind me of my mom's side.
this is quite a compliment if you are familiar with my relationship with my extended family.
they have two gift exchanges- one for the women and one for the men.
it is one of those deals where you can open something new or steal something someone else had all ready opened.
i had heard several conversations about these exchanges and it seemed like it would be quite the ordeal.
and it was.
and i really enjoyed it.
i ended up with pyrex bowls and measuring spoons.
both of which i was happy to have.
they are very sweet, fun people.
and they cuss and drink. always a plus to me.
there are siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins of all ages that all have real relationships with each other.

i love family.

yesterday we celebrated birthdays.
all three of his nephews have birthdays in december, so we had cake and they opened presents.

tonight was christmas.
they were saying in a hotel, so we packed the car full of all the gifts (we had his other sister, who stayed back in seattle, gifts too-the vibe was full) and headed over.
they take turns as much as possible with the little ones, like my family does.
and for the first time in my life i found myself in the inner workings of a different family's christmas.
and it didn't feel strange at all.

tomorrow and wednesday i will be seeing some of my favorite friends.
both old and new.
and then on thursday we will pack the car again, this time with the dog, and head down to my parents.
there we will finish the last three.

happy holidays friends.
i look forward to the year end wrap up.
....my third year in review.



***after writing this i realized that year one was on myspace.
so i went out and grabbed it.

january 2, 2008

*sigh

the holidays....
what an interesting time.
friends home for the holidays.
second job.
four days in springfield.
adorable niece with an attitude.
my mama, my daddy, my sister and tony.
the let down of my cousin brooke and her fiance bobby not making it to springfield, meaning i won't get to touch her pregnant tummy.
go karts and four wheelers and our first christmas not at granny's.
finding out i am going to be an aunt again.
my dear dear nancy.
the loss of my two favorites.
finally getting to see my gretchypoo.
slumber party at holly's.
feeling like i just can't get it together.
crafts night with the girls. i never thought i would see a room full of my friends sewing and knitting and crocheting and making paper...but it happened and it will happen again.
justin- if you are reading this you are a fucking trooper!
new friends.
new years.
white people listening to a white band play hip hop and living it up.
dancing and drinking and a girl scout's promise to not cry at midnight that i almost kept.
erin biting my lip.
morgans loft, my home away from home.
movies. movies. movies.
friends and blankets and couches and tears and laughter and boxed wine and too many cigarettes to count.
regrets and dreams and hopes and fears and trying not to drown in it all.
and a fucking flat tire today.

happy new year friends.


to my sweet sweet baby boy-
i miss you everyday....so does bits.
so do a lot of people.
you were loved and you were happy and i am sad we only got 4 years together, but i wouldn't trade them for the world...




pics by momofoto

94.9 kcmo has it going on

i am writing to you from the new netbook that bryce got me for christmas.
he couldn't wait.
i tried to wait.
but i am not good at waiting (if my family reads this they will agree, possibly my friends as well).so when he asked for the second or third time i totally caved.
it is little and cute and the same color as my car and i really really like it.
i originally bought bryce a xm skydock.
but then decided against it.
now i have bought a bunch of smaller gifts.
i ordered most of them online...sorry local community.
i rarely ordered online before this year.
but for gift giving i get to research my ideas.
narrow things down.
and put them in a virtual cart so i can look over them for a while and make good decisions.
most of my online buying is gifts, so there is no buyers remorse as far as the spending goes.
i have been having all his gifts delivered to work. so he can't intercept them.
my coworkers sometimes join me as i open the packages with excitement.
usually knowing exactly what the package contains.
anyway...
i would tell you what i got him, but sometimes people read this thing.
i would hate to spoil christmas, even though as soon as i have his gift ready, which will likely be before christmas, i will give it to him.

'tis the season for reflection and excitement about the future
i didn't make a new years resolution.
but i did put some mile markers out there in front of me.

here is the progress report:


i wanted to be a healthier person
(read:do not confuse with i want to be skinny).

losing weight is not easy.
and if it is easy for you please don't tell me about it.
i will hate you out of jealousy.
this has probably been my healthiest year in my adult life.
i have maintained a good work out schedule for at least half of the year.
i eat better.
i have made great strides in learning to like mushrooms.
i don't drink as much.
i don't smoke 5-8 packs of cigarettes a week.
i eat breakfast.
i don't party every weekend.
i fear the hangover.
i get good sleep.
i am cognizant of when i am and am not being fair to my body.
i very recently started keeping a food journal.

and i have plenty of room for improvement.

one of my biggest problem is the work lunch.
i love the places we go to eat for lunch.
but it is expensive. and not so great for me. and all too tasty.
we split most of the time when we go out.
but it adds up.
both in dollars and fat.
i am trying to eat 7 servings on fruit and veg a day.
i know that this is still below the recommended level.
i am working on it.
i will never be tiny.
two main reasons:
1. i think i would look weird as a size 4
2. i am not that disciplined
3. cheese
i don't want to be tiny. i want to be healthy.
and i feel like i am headed in the right direction.


i wanted to show my art.

next week i am signed up to show some artshits at a company craft show.
i bet they won't let me call them artshits at work.
what about artsh*ts?
i realize this is no gallery showing, but it is a step in the right direction.
and an etsy shop will be coming as well.
no more excuses of not knowing how to price things.
the worst thing that could happen is that i could end up not selling anything.
and pretty much ever scenario other than that is a step up from where i currently am.


and i wanted to write more often here.

a while ago-you know when i was ready to take blogging more seriously and then didn't post for months- i signed up for this program that tracks my stats.
i pretty much only pay attention to how many people read this blog.
the last posy received 113 views in one day.
that felt pretty sweet.
i know a number of my friends read.
i love their comments.
and it is better than a mass email to let them know what is going on with me.
i know facebook says differently, but i do not have 113 close friends.
who all reads this guy?
do you like it?
are you just bored at work? do you find it entertaining?
have you ever told anyone else about it? have you started reading it from someone else telling you about it?
are we acquaintances or co-workers and you feel like you know me a little better from reading this?
does it annoy you that i ignore all grammar rules, except spelling (thanks to firefox) and especially the one about paragraphs.
and i use periods. but still don't punctuate correctly?
can a lady get some feedback?

that is all i have for now friends.
i had a few things on the list for tonight...gym. walgreens. eat dinner at home. blog or read or watch tv.
and for the final one i will read a little about how to work this new piece of machinery.
and then off to bed i go.
at least tonight it is a steamy 23 degrees.
it was 8 degrees at this time last night.

i hope this finds you well.
goodnight friends.
and happy holidays.

while i am here...

i might as well update you on my exciting and simulating life.
i haven't blogged since september.
whenever you see a post from me where i talk about how much more often i am going to blog, you should expect a break...

last time i wrote shopping seemed to be about all i was up to.

i dried the long and leans and now they are just a simdge too short.
it bothers me, but they fit up top.

hm. so since then...

bryce and i went on vacation to seattle and had a great time.
we got to see the city and hang out with family and friends. and orcas island was amazing. and we went on a biplane ride. and i wasn't scared in the space needle. and bryce bought a utilikilt.

we got luna, the worlds most ferocious watch dog.
we went camping.

i feel down the stairs and had to call into work because my ass hurt so bad.
i had a bitchin bruise for quite some time.
my left ass cheek looked like it got punched by the hulk.
my boss offered to bring me her 'roid doughnut, but i passed.
the doughnut is not designed to deal with butt cheek pain.
it would be like an inflatable thong.
very uncomfortable.

i made where the wild things are costumes with dusty for halloween.
i was impressed.

i also found out that i have a bit of hypothriodism.
it and the cheese are equal parts responsible for the great 2009 weight gain.
so i am taking the meds for it.
i am also currently trying to make myself understand that just because i am taking a pill doesn't mean that i will be instantly lighter.
it will come with time.
and more time at the gym.
bryce bought a fire pit.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
a good amount of crafting...both arts and beer.
dinners.
drinks.
a stupid amount of rock band.
the house has been a buzz with friends and family.
life is good to me.

thanksgiving was good.
i had a pre thanksgiving freak out, but everything ended up being wonderful.
we cooked on wednesday night and ate with a good mix of friends and family.
bryce cooked an 11 pound ham for eight hours.
it was amazing.
we used three 3 quart casserole dishes.
and amanda proved to me that frozen winter squash puree is a fine substitute for pumpkin pie filling.
ham and cheesey potatoes.
and wine and rockband.
took luna to the dog park for the first time.
got to spend some time with mere before she went back to seattle.
spent some time with bryce's family.
laid around all day and did nothing in pjs.
got out of pjs only to shower and put pjs back on.
and spent more time with friends.
the weather on friday was amazing.
spent more time with family.
and then more time with friends.
and thought about all the many, many, many things that i am thankful for.
and then did a zillion loads of laundry.
cleaned the house.
and began the countdown to christmas.

my shopping is ALMOST done.
of course last min i change my mind on bryce...

i am very excited to see my family. very, very excited.

if i don't talk to you or see you before, then happy holidays!
be safe. stay warm. be thankful.
and send a warm thought out to those who are facing hard times.
things are certainly not easy for everyone right now now.

heart broken

an old coworker of mine keeps a blog.
she and i worked in the same building but seldom spoke.
always friendly, but not friends.
she was laid off in the first round of layoffs.
and then we became friends on facebook.
and she began posting her blog there. and i began to read.
at first it was fun to get to know a different side of someone.
and then i looked on her online profile...and found another blog where she first wrote about the horrible time life was giving her when trying to get pregnant. and getting pregnant. and losing babies.
and i was floored.

and my heart hurt for her.
maybe i am finally mature enough to fathom the pain a mother feels when losing a child.
i almost tear up just writing about it.


and then she started sharing these experiences on her main blog.
and i was so proud of her and so impressed by her courage.
there are always things that i have wanted to write about here, but have never been courageous enough just to say them.
to tell the whole fucking world.
no care of who is listening.
this is me. here i am. here is my shit. take me or leave me.

and i love her for it.
i was truly excited for her, as i would be a best friend, when i read that she was pregnant.
and it hurt even worse when she wasn't anymore.

and now. after more ups and downs. more positives and then negatives.
she is pregnant. real live baby bump pregnant.
and had to tell her four year old today that her daddy didn't want to be with her mommy anymore and i am sick.

just sick.

i want to fix it. i want to make it all better for her.

one day things are going to be great for this amazing woman.
i hope that day is soon.

i am thinking about you lady.

i hate bargain shopping...but i do love a good sale

so i went shopping...

last week i was reading an article in real simple about how anticipating a purchase releases dopamine..the same feel-good chemical released from sex or really good food.
i don't know that shopping does that for me.
it actually makes me really anxious.
i like to do research before hand and have a good idea of what i am wanting, where i am going to get it and how much i am going to spend going into it.
even with this preparation i often have buyer's remorse before i even finalize the purchase.
and usually there isn't a lot to be remorseful about.
i can't remember my last ridiculous splurge...
well, yes i can...it was when amanda and i got drunk and went shopping but that was YEARS ago....
it was time for some new clothes.
i have one pair of jeans that i wear.
and they are my $20 wet seal jeans that are going to die soon...and aren't appropriate with everything.
after i broke down and bought my mom-shorts (think mom jeans, but shorts...i was buying whatever it took to not have a muffin top. they are bad, but were on sale)i gave into the fact that my body has changed and juniors shit just isn't going to cut it.
not unless i want to live my adult life with my ass crack hanging out of my pants.

so..new body (grrr...still have some work to do there)...
new season...
new clothes.


i was inspired by gap's 30% off friends and family sale.
i do not have the patience for digging through racks of clearance crap.
but if i can have a discount on whatever i want, i am in.
before going in i set a budget:
$50 post discount
or $100 post discount if i bought jeans.
i am usually not a HUGE fan of gap jeans.
i have always been sad that long & leans don't fit me and usually chalked it up to the fact that i am neither long nor lean....all though i think that is what they are supposed to do for you.
anyway...
gap redesigned all of their jeans, and wouldn't you know...now the long and leans fit!
so i scooped me up a pair!

i tried on many things and pondered long and hard about what to purchase and what not to...
this was an option that i wavered on until the very end.
and now that i look at it again i am a little bummed i didn't get it.

in it's place i did get four pairs of super comfy-not super granny-much needed-long awaited new underwear.
i won't post pics.
but they are super comfy.
if you must know you can ask!
i did pick this up

in the clearance section i found a great over sized canvas tote that will be great as an overnight bag, gym bag, carry on....or even for groceries, which i may use it for tonight.


the score of the day was this lovely number

she was one of those finds that is on the rack of crap to be put away and is the only one in the entire store.
it happened to be the right size!!
the zipper is broken and it was already on sale so i got it super cheap!
i think it will be perfect with a short cardigan for the wedding in seattle.
please remind me to take it to the tailors next time you see me.

all in all i spent $126.
not too shabby.
i didn't expect to find a dress, so i allowed myself to go over budget.
not to mention that this is the first time i have spent money on clothes since my birthday.

so for now, i will be laying low and being frugal, while enjoying my new purchases and stalking new ones online.
i would like to get a few more things before the trip.


i also finally bought new shoes for the gym.
i have had my old shoes for YEARS and all though the tread is still wonderfully intact, i don't run...so i don't need running shoes.
in fact, doing zumba in a shoe created for forward motion may be the cause of the knee pain that i have currently been experiencing.
i did some research and found the shoes i wanted.
nike musique IV.
i went to dick's on sunday and after waiting 45 minutes-EVERYONE needed new football cleats on sunday- i tried them on and was very pleased with the fit and feel of them.
they are only offered in white and black...not my favorites, but i went for the black...because they had my size in them.

i can't wait to try them out in class tomorrow!

the other part of the sunday shopping excursion was to petsmart.
gretch found this product called cat attract .
in an attempt to break bacon of her behavioral issue while i try and find her a new home, we figured it was worth a try.
so far things seem to be going well.

with that being said, i do need to find a home for bacon.
she is not happy at my house anymore.
she is a sweet, sweet neck nuzzling girl.
we think she would be best as an only pet in a house that she gets a lot of love in.

as you can see, she is gorgeous.
she is currently shaved for the summer and looks like a wee baby white lion...also very precious.

if you, or someone you know can offer her the home she deserves please contact me.
please think positive thoughts about finding this pretty girl a home.


swap party planning tomorrow....can't wait.

it's sunday. i'm brain dead. enjoy.

i had such high hopes for today.
after a few glasses of wine last night and apparently feeling very ambitious after a productive day, i announced that my schedule for today would be as follows:
wake up...i am sure i was thinking 9 at the latest.
make breakfast.
ride bike to the park.
play tennis.
get boxes.
pack and label shit in bryce's basement
move said shit across the street to where he is living now...camping gear, brewing stuff, rock climbing gear, and a ridiculous amount of tools.
move the bed.
dresser.
clothes.
organize and find homes for all of this stuff.
go to my apartment and throw the love seat and chair over the balcony and drag them to the street so they can be picked up the bulky trash guys tomorrow.
order pizza.
eat pizza.
play tiger woods.
sleep.

i had high hopes.
after this declaration i continued to drink wine with friends.
ate a lovely home made dinner...that i didn't make.
then had some coffee...with baileys.
then some tequila.
and a little more tequila.
and they maybe some more coffee
the last of the friends left a little after 3:00.
i woke up around 9:30...wishing i could have slept for the rest of the morning.
got up.
picked up the remnants of last night.
bryce made really tasty breakfast (pretty sure he is a much better cook than i am. which is fine with me. i am way better at doing dishes than he is).
i made more coffee.
ate.
showered.
pressed on with the days plan knowing that the biking/tennis/athletic portion of the day had clearly been canceled.
went to get storage boxes.
check.
but then the tired hit.
and the yawns began.
and my legs didn't want to hold my body up anymore.
and the hint of nausea i had been trying to ignore all day finally got my attention
but onward we went.
me-attempting to keep myself motivate by verbalizing my desire to still complete a good portion of the days plans.
bryce- patiently letting me bullshit about this (between yawns and declarations of fatige) and not pointing out how ridiculous i am for thinking i am going to get anything done in my current state.
half way through figuring out what printer he should get i threw in the towel for the afternoon.

i hope it didn't look at pathetic as it sounds.

which brings us to now.
to do list updates:
drink gatorade.
nap.
do nothing.
throw couch and chair away.
drink water.
maybe move some of bryces shit...probably just his bed.
drink water.
eat something greasy.
play tiger woods.
and sleep.

i feel pretty useless, super lazy and a little disappointed in my lack of productivity.
but at the same time i don't fucking care.
every one needs a lazy day.
i had a great time last night.
i got some shit done.
i am relaxing.
i am watching tv.
i will get a little more shit done before i sleep.
and i even blogged.

where am i going with this?
no clue.
i think i am going to watch crap tv and nap.
one more thing off the list!

hope you are having a productive/lazy/fulfilling sunday.



OOOOH! update: i got the sweater from the last post, but not in mustard. it was too orangey in person. i got the brown. mmmmm.

mama needs new (or slightly used) shoes damnit!

money. i hate you. you ruin me.
yet i do not seem to be in any kind of rush to earn more of it.
when i am getting paid all five fifths of my salary i do all right.
my life is not lavish, but i can splurge on a few things here and there.
but with the car payment and the pay cut those splurges are few and far between
*sigh- woe is me

i can't believe you guys let me get away with bitching about this mundane shit.
i mean in the grand scheme of things, i have it good!

anyway....

fall is creeping up on us(all though i am not convinced that summer ever really got here-which is okay by me)and i love fall clothes.

i think it is my favorite season to get dressed in….
jeans.
light sweaters.
hoodies.
boots.
sandals.
layers.
the start of scarf season.
mmmmm...
my wish list has all ready begun, all though the finances of it all really put a damper on it.
just like when any new season rolls around, i find myself asking “what the fuck did i wear last insert season here?”
also, each season i like to get a couple key pieces to update my wardrobe from the year before.
then i round out the rest at target .
i am really loving the gap’s boyfriend line.
i have found what i hope to be my first purchase

i may have a mustard yellow addiction to rival my purple fit from last fall/winter.
what can i say? i am a sucker for jewel tones.

and apparently black is the new black this fall.
praise jesus!

this morning i turned to miss. carlew to complain about my lack of wardrobe and lack of money to do anything about it.
feeling equality as broke and unsatisfied by her wardrobe she suggested a swap party!
recently i was invited to a swap by a friend, but was not able to make it.
you can host a swap for a number of things...books, cds, housecrap...
ours will be for clothes and accessories.
everyone brings a certain number of goods and then you take turns picking out things from what everyone else brings.
needless to say, I LOVE party planning!
and i am excited to get rid of some things that are wasting away in my closet.
it seems so much easier to get rid of that blouse that has never been worn, when it is going to a good home.


part of a successful swap is inviting people that are roughly the same size, so if you aren’t invited, it isn’t because we don’t love you, it is because you are too fucking skinny!
expect this to be happening before my vacation.
that is right!
VAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
bryce and I are going to seattle for 10 days around labor day!
his sister is getting married, so we decided to turn it into a vacation.
i can’t wait.
i have never been to the northwest, yet have always had a fondness for it…

going into this swap i have high hopes for jeans, light sweaters and maybe even a dress!
i have a ton of purses and shoes to part with and some cute stuff that just isn't me...or doesn't fit!



also, as a side note…i miss blogging.
i hate that i don’t do it more.
perhaps i need to set aside time in my life specifically for it.
i am going to leave myself with this thought (since I may look at my blog more than anyone else…) that also came up in conversation with sarah…

when am I ever going to follow a freaking dream?

“we have been friends together in sunshine and in shade.”

(quote by caroline norton)

i know i have said it a lot lately.
but i really mean it...and whenever it is time for us to come together-be it a birthday party, a promotion, a layoff, or a loss- i feel overwhelmingly grateful and, for lack of a better word, blessed by my amazing and caring friends. all though all of us have varying levels of friendship with each other, when one of us is in need, all of us are there.
not every one is fortunate enough to have this kind of chosen family.
and i could burst with the amount of love i have for you all.



to my beans... i love you.
you are stronger than anyone will ever know.
you are an amazing woman.
your mother was an incredible woman who raised two strong, beautiful, independent, intelligent, sweet, amazing daughters. one of whom i am lucky to call a best friend. i daily reap the benefits of the values she has instilled in you.
her laughter was infectious and i am lucky to have the memories i have with her.
may these next two days allow you some closure, some peace and a time to celebrate the life of your mother.
i know that no words are the right words at a time like this....
you and your family are in my thoughts always.

the plan...an update

i am about three weeks into the plan and things are going all right.
the scale seems to be sitting at about 163, but i am not dreading putting on pants lately.
i feel better just knowing that i am doing something about it.
i have not been getting as much cardio (aka zumba) in as i want...i KNOW jeanee, we have THREE options now.
but have enjoyed the addition of morning walks on tuesday and thursday.
my energy level on some days is a little low.
still getting used to the getting up early and since i don't stick to it EVERY day i feel like i give my body a hard time.
my partner in crime has fallen off the early morning workout bandwagon, which also makes it hard to get up.
i find that if i have someone meeting me i will get up.
don't want to be late!
don't want to break plans!
jill and i have received some great support from the guys at the gym.
there are still those douche bags that look at us like we are in their way.
but they can fuck off.
one of our favorite instructors and trainers, keith, seems to always have a client when jill and i are lifting.
he always drops words of encouragement when he passes us.
and has made it a point to make us feel great about lifting.
knowing that he is supportive is a good reassurance.
he won't let us walk around looking like crazy, buff women.
another guy at the gym yesterday came over when we were doing our bench presses to tell us how impressed he is to see girls on the bench.
he also pointed out that we should get gloves so we won't have "man hands".
i couldn't agree more.
last night keith helped us out with our form on a few things between his client and his class.
he also told us about "the new rules of lifting for women" .
the slogan is "lift like a man. look like a goddess."
ha!
there is also a "forum" for the book.
everything that i have read looks very inspiring.
it has six months worth of work outs, with pictures and explanations of how to perform the lifts, as well as a nutrition guide.
so many girls, including myself, are scared of bulking up.
but the more i read the more it becomes clear that it will not happen.
and it is amazing that you can get so much out of so little time at the gym.

i still feel the same way-i don't think that the scale is going to be the indication of success for me.

the cooking has been going well.
the weekends still get a little out of control...
but at least i am thinking about what it is going to do to me.

i hope to pick up this book tonight.
i am a little afraid to get it before i finish the book club read, but i just can't wait to dig in.

i hope the rain isn't getting you too down...
it will be ninety before you know it.

where are my words?

it kills me to know that you are hurting.
and that there is nothing i can do to fix it.
or ease it.
or make it better.
i wish i could take it on for you.
absorb it.
but i can't.

i don't even know if i am doing a good job being here for you.

i don't even know what to say to you.
i just want to hold onto you and hope that you can feel my empathy.
i wish i could just hug the hurting away.
but i can't.

i hope the pain dulls.
i hope this weekend offers you some kind of closure.
some kind of peace.
and a chance to say goodbye...

i don't know why it is so hard for me to spit out.
i don't think i have said anything to your face.
when you told me all i could spit out was your name.
i can hardly find the words now...talking to a screen that i don't even think you read.

babe, i am so sorry for your loss. so sorry for your pain. so very, very sorry....
i feel so much more than that, but that is all that i can seem to get out.
i am so sorry.

thankful and bitter

so i still have a job.
well...4/5ths of a job.

for the past two years of working at penton i have has summer hours.
this wonderful little gift of paid half days every other friday between memorial day and labor day.
last summer we had full days off to lift our spirits after the salary freeze went into effect.
with summer starting to creep into our minds we all began to wonder about summer hours.
surely they would give them to us.
we are still in a salary freeze and moral around here is shit.
this is the one thing they can do for us that doesn't cost them anything.
surely....

WRONG.
oh, we are still getting fridays off this summer.
in fact we get EVERY friday off.
and we don't get paid for them either.
around 2:30 yesterday a random meeting reminder for something that i knew was not previously on my calendar popped up.
"company wide announcement"
summer hours??- was my first thought
then i remembered that in corporate america they send company wide good news in emails.
and company wide bad news comes in department meetings, to make us feel like they care about us individually...followed by an email outlining the shittiness.
you can take a gander at ours here

if you read through all that bullshit, which i myself have not yet, you will see that we have some options.
we can take a 18.5% pay cut between may 22 and september 4.
or a 9.85% pay cut between may 22 and the end of 2009.
i have until the 15th to decide.
intense ass raping for three months?
or moderate paycheck molestation for the end of the year?

decisions...decisions...

the good news...
i have every friday off this summer.
my vacation days will go further than they did last year.
i still don't think i will get laid off.

the bad news...
money...isn't it always the bad news?

at this point my main concern is paying my car payment.
and getting my ass to colorado this summer.

so if you know anyone that needs a friday baby sitter, let me know.

the plan

so things have gotten a little out of control.
workouts have been missed.
meals have been more delicious and less nutritious.
and as a result of this my waistline-and most everything else-has expanded.
a few weeks ago when i went home i stepped on a scale.
i am not a huge fan of scales.
i grew up in a home without a scale.
i feel like you should be comfortable in your skin and that should be your indicator.
how your clothes fit and how you feel, not a number.
i knew i was not in the kind of shape i wanted to be in and wanted to see just how out of control things have gotten.
168 pounds worth.
this is the heaviest I have been in my life.
my weight fluctuates fairly regularly and within about a 10 pound range.
the goal weight has always been around 150.
my usual weight is 155-160.
i have some work to do.
and, luckily, my partner in crime is on board with me, which will make this much easier.
a cooking light cook book was purchased, as was a scale.
several of the ladies are on the band wagon, creating a much needed and appreciated support system.

here is the deal with my body image…
I am all right with my body.
I am aware of my body.
there are times I want to better my body.
but I always love my body.

and here is the plan…
the new routine includes getting up around 5:45 am.
lifting weights with kelly before work on monday and thursday.
light weights and zumba with jill on tuesday and wednesday.
and perhaps friday mornings with jill as well.
something either on saturday or sunday…outdoorsy or fun or whatever.
and one day off.

bryce and i claim our nights for cooking dinner and we go from there.

watching the alcohol intake.

it is thursday.
the plan took effect on monday.
i feel like my body is starting to get used to it.
i am not STARVING all the time.
i am not tired all afternoon.
i still want to go to bed right at ten….if not before.
i am happy.
i am in a good mood.
i am excited to watch things change.
i am proud of the decision to be more respectful and protective of my body.
and, like so many things, this has shown me how important it is, and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system.

with all that said…let us see how i do this weekend.


spring has sprung….i hope you are happy.

some kind of update

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.

sometimes you just need to go home

for the health and safety of those i love, i will be leaving town tomorrow.
for the last week i have been pretty consistently at my boiling point...at times way beyond it.
i am hormonal.
or projecting.
or over analyzing.
or whatever the fuck i am doing.
the point is i have been in a shit mood for no apparent reason and it needs to stop.
i have been a miserable person for most people to be around.
thank you for being sweet and not mentioning it.
or tip toeing around it to not incur my seemingly completely unwarranted rant.



tonight i got off work.
dropped erin off.
had a beer with sarah at the brewery.
went to the gym.
changed.
got on the bike.
road it for 10 minutes....
bored.
got on the elliptical for 25.
bored
did only the arms portion of my old circuit routine.

if you don't know i have a stress fracture in my foot.
and i am being a huge baby about it.
if i am projecting my feelings it is probably because of this.
not because it is painful...it is just a pain in the ass.
it has me super pissed.
i still go to the same location as i did when i could attend classes.
that is where i see the people i know.
i have to be somewhat held accountable.
i hate that i can't do the classes. i hate being in charge of my own workout every time i go to the gym.
i like the mindlessness of classes.
i am proud that i am still going. it is important to keep the habit going.
i just feel like i got screwed.
like i was finally getting somewhere and now i can't keep going full speed ahead because of this stupid bump in the road.

see.
i am bitter.
and ranting.
after the gym jill and i went to dinner.
she very sweetly, i think as only jill can do, told me that i am going to explode if i stay at this stress level.

i think another thing is work.
today we let go two more members of upper management.
two that worked in our office and that i have known better than any other upper management that has been let go.
it felt very close before.
it feels real now.
i don't think i have a lot of reason to worry about my position.
this change into online could have saved my ass.
i do know that something will happen.
we all know.
they told us essentially that people were going to lose their jobs.
used terminology that you hear in sitcoms and on dateline....streamline, offshore, out source, restructuring.
things you never want to read in an email from a higher up.
the layoffs have begun.
it would be stupid to not see something coming.
it is just a question of where and who.
that scares the shit out of me.
i cannot imagine what the next month or two is going to feel like.
even the first round of layoffs i went through a few years ago didn't feel like this.
i didn't know as many people then.
and certainly didn't know them this well.
and even though i think i will be okay i just can't help but think in the back of the mind of what i am going to do if it is me.

car payments.

growing up.

so anyway...
obviously i have a lot on my mind.
so i am going to take myself out of it all for a weekend.
and go home.
and relax.
and unwind.
and be with my parents.
not to mention the 3 hours each way.
there is nothing quite like singing your heart out in a car.
maybe with a friend. maybe alone.
i hope i can drive with the windows down.


i am sorry i am missing out loren's birthday.
and i hope she will understand.
knowing loren she will.

i hope you enjoy your weekend.
with a little love from the mama, i will be less explosive the next time you hear from me.

until then....

spring preview

it is supposed to be damn near 60 today.
i only know this because EVERYONE has been talking about it.
i have also been interested because today is splutschnik day.
if you don't know, ask.
basically it is a pub crawl downtown that will require being exposed to the elements...or in the case of today, a ridiculously wonderful gift from mother nature.
it is 10:35. i woke up at 8:44 and finished watching the movie i fell asleep watching around 10:30 last night.
the virgin suicides.
love the book. love the movie.
then i got up to do my saturday morning dilly dallying in time to still go get some coffee, read a little and meet up with sarah for some thing she yelled into the phone while at a fairly loud bar last night. something about free facials and recycling. i am so in.
there is sun pouring into my bedroom and now slowly leaking across the dining room floor.
i let the cats out to get some fresh air.
i am going to go get some fresh air myself.

i hope you enjoy this day.

just a quickie.

what is the first artist on your ipod?
mine is a.c. newman.
i like him all right, but rarely ever chose to listen to him.
maybe it is because every time i accidentally hit artist one too many times he pops on.
it isn't his fault, but i think i am starting to hate him for it.
this just happened, that is why i mention it.
i just listened to the new bird and the bee album.
and while i was trying to go back for seconds i got a little trigger happy and on came my boy a.c..
he messed up my pallet.
but not for long. i am back in new music heaven.
i have been listening to tracks as they released them.
but there is nothing like an album. from start to finish.

thanks bradley for sending it my way.
i am a big dork for them.
the album is great. if you liked them before you will love them now.
if you all ready loved them then do it right...loud and with wine.

anyway...i didn't get on here to bitch. i just had a little down time and figured i would share some art shits with you. so i bitched. i will show you pictures and then who knows what wonders await you! i could be amazing or i could want to go to bed after the captions....
we shall see.

okay...so...
first things first. sometime before christmas (maybe the obama party?) i acquired a unfinished piece of a friends. it is an old window frame that has had several layers of indoor paint layered on it. it has always just kind of intimidated me and stayed tucked away. so sunday i got it out. and got at it.




this is what it looked like before i started. and that is bacon's tail












this is in the lower right corner.
acrylic and scratching the crap outta some paint


















these are all the paint chips from what i scraped hot glued together in the center













she is in the upper left corner.
all her "hair" was scraped off with a pairing knife and an exacto knife. it took a long time and i did not care to find a faster way to do it.










i am not done yet. it will still be a while.
i will show you the whole thing when i am done.

i was going to show you the crafts from christmas, but i am tired.
i will go for round three of the bird and the bee. headphones. electric blanket.
i can only think of one thing that would make it better...

good night.
i hope you are staying warm.
it's a bitch out there.

cliches and confessions of a crazy cat woman

i chose to listen to air, instead of the usual sigur ros that i would listen to while blogging, in an attempt to keep from hyper ventilating.
sometimes i cry when i blog.
most of the time it is after a touch too much wine, but not tonight.
tonight is just fucking hard.

often times the hardest decision to make is the best.

i am not at home. ever.
i used to be here to sleep at least.
but that still wasn't cutting it.
recently i have not been home at all.

the cats have taken over.
and they are not happy.

(i had to change the music back to sigur ros.
i need to just feel it and process it and let it all fall into place.)

i have never seen animals so starved for love as i have seen my cats.
especially clem.
she was always such a spoiled girl. always with someone around to love her.
bacon was spoiled as a kitten, but also spent time alone while liz was traveling.
clem was just spoiled.
when it came time for the two of them to share me it got hard. and since then it has gotten harder.

they are not happy and they show me.

if you love something let it go.

i have been thinking lately about what i am going to do.
i can't just stay away and ignore these sweet souls that i have signed on to care for.
i cannot keep them, although they are unhappy, simply because i love them.
that is not love.

this has been eating my soul.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

this is the first time i have had to make a decision to give a pet away because someone else can offer it a better life than i can.
and i thought it hurt with boyfriends.
shit.

tonight i was sharing my feelings about my little underloved lovies with loren.
tonight she shared with me that she has been seriously thinking about getting one.

everything happens for a reason.

it falls into place too well. i know she would love her and take care of her and never neglect her or do her wrong.
i would still get to see her.

loren is going to think about it.

i got home tonight and held clem for fifteen minutes.
like she loves to be held.
like a little person.
like i used to hold her everyday.
and i pet her.
and she gave me kisses.
and i just fucking cried.

and i am just fucking crying now.



my mom put our last family dog to sleep on monday.
taxi.
we have always had a dog.
i have not cried about it yet.
well, until now.


and i think about these animals.
and i think about how much i love them.
and how important their happiness is to me.
and i wonder how parents do it.


goodnight friend.

thank god that one is over.

this year has been quite the year.
it was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least.
next year i am hoping for higher lows and in return i will take lower highs.
i started therapy in january of last year.
more for someone else than for myself.
i have ended the year being so thankful for taking this step.
am i crazy? of course i am.
is it a problem? only if i let it be.
i have my first appointment of the new year tomorrow.
i started this blog last year.
clemintine fell into my life and has been overly lovey and putting holes in everything since the first time i saw her.
allison's wedding.
gretchen and i moved into our apartment.
renee's wedding.
liz came home.
reed.
thank god liz came home.
bronson and i walked separate ways for the last time.
i faced lonely again.
i faced jealousy again.
i felt like i was starting new again.
i was no longer a part of a life the life i had lead for so long.
a life that was comfortable-not happy.
i turned to a new path to try and find a piece of the puzzle that i have been longing to get to work on.
devin. i still think about you often.
liz moved to brooklyn.
bacon has taken permanent residence with me, but will always be liz's cat.
obama won the election.
a moment in life i will never forget and can't imagine a better memory for it.
amanda's wedding.
the best hungover day on the couch ever.
my car constantly giving me shit.
and people constantly breaking in to take my shit.
and then buying a new car.

and then the holidays...
pumpkin carving and the four of us being single at once (but not for long).
a new person in my life.
another successful mem's thanksgiving.
a lovely itiscoldoutsidesogetyourassesinsideanddrink party.
new friends.
old friends.
going home for the longest that i have been at home since my parents moved.
seeing ALL of my family.
my grandma asking when i was going to bring home my boyfriend.
the feeling of asking that question to myself.
the looks on my families faces when they opened their hand made gifts.
the first time i held reed and he smiled at me.
the things that fall out of three year old's mouths.
being surrounded by so much love and still feeling like something is missing for me.
losing it on new years and realizing that i do not have a good grip on things.
being embarrassed by my actions.
being scared of the future.
making adult decisions and feeling the reactions to my actions with more strength than ever before.

2009 should be an interesting one.

happy new year friends.