i chose to listen to air, instead of the usual sigur ros that i would listen to while blogging, in an attempt to keep from hyper ventilating.
sometimes i cry when i blog.
most of the time it is after a touch too much wine, but not tonight.
tonight is just fucking hard.
often times the hardest decision to make is the best.
i am not at home. ever.
i used to be here to sleep at least.
but that still wasn't cutting it.
recently i have not been home at all.
the cats have taken over.
and they are not happy.
(i had to change the music back to sigur ros.
i need to just feel it and process it and let it all fall into place.)
i have never seen animals so starved for love as i have seen my cats.
she was always such a spoiled girl. always with someone around to love her.
bacon was spoiled as a kitten, but also spent time alone while liz was traveling.
clem was just spoiled.
when it came time for the two of them to share me it got hard. and since then it has gotten harder.
they are not happy and they show me.
if you love something let it go.
i have been thinking lately about what i am going to do.
i can't just stay away and ignore these sweet souls that i have signed on to care for.
i cannot keep them, although they are unhappy, simply because i love them.
that is not love.
this has been eating my soul.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
this is the first time i have had to make a decision to give a pet away because someone else can offer it a better life than i can.
and i thought it hurt with boyfriends.
tonight i was sharing my feelings about my little underloved lovies with loren.
tonight she shared with me that she has been seriously thinking about getting one.
everything happens for a reason.
it falls into place too well. i know she would love her and take care of her and never neglect her or do her wrong.
i would still get to see her.
loren is going to think about it.
i got home tonight and held clem for fifteen minutes.
like she loves to be held.
like a little person.
like i used to hold her everyday.
and i pet her.
and she gave me kisses.
and i just fucking cried.
and i am just fucking crying now.
my mom put our last family dog to sleep on monday.
we have always had a dog.
i have not cried about it yet.
well, until now.
and i think about these animals.
and i think about how much i love them.
and how important their happiness is to me.
and i wonder how parents do it.