red lights....

for someone who is rarely alone, i feel lonely.
i think lonely is my biggest fear in life.

and i owe someone an apology.

i did not know you were reading this.
the thought never even crossed my mind that you were reading this.
and i don't know if you will ever again.
but i owe you this.

it was so much easier when i thought you had moved on. it made me feel like all the things that i have been telling myself to get through this had been validated. that i didn't know you. that the ending all made sense. that you weren't the kind of person that you are.
but it is not so.
you are human. and i can't say that i have not been seeking false comfort as well.
and as much as it pained me to think what i thought, you had to read what i wrote.
i heard it from someone else. you had to hear it from me.
as i told you, i did not write it to hurt you. i wrote it because i was hurting.
and i will be hurting for a while. i think we both will.
it is not often in life that you have to make a conscious decision to walk away from someone so amazing, who knows you so well, that you know would do anything for you. but we all do. we all have to... at some point. and we all know that dull, constant pain of feeling like you are missing part of you. which part you can't exactly put your finger on. maybe it is a little of my heart, with a chunk of my brain and a splash of my soul.
i wanted it. i wanted us to work so bad. and you did too. and it just wouldn't.
we tried. and tried. and tried. and tried....

you know the rest. no one else needs to.
but i will never forget it.

i hope soon you can sit down with a bottle of red wine, a pack of cigarettes and a box of kleenex and put on your headphone and listen to sad robot.
i can't stop listening to it.
i think you will love it.
it breaks my heart so good every time.....
i wish you nothing but happiness.

.....it rains, it rains...i cry, i cry.....


mg said...

well put. now maybe you can both truly close the door.

Jeanee said...

Wow Terra... I didn't know you were so deep.

I put you in my roll call!