christmas....part one

i am home.
i grew up most of my childhood in leawood, but then my parents moved to nixa,mo when i graduated from college. now home is where the parents are.
most of my extended family lives in springfield and the towns that surround it, so it makes for a busy, busy holiday schedule. this year all of my parents siblings and all of their kids and all of their kids kids are home, so there is a ton of family in town.
i got here yesterday around 11:40. i got out of my car and directly into my sister's car with bella-my three year old niece, reed- my four month old nephew, my mother and my sister. after struggling to get bella strapped in for way too long we were off to meet my mom's best friend for lunch "in town" (springfield) and i was squished into the third seat of my sister's SUV. i learned quickly that baby boy will giggle at me if i make kissey faces at him and read bella a book.
i can't explain how amazing it is to see him. just being him. a normal little guy.
no tubes.
no machines.
no looming fear.

we ate at mexican villa.
we drove back to nixa.
at 4:45 heather and i decided it was time for wine.
i finished two paintings, one for a cousin and one for my granny.
then my cousins (torre and her daughter alex) came over to bake and love on the babies. so at this point there are nine of us in a fairly small space. we were all tripping over each other and cats and dogs and presents and god knows what else.
heather and torre made a peppermint cake, that when completed (which it still is not) will look like a 3D santa standing up.
when the cake was done baking torre called us over to "smell him".
mom decided that we needed to write a song entitled "come and smell him" to the tune of "come all ye faithful".
this is why i love my family.
i sprawled out on the living room floor and alex (15 y.o.) came and sat on me and then bella sat on my legs behind her.
and then bella told alex she had a big bottom.
amazing. i love three year olds.
after that bella wanted to ride me like a pony. i told her i was pooped.
she checked my pants and informed me that i had not pooped.
thank you bella.
after this torre and alex left and we had some time to kill.
my dad's best friend has grown out his long white beard this holiday season and has been playing santa at various events around town.
tonight he would be making a special stop at our house to see bella.
while waiting for him to come we put on some big band christmas tunes and bella insisted that we all get up and "shake our booties".
she also gave us all christmas names.
she picked snowflake for my dad.
i nearly pissed myself.
while snowflake was not his first choice, he danced anyway as he is putty in her teeny tiny little hands.
after i, red reindeer, had damn near broken a charleston-induced sweat the doorbell rang.
bella answered it with dad and there he was....santa.
she jumped into his arms and gave him a huge hug and kept patting his back.
as precious as it was, i couldn't help but think how easy it would be to kidnap children during the holidays.
all you need is a beard and a santa suit.
i am horrible. i know.
after santa left bella recounted the whole thing for us. and then informed us that "that santa was a different one".
smart little girl. but she didn't care.
i excused myself to the office/bedroom to inflate my bed before they put the kids down.
i returned to the living room in time to catch a conversation about your favorite product and mine, the shamwow.
dad wants one.
"i wish i had one. i don't know why i just don't dial the number one of these nights"
i wish i knew he wanted one, because i would have bought him one just so i could spill shit and clean it up and see if it really is as amazing as i hope it is.
i got my christmas pajamas for the year....snow globes from across the country.
pretty impressive.
the kids went to sleep and we talked about how lucky we all are to have everyone home this year and how it will probably never happen again.
how heather and tony will not always come home.
and how i may, at some point, have another family to keep in mind.
or as i put it "at some point some one may be crazy enough to marry my dumb ass"
i finally retired to my room around 11 and wrapped presents for today...christmas with dad's side at grandma's.

christmas: part one- act one
mom had to be at grandma's at nine to start breakfast. i wanted to go with her so i could see my cousin brooke that was in town from NYC with her husband and baby for as long as possible. we would be leaving at 8:30. i informed my sister and brother in law that i would need to shower in the morning. as in a i am going early and i need to shower first situation. mom said she would wake me up at 8:00.
i set my alarm for 7:45.
i woke up.
sister was in the shower.
i get in the shower, get dressed and come out and my dad is like are you ready?
obviously i am not.
my hair is soaking wet in a towel and i am sure my face was less than amused.
i ask what time it is.
i inform him that he is 10 minutes early and that i would be ready when i said i would at 8:30.
they still needed to run an errand that mom thought he ran yesterday.
i am annoyed.
i will ride with heather and tony.
we get there and it is a house full! grandma, uncle tom, brooke, bobby, elizabeth cate, aunt cathy, shelby, carlie, kayla, kelsy, uncle tracy, aunt verlene, hannah, caitlin, mom, dad, heather, tony, reed, bella and i.
the majority of the list above ranges in ages 16 years-4 months. there were bodies everywhere.
and then it happened...
for the first time in twenty six years...
my grandma turned to me and said "so, where is your boyfriend?"
i am the last of the granddaughters (over 16) that does not have a husband, or a kid, or both.
it kinda stung all though i know she never meant it to.
the little girls sat at the kids table.
the adults sat in the dining room and i sat at the kitchen table, where i usually sat with brooke and our other cousin sarah, who was not there yet.
my uncle tracy commented on me being at the in-between table.
LISTEN HERE ASSHOLES! i am a fucking adult.
i am a single, childless, twenty six year old adult.
i spent the rest of my morning wandering through grandma's house, latching onto a conversation here and there, picking up babies and handing them off and getting things for the little girls.
i felt kinda weird. like everyone else had a partner and i didn't.
it felt like a chapter out of one of our chick lit book club reads.
i still don't know if i am proud or upset.
once my last two cousins arrived from work we opened presents.
it is so odd how prepared for death my grandmothers seem.
(both my grandfathers have been gone for quite some time.)
always making comments about how it is better to give us this or that now, rather than when they are dead, so they can see us open it.
this year it was her quilts.
these are her most prized possessions.
she gave the littlest girls their sunbonnet sue quilts.
all of us older girls got them for our 13th christmases.
it is sad to think that she won't be here for theirs.
that they have to have them now because who knows about next year.
it is heart wrenching to think of the holidays without these amazing women.
reed got a different kind of quilt. one with little farmer men on it, as a sunbonnet sue is not fitting for our little man.
then grandma gave all of the rest of us a quilt from her collection.
i got a neck tie quilt.
i love it.
grandma also gave caitlin and hannah (who are 16 and 14) the book about her that she gave the rest of us a few years ago.
i sat down and read caitlins...i don't know if i ever read mine all the way through.

i didn't know my great grandpa used to play santa at church.
i always forget my grandma's first name is mary, not rosalee as i know her.
she is named after her grandmas, mary and rosa.
i asked where the lee came from.
she doesn't know.
but it was passed down to my father, michael lee and to me, terra lee.
as we passed the picture of she and her sister as children she began to talk about how much she misses barb, who passed away last year. that barb would call her everyday, usually in the morning because she knew that grandma would be out the door running around all day. i almost lost it.
i read about my grandpa dale. about their long distance courtship while he was in the navy. about how he proposed. about the first things he said to her when he saw her again. about the man he was while he was alive and how hard it was to lose him so young.
i can't help but cry as i write this now, tucked back in my little corner, with my headphones on scrambling to record these memories before they fade away.

this christmas feels different.
this christmas is different.
and it is different mainly for the reason that it feels like after this one it will never be the same.

it is bittersweet.
and a lot to take all on my own.
sometimes i really wish i had a partner in all of this...


sun and showers

it is sunday morning.
i fell asleep last night around 9:45. watching love actually.
i woke up on the couch about an hour ago in leggings, a sweater, my robe, slippers, stocking cap and my new favorite socks.
with three cats laying on me.
this night of rest and relaxation was must needed after friday night's itiscoldoutsidesogetyourassesinsideanddrinkboozewithyourfriends party.
i had a great time.
a lot of my favorite people were there.
we drank 3 liters of mulled wine, one jug of "holiday punch" (thanks nick and chris, whatever that was it was amazing), two bottles of vodka, one bottle of tequila, a half a bottle of southern comfort and a stupid amount of beer.
the holiday attire was as classy as it comes.
yesterday i woke up without a hangover, but feeling much less intelligent than the day before.
for example, when i was leaving to pick brian up to go christmas shopping i couldn't find my car keys. so i just grabbed the spare. i got to brian's and we went to get gas, as i had 12 miles to empty (at least the cougar does something to help me). so we go to QT which is a cluster fuck that i am not willing to deal with. then we go to the BP on broadway and as soon as i turn my car off i realize...fuck. i don't have the key to open my damnnearempty gas tank. so now we have to drive back to my house to find the keys.we get in and brian starts to look. he asks if i have any idea where they would be. and i looked under the table that i always put my keys on and there they were. why didn't i do this before leaving this house? i had the dumb.
brian and i went to target in mission and got most of it taken care of there. in order to avoid the plaza at all costs we drove to metcalf south mall to get the tin of topsy's i take home every year and to get brian one to devour at home. although i work across the street from this place i rarely step foot inside there. and if i do it is in a department store. brian and i walked through the ghost mall from one side to the other remembering what was there when we were growing up. there is literally nothing inside that mall. it is a mall walkers wet dream.
we finished shopping.
i came home.
posted pictures.
cleaned a little.
went to dinner with mo and to her place for a bit.
came home.
and you know the rest.

this morning i took a shower. i know, big deal right? i don't shower on sundays unless i have to...OR i have time to take a reallllllly long shower. which, lucky for me, today i did because i was so in the mood for it. the sun is shining. i am not tired. i am not hungover. i only have to work two days this week. i just had a great celebration with friends. and i can not wait to see my family.
i am in a good mood.
i put on the white stripe's "de stijl".
i used my new shampoo and conditioner.
i took my sweet ass time.
i remembered how much i love long hot showers in the winter. and then thought about how much i love cool showers in the summer. and then i wondered which i liked best. and then i remembered that i don't have to have a favorite. i get them both once a year. and now as i type this i do not think i have quite recovered from friday.
i am off into the sunshine and what i expect to be breath-taking-cold.
all the while listening to "Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum Endalaust" (yup...i copied and pasted that one).
mmm. sigur ros and sunny winter days.

maybe i do love this season.


i am a non smoker and amanda is a watson!

hi lil buddies.
how are you all?
a little annoyed that i only blog once a month?
nah, i figured that you probably didn't give a shit, but also figured i would update you anyway...
so lets see what has been going on....

the day before the election i got hypnotized to quit smoking. i had this appointment set since the beginning of october.
why november third?
why not?
so the morning of the third i wake up. and about 10 minutes before i am going to leave for work gretchen calls to let me know that both of our cars have been broken into.
lucky for me they just decided to smash my drivers side window...(not sure if i all ready told you that i had to replace my battery, but i did) and go through allllll the shit in my car.
now for those of you that know me, you know that when i say "the shit in my car" you know that it is exactly that-shit.
i do not keep valuable things in my car, and now i try and keep NOTHING in there.
so the coat that i got for free from kelly was about to become a $200-something dollar coat since that is all the a-holes took.
you dumb fucks. you totally missed my checkbook.
HOWEVER....thanks to the wonderful and talented roommates boyfriend from heaven the window was fixed for $60...the day before it started raining like mad.

so anyway...i had a pretty shitty morning and thought wow...this is a bad day to quit smoking....and the election was the next day and then liz was coming in town and amanda's wedding....i really thought this was not the best time.
so i went in and i told my therapist that and as the words came out of my mouth i knew what he was going to say. so i finished my list of reasons of why today was not the day for me with the thought "it is never the right time to quit". i took a few drags off a few cigarettes monday and tuesday and then wednesday was it. done. no mas.
it wasn't that hard...so i am thinkging the hypnosis worked.
i still have the inspirational words taped under my monitor at work.
1) for my body smoking is poison
2) i need my body to live
3) i owe my body this respect and protection
sounds so lame. but it is true. and for me, it worked.
it has been a month now. and i am pretty damn proud of myself.

so i got a new battery. a new window. quit smoking....

and then on the way to work the next wednesday my car died. while i was driving it.
$456 later i am the proud owner of the FOURTH ALTERNATOR I HAVE PUT IN THIS BEAST OF A BITCH CAR
why do i still own it?
because i am lazy-duh!

i was supposed to pick up liz the next day from the airport. with high stress and no smoking i rounded up jill (who came and got me) and kelly and we were off to db coopers for drinking and culture.
jill and i drank a little too much and stayed out a little too late and may or may not have sang "summer nights" with two med students.
i woke up a little ashamed and more than a little hungover.
i had to get mcdonalds breakfast....that is where i was at.
i had planned to leave work early, pick up amanda and go get liz. thank god amanda was a calm bride. she came and got me from work. we got some shit together at her house, made a "welcome home beth" sign and headed to the airport to pick up our girl liz.
luckily my car was able to be picked up that evening...because wedding weekend without a car would have been a disater for sure.
that night the ladies all headed to lee's summit to hang out with amanda. we ate a stupid amount of food. murdered a box of franzia. laughed until we almost peed and liz puked.
it was awesome.
we were in bed by 10:30....this was a good thing. as the next day was WATSON WEDDING DAY!!!!
liz and i got up. showered and headed over to the salon so liana could give me the cutest curly 'do ever.
thanks liana...you rock.
loren met us at the apartment and mo picked us up.
from there it was off to the summit for sandwiches, shots, champgna, a serious laugh a thon and a few tears from amanda and her mama at her mom's house.
once the clock struck two we headed over to the mansion to get ready.
and take more shots.
and drink more champagna.
it was all a whirl...and we ran late...and amanda looked absolutly amazing.
the rest of us cleaned up all right too...
the ceremony was short and sweet.
jeremy kept making funny faces at amanda.
i got real nervous during my scripture reading....
no i didn't catch on fire assholes.
they high fived after the kiss.
it was pretty freakin sweet.
then onto the reception.
the cocktail hour was...well...full of cocktails.
the dinner was some of the best wedding food i have had.
and the dancing...well, lets let the picture do the talking
from there we loaded onto a party bus full of booze, friends and GIRLTALK!
needless to say i danced from lee's summit to westport...and the big bruise on my ass for the next week tells me i fell down.
about half of us got off the bus and drug our drunk asses....complete with wedding attire...to kelly's.
the bar. not the friend.
where we met up with this guy
blog readers....meet bryce.
we like this guy.
he is our friend.
i may or may not make a list later of all the reasons i like him.
but for now, we will just leave it as that.
kelly's consisted of more drinking. nipple tweaking. shot taking. bluegrass dancin. and glass breakin.
it all gets blurry after that.
liz and i were home, via cab, sometime between 4:30 and 5:00.

the next day she and i went to breakfast around 8:00...don't ask liz about it.
drove kel, brad and jill back to their cars in the summit.
picked up erin and went to the prop 8 protest on the plaza and then finally hit the couch around 2:00.
neither of us ever got a nap.
but what we lacked in sleep we made up for in laughter.

sisterfriend- that is one of the best couch laying sessions of my life. pound puppies and vacuum cleaners. i fucking love you. nuf said?

we finally took showers and went and met joel and liana for dinner at the vietnamese place in the river market.
for cheating death by drinking, we look pretty good!

from there we went to joels. then to grinders. then liana and joel pussed out.
liz and i went to crosstown.
i fell asleep sitting up at a table at least 3 times while she was outside smoking.
then we went to gilhoulies to see some more of liz's people.
bryce met us there.
then back to the apartment for mario party.
how did we stay up until 4 again? no clue

the next day i had to ship her back to nyc. but what a fabulous weekend.
it is the first time that it has really felt like she was just back to visit. and just back to visit us. and i loved it.

i can't wait to come see you!

amanda...you were a beauty and a joy! you looked like a 40s movie star. and you both glowed all night. i hope that was a sample of what is to come for all of us. i love you moo and i am so very honored to have been a part of your day.

here are a few more of the day...


yes we can...yes we did....yes we will

this post is parts of emails i wrote to a friend after voting and after the win and of course some of my own ramblings....

i got up at 5:45 to make sure i was at the polls by 6:30. my roommate and a coworker and i huddled together for a little over and hour before we voted. the wind was pretty crisp. people in line were enthusiastic. we met several people that live on our block. i loved the feeling of community.
here i am waiting to vote.

i have never voted so openly in my life. there were people sitting on the floor filling out ballots. it was crazy and awesome. when we were waiting outside a bus full of itty bitty black babies drove by and they were all hanging out the windows yelling for obama. it was pretty precious. where we vote is right off main, so there were tons of people driving by yelling and honking.
i will be devastated if we lose this election. the feeling of driving down the streets of my neighborhood lined with obama signs and fallen leaves has been so comforting. i only want it to be over if he will be our president. i don't want to give up this feeling of hope yet.

nick was not worried at all. but i was still skeptical:
Nick: haha
I love it
you are full of piss and vinegar today huh?
me: i am energized and nervous and excited
Nick: me too
and its one of the last remaining beautiful days
me: i know! please please obama!
Nick: its gonna happen, don't sweat it
me: i don't like to count half black presidents before they hatch
but i hope you are right!
Nick: good point, fingers are crossed

after work erin and i headed to 180 for drinks and nibblets. kelly, jill and gretchen met us there. after we all snacked and had a few we decided to go to mccoys. it was packed. we went to riot room. it was empty. so we opted to go to the apartment where we could all sit, hear and see. thank god we always have boxed wine. morgan met us there and we settled in to watch the poll closings.

at 8:30 i received a text from bates telling me to "breathe easy" but we weren't ready yet.
it was still too soon to breathe easy.

after we took ohio we let out the sigh of releif and decided it was time to hit the bars.
we were not 100% yet, but the energy and excitement was building.

we went to the point, where jill and i had watched the 2004 election and cried in our drinks as we prepared for another 4 years of bullshit. there were not a lot of people in the bar and the election was on some tvs and the preseason KU game was on others. it took some convincing to get sound. finally we did. some jackasses were seriously offended that they had to listen to the election while they watched the game.

fuck you white hat. i am pretty sure that is what erin said.

once nbc projected the win we went nuts and when we saw that mccain was conceding it was on.
morgan heard some older "gentleman" at the bar comment that young america voting is like letting a 13 year old drive your car.
fuck you old dude. i am pretty sure this is what morgan was too mature to say.
but i may have...not smoking makes me bitchy.

bates texts "tip your glass dear". i do and then i call him to yell in his ear. followed by my mom and dad and several others.
other texts received: "fucking shit obama is going to win!!!!"
"i'm crying"
"i know! new york is going completely crazy"
"copy that"
"well hot damn! ____ is going to have to concede to a tax break.
poor thing!"
"i love you! yes we can!"

we headed into westport to celebrate. people were honking and yelling and hugging and crying and high fiving. the bar was shoulder to shoulder. i finally got us four shots of jager and sat down just in time for his speech.
the bar was silent when he began.
tears were unstoppable and flowed freely from most.
in fact they are welling up again as i write this.
it was beautiful.
and for the first time that i can remember in my adult life i am proud to be an american.
i feel like my voice is heard.
and i feel like we can make a difference.
i can't believe we did it.
this morning i return to an office full of people that think something bad happened last night.
ignorant small minded fucks.
they will see.
it will take us a while to clean up the mess, but it will happen.

yes we can.

i still can't fucking believe it.
i woke up to an amazing sunrise,
a slight hangover and an overall feeling of hope, accomplishment and happiness.

america. fuck yeah.


red lights....

for someone who is rarely alone, i feel lonely.
i think lonely is my biggest fear in life.

and i owe someone an apology.

i did not know you were reading this.
the thought never even crossed my mind that you were reading this.
and i don't know if you will ever again.
but i owe you this.

it was so much easier when i thought you had moved on. it made me feel like all the things that i have been telling myself to get through this had been validated. that i didn't know you. that the ending all made sense. that you weren't the kind of person that you are.
but it is not so.
you are human. and i can't say that i have not been seeking false comfort as well.
and as much as it pained me to think what i thought, you had to read what i wrote.
i heard it from someone else. you had to hear it from me.
as i told you, i did not write it to hurt you. i wrote it because i was hurting.
and i will be hurting for a while. i think we both will.
it is not often in life that you have to make a conscious decision to walk away from someone so amazing, who knows you so well, that you know would do anything for you. but we all do. we all have to... at some point. and we all know that dull, constant pain of feeling like you are missing part of you. which part you can't exactly put your finger on. maybe it is a little of my heart, with a chunk of my brain and a splash of my soul.
i wanted it. i wanted us to work so bad. and you did too. and it just wouldn't.
we tried. and tried. and tried. and tried....

you know the rest. no one else needs to.
but i will never forget it.

i hope soon you can sit down with a bottle of red wine, a pack of cigarettes and a box of kleenex and put on your headphone and listen to sad robot.
i can't stop listening to it.
i think you will love it.
it breaks my heart so good every time.....
i wish you nothing but happiness.

.....it rains, it rains...i cry, i cry.....



fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

that is all i can say now.

two weeks.

wow. you must have really loved me.
now i am pissed.
and yes, that fucking hurts.

i didn't think you were "that guy".
shows how much i knew.



you made me feel like walking away from you was going to be my greatest regret.
you told me that no one would love me the way that you did.
you told me you wished that one of us would have cheated so it felt more "official".
you made me feel petty and materialistic for wanting the things i wanted.
you made me feel like a sell out for the career path i have chosen.
you made me feel unappreciated.
you made me think that things would get better.
you refused to see how your actions made me feel.
you would never argue with me, when it could have saved us.
you made me feel like i needed to take care of you.
you made me push you to do things you should have done on your own.
you made me feel like an asshole for wanting more out of you.
you have moved on and replaced me and i thought it would hurt more than it does.

i just wonder if you treat her differently than you treated me or if you really were able to find a girl who is just fine with you telling her how you feel and never fucking showing it.



so dating...
dating is funny to me and to be honest, a totally new concept.
i have met most of the people i have been in relationships with through friends.
people i meet, get to know and then do everything i can to make them like me.
sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. either way, it rarely involved dinner and drinks that i was not expected or allowed to pay for.

lately i have been test driving the world of internet dating.
date.dork is an interesting place for me. i feel like i am interviewing for a job that i have no idea what the requirements are and that i am not really sure that i want.
things the confuse/intrigue/weird me out about date.dork....
men folk...smile in your pictures. you look pretty when you smile and we want to know if you have fucked up teeth before we meet you in person. and don't post pics with babes. i don't care if she is your sister. i don't know that. she looks like an ex girlfriend to me and i am trying to decide if i am as cute as her.
it is okay to tell me i am attractive in an email. in fact, if you are halfway decent looking, it kinda makes my day.
on the other hand, do not send me the same email 3 times over a three week period. it exposes you as the unoriginal douche bag you are.
it makes me feel shallow. i am sure that some of these guys have stellar personalities, but i just KNOW i would not be attracted to them. ever. and is it more cruel to send a prewritten message saying you are not interested or just not respond at all?
etiquette is not my thing in real life (all though i do put on a great act in a fancy situation). and internet dating etiquette...well...i have no clue and i really don't care.
i am pushy. i am blunt. i cuss. there.
i am constantly on the look our for fellow date.dorkers in the real life. what do you say when you see someone that you have looked at their profile on the web and then they are standing in front of you? i mean...you all ready thought about talking to them through the computer, but now that they are right in front of you will you have the balls to say anything? luckily i have not had this problem. i have found my neighbor on there and i see him in real life and one guy that works in my building. wasn't interested online and certainly am not now (read: tapered legged jeans).
date.dork has asked me to throw a lot of the qualities i usually look for in people out the window. there are very few people that are "my type" on there. but obviously "my type" doesn't work for me or i wouldn't be trolling for dudes on the computer.
i hate that it tells me i have 7 new emails, when there really aren't any.
i hate the IM function.
and i hate trying to write an email to a stranger to make them want to hang out with me.
i am so much better in real life. but if i just email people asking them out they think i am being too pushy.

jesus. i just want someone who is taller than me, smarter than me, more attractive than me, who doesn't have a big ego, likes music, wine, books, coffee and wants to sit at home as much as he wants to go shake it. or watch me shake it. or just let me shake it.

i want to shake it soon!

ah fuck. i am way off topic now...


my little artshits

what i should be doing...reading my book for book club (the beauty myth), cleaning, doing laundry, flossing.
what i am doing...listening to kings of leon. loud. with headphones on. and showing you my art.
tell me what you think. i need to know because sometime i am going to try and sell some of this shit.
so here it is...in some kind of chronological order.
markers, magazine, duct tape, polyurethane on printer paper

are all made on mat board. they were the centers of amanda's mats for a school project.
acrylic and some magazine.

the next two are magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

your ex lover is dead
magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

for kelly

dreamer in the dark

holly's birthday plate
magazine, acrylic and polyurethane on an ugly old plate.

some old print of the woods backed with what seems to be drywall that i pulled from the trash, acrylic

he is my home

no name
acylic, magazine and an old medicine chest


side one

side two

mail/magazine block

side one

side two

side three

side four- the main event

the next few are fabric pulled over canvas and topped with acrylic

fifth ave. coloring book

no name

no name

this one is the first time i tried embroidering through the canvas and fabric
still have a little work to do

stacking dolls
acrylic, marker, colored pencil and led on canvas

i hate goodbyes.

liz left this morning and left me with a ton of great pictures and even more great memories. her timing was perfect. i needed her to be, at the least, on this side of the world and it was even better to have her here in kc. i have kept myself busy for most of the day since she left. now i have been home for a couple of hours, winding down from a long and wonderful weekend, and it is setting in that my best friend is headed to the other side of the country. it doesn't feel like last time. i didn't have to take her to the airport and sit in my car bawling before making the drive home. she will be back for amanda's wedding in november and she is not out of the country. i can pick up the phone and call her. it takes much less time to save $300 than $1200. and goddamnit i love new york city. but i will still miss her. and i am still sitting here crying.
nothing has been able to cheer me up lately quite like a "hey girl" and a hug from my girl liz. life has been interesting in the last few months and i needed a nice big dose of her.
more than anything so i can remind myself, here is what is playing through my mind...
the first hug from someone you have been counting down the days to see, the most intense game of skipbo ever, mgmt, arts and crafts in springfield, mom playing skipbo with us, dad's poopy pants over the grill, sitting out back smoking, the trip to the farm, romeo y julieta, michael phelps winning his last metal, getting too low, the guy with the hot dog, keeping me sane while i was in indy, the fucking geo tracker (fav memory- your arrival at kickball), airport face, girltalk, getting to know this amazing guy that makes you so happy,stars, adam meeting the parents, chickpics, prank phone calls, that bits still knows she is yours, spending time with liana, kings of leon, dancing our asses off at nomath, long talks about life, cherry lime aides, catching up only to realize that we didn't need to...
i will see you soon friend.
nyc will look fabulous on you.



for the sake of the name

i just realized that i haven't complained in a while...i mean-that is the whole idea behind this blog right?
i mean...things have been sucking at a pretty consistent level for a few months now and i have not taken the opportunity to let you all know just what is pissing me off now.
i think it is because life is shitty for everyone right now, so why does my shit matter. and then i remember you read this to hear me be pissed so here is what my effin issues are...feel free to add on any i forgot ;)

where to start....money. i fucking hate it. i still can't hold onto it, but it is worse now. even staying home has become expensive. i need some of that green stuff because my car is doing everything it can to die. the thought of a car payment at this point in my life makes me ill. i know plenty of you do it, but i don't. and i don't want to. and i don't care how irresponsible it makes me sound.
the anti-christ aka sarah palin. i can't even go into it. she makes me violent. i want to own a gun so i can shoot her in the fucking face and shut her up. this election could lead to mass suicide.
i wish i was kidding.
how does this make you feel... seven hundred billion dollars. and just to hit it home-a billion seconds ago it was 1959. 19-fucking-59.
my sister had my nephew a little over a month ago and he recently came home from the hospital after a long hard battle in the NICU.
clemintine has decided my bed is her favorite place to piss.
and some stupid woman sitting some where near my cube just either sprayed perfume or used the worlds most potent smelling lotion. as a general rule i hate perfume and smelly shit. it makes me cough. and in a cube sea? jesus. it could only be better if they were eating a can of tuna while they spritzed.
it has recently hit me that if i stay at this company the soonest i will get a raise is next october. yes. a year from now. that blows.
the violence in the city is scaring the crap out of me.

i think that is all i have for right now.

the good news is...liz has been home for two months, baby reed is home safe and sound, i now remember what it is like to go on a date and i get to see stars tonight.

hope you are well.
i am thinking about you.

shameless love

you guys...

i am in love with beyonce.
i listen to the album multiple times a day.
i can't help it.
i will shout it from the rooftops.



a plea to you.

open your eyes and allow yourself to be aware of what is occuring.
things are not safe in kansas city.
there has always been crime.
but it is hitting too close to home.
places that i have never thought twice about navigating alone have become crime scenes involving two young women not so different from myself...one who has been in the hospital surviving a gun shot and one who was not so lucky. both attempted robberies.
devin. i cannot believe you are gone. even as i write this part of me just can't wrap my head around it. i just don't want to believe it. i had not run into you in a while but it was always such a pleasure when i did. i will always cherish the laughs. i will always remember that laugh and your smile and your socks. my heart goes out to your family...both your blood family and your friends. this could have been any of us and why it had to be you we will never know.
my promise to you is this- i promise to be safe. i promise to think twice about my surrounding and my actions. i promise to look out for my friends. i promise to not let this harden me, but make me more aware.
this city just isn't the same knowing i won't run into you.

and for the rest of us...
our friends and our instincts are all we can rely on at this point. we have both found ourselves in a group of people that think they own this city and the city is showing us otherwise. it will take us networking and making concessions and compromising in order to keep ourselves and those that we love safe. it will take my group of strong independent women taking a step back and realizing that all though we are strong and we are independent and we are self sufficient that we are still the target for this horrible crimes, simply because we are women. we need to run in packs, we need guys to walk us to our cars and as ridiculous as it sounds, we need to walk around holding mace out so that people know we are aware of what they want to do to us. we need to swallow our pride and ask that security guard or bouncer to walk us to our cars and if these are things we are not willing to make a part of the routine then we do not need to be going out.
there is no need to have another amazing woman injured or killed before we open our eyes to the reality of this world. we are blessed with so many things, but we are fools to think that no one wants to take that away from us.

please be safe. and don't forget to tell people you love them. you just never know...


three beer babble

this is the thing about relationships...or one of the things...at least the thing i have recently noticed...
just because you love someone does not automatically make them just like you. what you may need more of the other person may not. and what may not be important to you could be very important to the person you love. and you must realize this and be able to embrace it without compromising yourself.
otherwise it just doesn't work. no matter how much love there is.
you cannot lose yourself in love or you sacrifice your own happiness.


a random musical fyi

concerts of interest coming up….
my morning jacket @ the uptown 8/18
okkervil river @ the bottleneck 9/12
cut copy @ recordbar 9/15
beck and MGMT @ the uptown 9/29
stars @ the granada 9/26
girl talk @ the granada 11/1
of montreal @ liberty hall 11/15

i currently have tickets to beck and girl talk…the rest are pending budget modifications. i will do my damndest to make it to stars and okkervil river

i spent my morning yesterday checking out music i had not listened to before.
the play list included the following:
born ruffians
fleet foxes
the brian Jonestown massacre
cut copy
she and him

...then i listened to the new sigur ros over and over again. i adore it. the first song feels like summer and road trips and running through fields with friends. and how can you not love a song called gobbledigook? come on!

there are also new albums out from the faint, the walkmen, girl talk, ladytron and I am sure plenty others that I am missing..

Don’t forget to check out the new radiohead video for house of cards.
…the boys are doing everything their own way. o love it.

what’s new in your music life?


bad blogger! bad!

i am a bad blogger.

but what can i say? it's summer. i have been busy...and i am totally off my usual routine.
i am writing to you from the dining room/library/craft room/office of my new apartment.
if you have ever been to my old apartment then you can understand how spacious this place has to be to have that much shit in one room. gretchen, myself and the ladies (that is right....four fluffy furry feline friends) moved to hyde park at the beginning of june. gretch all ready lived over here...and although i do miss w.39th... i love it here too. our place feels like home. it is warm and inviting and full of art and books and sunlight. plus it has two balconies, central air, a full size fridge, hardwoods, a mantel, a dishwasher and a fucking garbage disposal.amazing. i am a hard one to please.
oh. and nonsmoking. that is right. it is hard to write and not smoke. it is making it hard for me to concentrate.
so i smoked...outside and remembered all the shit i should be doing.
so off i go. laundry. cleaning. unload dishwasher.
liz comes home from dubai tomorrow. it feels so great to know that she will again be on the same mass of land as me. i wonder what it is like to come home to all of this.

all right.

oh. before i go i would just like to say that if anyone is reading this that knew jana mackey that my deepest condolences go out to you.i had met her once. but that was enough to know that what everyone says about her is true. it is a great loss to her family, friends and the community. in the wake of her loss we should all take a moment and think about something you can do to make this world a better place. that could mean cleaner, greener, safer, more understanding, more loving-compassionate-open, fed, watered or kept clean.
there is something we can can do.
after months of waiting i received two profiles of girls that could be my little sister. i picked the one i thought i could do the most good for. for what i know of her (from a three page summary) she is a happy kid. she just happens to have a single mom that works in the evening. her mom is not much older than me. when the profile told me about the values of her family, her mother wrote that she wants to instill values of independence, right and wrong and letting her daughter know that she can do and become anything that she wants. this is something i can help with. this is something i understand. these are the values that were instilled in me. i think they are priceless. they are my foundation. and as i think about how much these values mean to me, and in the wake of losing a person like jana, i can't help but be a little disappointed in my lack of doing and becoming anything i want.

i hope to change that very soon.


other people's pet's piss

so....i am sure most of you all ready know this, but while i was on vacation i ended up with my neighbor's cat in my apartment. even after i made it as clear as possible that i was going out of town, her cat still managed to do as he pleased...and she still managed to be a total moron.
when erin went over to feed clem and bacon she found romeo in my apartment and a pile of shit on a blanket on my futon. erin was baffled as to how romeo...the cat...got into my apartment, since the screen doors were shut. she (i love you erin) cleaned up the shit and removed the blanket and went down to return the cat and, of course, the neighbor was not home. she called me on vacation. i was shit faced on the beach. it was saturday and erin was working that night. so i call the neighbor and left her a message that i was away on vacation, as i told her, and that her cat ended up in my apartment, so if she wanted to get him before tomorrow night she would have to go to the bar, get my keys from erin, get her cat and take the keys back...which she did. when i came home on monday i went to julie's birthday party and then came home and went to bed. tuesday night gretchen and i signed our lease (oooh! i need to tell you about the new place) and then met jill at harry's to celebrate and soak in the nice weather. jill and i went back to my place for mac and cheese and i discovered a large pile of shit hiding in the blanket on my couch. now if you have a pet you know what your pets shit looks like. it is just part of the gig. i don't think it is possible for either of the ladies to deliver a BM of that size. i cleaned it up and put the blanket with the other soiled one and headed to my room to catch up on the office. after zumba on wednesday it was my turn to have the ladies over for dinner. they all sat in the dining room while i was cooking. after dinner we retired to the living room. for the first time since being home i was finally going to be able to relax in my living room...i sat on the futon with loren and immediately smelled it. we sat on the edge and tried to ignore it, but it stunk. when loren and amanda left i sat on the couch with jill....it stunk too. so as jill was leaving a febreezed the hell out of both of them and went to bed. when i got home from the gym last night i took the covers off. in the light i can see that what i thought was pee is spray. a cat is not able to cover the entire back AND seat of my couch with urine. male cat spray. great.
i can barely stand to be in that room at all.
landlord says it isn't his fault.
renters insurance doesn't cover damage by animals.
the neighbor is at work and will call me tonight.
my mom has suggested white wine vinnegar. just how i wanted to spend my friday....cleaning up someone else's animal's piss out of my furniture.
i am lucky clem and bacon haven't started peeing too.
i hope i can get the smell out.
i really just want it gone.
i can't wait to move.

my neighbor is being really cool about the situation. this makes it all a lot less stressful.
my apartment now smells like vinegar...and i hope it works.


costco sells coffins.

isn' t that weird?
go to costco.com and search for coffin. i would give you the link but i am too lazy. you can get your coffin expedited for those unplanned deaths and standard for when you know they are going to kick the bucket. you can also purchase urns for human ashes, urns for pet ashes and keepsakes (what ever the fuck those are).
speaking of pets...
my neighbors fucking catS were INSIDE my apartment when i got home.
since the last post, romeo found his way onto my deck again and the neighbor gave me a flower and a note thanking me for taking care of her cats and that hopefully it would stop soon.
well maybe it would stop soon if she...oh...i don't know.....DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT?
anyway...i came home from work, grabbed laundry, hung out with mo and did laundry at her place, met friends at the p&l (more on that at a later date)...and got home around 10:30. i had left my screen door cracked so my cats could enjoy my balcony in this wonderful weather. when i opened my door bacon was sitting on the back of the futon and then i saw romeo in my dressing room and then a black cat came bounding out of my room...this cat was not clem, it was too big...and as soon as i process that thought here comes clementine tearing after this other cat.
clem is a badass bitch.
so i get both her cats on the balcony. my cats are pissed...clem was at the door hissing and growling at the other cats, bacon was hissing at everything.
i went downstairs...negligent cat mom was not home. i came back up and wrote her a letter on post its explaining that both her cats were on my balcony and gave her my number to call me. i also explained to her that i was going to be out of town for a number of days and that she should probably make sure they don't get on my balcony or i don't know how she will get them back.
then i came into my room and the other black cat jumped on to my window sill...thank god there are two windows and not just one like with the kitchen window...so i pop the screen out, get the cat, throw it in my bathroom. clem is going nuts at the door. bacon is hissing at me and clem and the door. at this point i go back down and write her a fourth post it telling her to call me no matter what time is was. that my cats were going crazy and i wasn't sure what to do with hers.
just when i am about to recreate the makeshift litter box from before, she called. and came up and got them. i carried one down for her. i asked her if she had called the landlord and she said no.
i told you your cat almost died before and you still don't want to get it fixed? she said she thought she could fix it herself. when i took the cat to her apartment i realized that maybe she didn't want apartment people in there because she has cut circles out of her bedroom door. a good half of the way up. really? (it looks like she traced the bottom of a beer can. great idea...if you own the door you are cutting them out of)
maybe if you spent half of the time it took you to cut holes in your door on patching the goddamn hole in the wall then we wouldn't be in this situation?!?
i once again explained to her obviously aloof self that i would not be here for the next few days and that the cats will be stuck there.
i highly doubt she will do anything. all she needs to do is buy a hook and eye latch and put it where the cats can't reach it. i know, i know, it is rocket science. i am asking a lot here.
after all this shit is done i hear a dog whining...and then barking...and then all the other dogs in the building start barking.
i love animals. it is cruel to keep your big dog locked up in a tiny apartment like this. and if you feel that it is appropriate have some fucking respect for those of us that live here.
i can't wait when i move out to tell them about how i am leaving because of the dogs and i am afraid my med school rock band obsessed weirdo neighbor is going to burn down the building grilling on his wood deck with a synthetic blend awning overhead. that isn't really the reason...but it easily could be.

what all of this has to do with coffins i do not know.


why do people that wear their pants halfway down their ass wear a belt?

7:15 am alarm........2.something mile earth walk....too much coffee....breakfast with the peeps....db coopers...gilhoulys....
drinking with co workers...dance party at my place
attempted dancing at jilly's. apparently it wasn't open. then to 180 where we found out dusty hates acid jazz...no seats at harry's...everyone bails but dusty, gretch and me. next up:fucking buzzard.
spotted a heard of 23 year olds...gretch asked to rip ones shirt off...it was a snap button get up with a horrid gray wife beater under...i mean the top shirt was white for fuck sake. he was a cancer....from 1984. cancers. eh. i told him i was a gemini from 1972....he said i looked good. i told him i use expensive face cream. if i look good for 35 apparently i need to use expensive face cream too....i am 25 after all.
idiot at buzzard. i really should know better.


spring cleaning

i bitched about it being rainy and blah all day at work, but now that i am home i am so thankful for it. a cleansing that has been much needed. if i didn't have plans tonight i would just paint...even though i should be cleaning and almost every item of clothing i own is dirty.

i am glad my bed hasn't been transformed to a water bed...i really should close my windows when i go to work. i will never learn. it is okay.


it's a boy!!!!!

my grandmother gave birth to four boys...
between the four boys there are seven granddaughters ....
from the seven granddaughters there are six great granddaughters...
after 13 girls on the maples side of the family we will finally have a boy!

my sister will be having her second child at the end of august (we are hoping on grandma's birthday)....and mr.reed tomas feliciano will be the first boy since my youngest uncle was born.

i am so excited!!!


why do i suck at money?

hi. my name is terra. i am 25 and i have no clue how to budget my money.
i am fully aware that this shit does not grow on trees....yet i go ahead and act like it does anyway. i have a job-a decent paying job, and yet i still find myself living like i am in college.
i think my standard of living was actually higher in college....this could be part of the problem.
all right idiot girl. no one wants to hear your lame excuses. what is it going to take for you to remove your head from your anus and live like a responsible adult? great fucking question! i set up a budget using an online company at the beginning of march. i updated it for the first time today. really effective.
it is sick how much money i spend on dining out, drinking in public and smoking....
in january i reported to the handy dandy online bean counter that i spent $351 on eating and drinking...this doesn't include krismas money that magically disappears. in february i stayed levelish at $377 and then went balls out in march at $515.
seriously. this figure does not include gas, smokes, food bought at the grocery...........or shoes.

i have a problem. i am a sick, sick person. someone help me.


unwelcome house guest

when i got up this morning i was a little surprised to find my neighbor's cat on my balcony. this was a fairly common occurrence last fall. there is a hole in the exterior wall of the building that i assume is where the old balcony support used to be. apparently when they built the new balconies they found it unnecessary (aka they are lazy) to fill in that hole. that is going to have to be fixed. the cat that lives in the apartment below me makes it's way up to my balcony by jumping from the rail of the balcony below, into said hole and up onto my balcony. this always happens when my neighbor is not home. i was running late for zumba so i didn't have a chance to see if she was home before i left, so when i came home i took the cat downstairs to return it and- shocking-she was not home. i brought the cat back up and put it back on my balcony and put a post it on her door. bacon and clementine are not too found of the visitor on the porch. bacon just seems pissed that she missed her chance for outside sunning. clementine, on the other hand, made it her business to hiss, growl and bat at the unwelcome visitor through the screen. the cat wandered around on the porch and walked on the rail. this made me extremely nervous as i live on the fourth floor. i gave the cat water since i have no clue at what point last night or this morning it made it's way up here. that seemed to appease it for a while and then it started to cry. it is nice outside, but fairly windy and it wanted in. that was not an option. i thought maybe it was hungry. i debated (as i have before in this situation) as to whether or not i should give it food, because i don't want to reinforce this habit. at the same time i feel bad for the lil guy. so as i went into the kitchen to get food the cat jumped from the balcony onto the small stone ledge of my kitchen window. it is a pretty decent sized leap. shit. now what? it is not possible to remove the screen without popping it out, which would knock the cat off the ledge. so bronson and i decide to use the backboard we painted as a bridge for the cat. as i am getting the board out the cat nearly falls off the window. a feline fatality would have really put a damper on this lovely day. so eventually we get the cat to walk up the board and get it back on my deck. we popped the screen out in case it happened again, which it did shortly after. for the sake of my own sanity this poor cat is now locked in my bathroom, with clementine on the other side of the door hissing and growling. this is not my ideal saturday. nor am i excited about the prospect of cleaning up piss and shit from an animal that does not belong to me.
when will this woman get home?
when will she realize that she shouldn't let the cat out on the balcony when she isn't home?
and what the hell am i going to do with a random cat in my bathroom?
i thought about hoisting it down in a laundry basket, but i have no rope and would feel horrible if something happened. i can't really just chuck it back down there.
it won't stop crying. i feel so bad.
jesus. i just wanted to read and paint.


stagnant people...they make seats for your kind

all right kansas city. i hear you bitching because this show or that one skipped over our sweet lil midwestern city. and i am right there bitching with you. but then, when there is a lovely show like last night's line up at the uptown of spoon, the walkmen and the white rabbits, you-as a collective city-totally blow it. i stood a third of the way back on the crowded floor and watched a good majority of you as you just fucking stood there. i mean you paid money for this show, right? or at least got there super early with your free camel ticket to make sure you got in? but once you were in, you just stood there. i can't imagine how much fun it ISN'T to play to a room full of stagnant people. it isn't even fun to be in the audience with what could just as easily have been a thousand card board cut outs. so laugh, scream the words, close your eyes and take it all in but please please please for the love of music move your body.
if you find that you are unable to complete this small feat then go sit down so i can get closer.

as much as fun as gretchen and i made of the kid with the hemp necklace and the beanie who was more or less trying to mosh...well, at least homeboy was feelin' it.

besides the totally lame crowd the show was a pretty damn good time. next up.....radiohead. nothing like a bunch of mean ass stl folk. but i bet they will move.

mind fucked


in case you live under a rock, there is a man in oregon that claims to be the first man to ever get pregnant. except for the fact that HE STILL HAS A VAGINA, A UTERUS, OVARIES AND FALLOPIAN TUBES. if a person feels that their sexual genetic makeup does not correspond with who they are and feel that it is necessary to live as the other sex in order to live their life in happiness, then more power to you. you are a man. you have testosterone pumping through your body. you can grow a beard...but you are not male. at least not to me. male means XY and a package. this man has had sex reassignment surgery, but only up top. according to the article in the advocate, due to this surgery he is considered legally to be a male and in turn is legally married to his wife.
this brings up a whole other slew of mental turmoil for me.
so you are telling me that the government denies the rights of marriage to gays and lesbians, but if one member of the pair would either have their breast removed or have breast implants ( i am assuming this works both ways for being considered "legally" male or female) that they could be legally married and have all the rights of any other married couple? that is bullshit. how can two people with vaginas get married just because one of them can grow a beard, when two beard free women are not allowed? seriously?!? a set of tits or lack thereof is not what makes a person a man or a woman. i can not believe this flaw in our judicial system! (well i can, but...ya know) i also can’t believe how openly this man flaunts it. i am sure there are other FTM people in the world that have given birth, but they do it for their own personal reasons. i don’t understand what this dude is trying to accomplish.
if i were homosexual i would be so pissed.
shit- i am straight and i am fuming.
give people equal rights.
don’t let a set or a lack there of decide it.
and don’t claim that you are the first male to get pregnant unless you are going to squeeze a baby out of your dick.
ugh. america you make me sick sometimes.

my new soap box

as if my rants on my myspace were not enough i have decided to take this shit public.
obviously this blog is not for the young or faint of heart.
i like to cuss. i like to talk about politics. i like to go out in public and make mental notes about the ridiculous stuff i see and make fun of it later. i like to let people know what i am up to, whether it is exciting or not. and i especially love to complain about what gets under my skin-from that shitty waiter at red robin to this wonderful world we humans have created.
so welcome to my soap box.
if you don't like it then don't tell me, because i don't care.