red lights....

for someone who is rarely alone, i feel lonely.
i think lonely is my biggest fear in life.

and i owe someone an apology.

i did not know you were reading this.
the thought never even crossed my mind that you were reading this.
and i don't know if you will ever again.
but i owe you this.

it was so much easier when i thought you had moved on. it made me feel like all the things that i have been telling myself to get through this had been validated. that i didn't know you. that the ending all made sense. that you weren't the kind of person that you are.
but it is not so.
you are human. and i can't say that i have not been seeking false comfort as well.
and as much as it pained me to think what i thought, you had to read what i wrote.
i heard it from someone else. you had to hear it from me.
as i told you, i did not write it to hurt you. i wrote it because i was hurting.
and i will be hurting for a while. i think we both will.
it is not often in life that you have to make a conscious decision to walk away from someone so amazing, who knows you so well, that you know would do anything for you. but we all do. we all have to... at some point. and we all know that dull, constant pain of feeling like you are missing part of you. which part you can't exactly put your finger on. maybe it is a little of my heart, with a chunk of my brain and a splash of my soul.
i wanted it. i wanted us to work so bad. and you did too. and it just wouldn't.
we tried. and tried. and tried. and tried....

you know the rest. no one else needs to.
but i will never forget it.

i hope soon you can sit down with a bottle of red wine, a pack of cigarettes and a box of kleenex and put on your headphone and listen to sad robot.
i can't stop listening to it.
i think you will love it.
it breaks my heart so good every time.....
i wish you nothing but happiness.

.....it rains, it rains...i cry, i cry.....



fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

that is all i can say now.

two weeks.

wow. you must have really loved me.
now i am pissed.
and yes, that fucking hurts.

i didn't think you were "that guy".
shows how much i knew.



you made me feel like walking away from you was going to be my greatest regret.
you told me that no one would love me the way that you did.
you told me you wished that one of us would have cheated so it felt more "official".
you made me feel petty and materialistic for wanting the things i wanted.
you made me feel like a sell out for the career path i have chosen.
you made me feel unappreciated.
you made me think that things would get better.
you refused to see how your actions made me feel.
you would never argue with me, when it could have saved us.
you made me feel like i needed to take care of you.
you made me push you to do things you should have done on your own.
you made me feel like an asshole for wanting more out of you.
you have moved on and replaced me and i thought it would hurt more than it does.

i just wonder if you treat her differently than you treated me or if you really were able to find a girl who is just fine with you telling her how you feel and never fucking showing it.



so dating...
dating is funny to me and to be honest, a totally new concept.
i have met most of the people i have been in relationships with through friends.
people i meet, get to know and then do everything i can to make them like me.
sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. either way, it rarely involved dinner and drinks that i was not expected or allowed to pay for.

lately i have been test driving the world of internet dating.
date.dork is an interesting place for me. i feel like i am interviewing for a job that i have no idea what the requirements are and that i am not really sure that i want.
things the confuse/intrigue/weird me out about date.dork....
men folk...smile in your pictures. you look pretty when you smile and we want to know if you have fucked up teeth before we meet you in person. and don't post pics with babes. i don't care if she is your sister. i don't know that. she looks like an ex girlfriend to me and i am trying to decide if i am as cute as her.
it is okay to tell me i am attractive in an email. in fact, if you are halfway decent looking, it kinda makes my day.
on the other hand, do not send me the same email 3 times over a three week period. it exposes you as the unoriginal douche bag you are.
it makes me feel shallow. i am sure that some of these guys have stellar personalities, but i just KNOW i would not be attracted to them. ever. and is it more cruel to send a prewritten message saying you are not interested or just not respond at all?
etiquette is not my thing in real life (all though i do put on a great act in a fancy situation). and internet dating etiquette...well...i have no clue and i really don't care.
i am pushy. i am blunt. i cuss. there.
i am constantly on the look our for fellow date.dorkers in the real life. what do you say when you see someone that you have looked at their profile on the web and then they are standing in front of you? i mean...you all ready thought about talking to them through the computer, but now that they are right in front of you will you have the balls to say anything? luckily i have not had this problem. i have found my neighbor on there and i see him in real life and one guy that works in my building. wasn't interested online and certainly am not now (read: tapered legged jeans).
date.dork has asked me to throw a lot of the qualities i usually look for in people out the window. there are very few people that are "my type" on there. but obviously "my type" doesn't work for me or i wouldn't be trolling for dudes on the computer.
i hate that it tells me i have 7 new emails, when there really aren't any.
i hate the IM function.
and i hate trying to write an email to a stranger to make them want to hang out with me.
i am so much better in real life. but if i just email people asking them out they think i am being too pushy.

jesus. i just want someone who is taller than me, smarter than me, more attractive than me, who doesn't have a big ego, likes music, wine, books, coffee and wants to sit at home as much as he wants to go shake it. or watch me shake it. or just let me shake it.

i want to shake it soon!

ah fuck. i am way off topic now...


my little artshits

what i should be doing...reading my book for book club (the beauty myth), cleaning, doing laundry, flossing.
what i am doing...listening to kings of leon. loud. with headphones on. and showing you my art.
tell me what you think. i need to know because sometime i am going to try and sell some of this shit.
so here it is...in some kind of chronological order.
markers, magazine, duct tape, polyurethane on printer paper

are all made on mat board. they were the centers of amanda's mats for a school project.
acrylic and some magazine.

the next two are magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

your ex lover is dead
magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

for kelly

dreamer in the dark

holly's birthday plate
magazine, acrylic and polyurethane on an ugly old plate.

some old print of the woods backed with what seems to be drywall that i pulled from the trash, acrylic

he is my home

no name
acylic, magazine and an old medicine chest


side one

side two

mail/magazine block

side one

side two

side three

side four- the main event

the next few are fabric pulled over canvas and topped with acrylic

fifth ave. coloring book

no name

no name

this one is the first time i tried embroidering through the canvas and fabric
still have a little work to do

stacking dolls
acrylic, marker, colored pencil and led on canvas

i hate goodbyes.

liz left this morning and left me with a ton of great pictures and even more great memories. her timing was perfect. i needed her to be, at the least, on this side of the world and it was even better to have her here in kc. i have kept myself busy for most of the day since she left. now i have been home for a couple of hours, winding down from a long and wonderful weekend, and it is setting in that my best friend is headed to the other side of the country. it doesn't feel like last time. i didn't have to take her to the airport and sit in my car bawling before making the drive home. she will be back for amanda's wedding in november and she is not out of the country. i can pick up the phone and call her. it takes much less time to save $300 than $1200. and goddamnit i love new york city. but i will still miss her. and i am still sitting here crying.
nothing has been able to cheer me up lately quite like a "hey girl" and a hug from my girl liz. life has been interesting in the last few months and i needed a nice big dose of her.
more than anything so i can remind myself, here is what is playing through my mind...
the first hug from someone you have been counting down the days to see, the most intense game of skipbo ever, mgmt, arts and crafts in springfield, mom playing skipbo with us, dad's poopy pants over the grill, sitting out back smoking, the trip to the farm, romeo y julieta, michael phelps winning his last metal, getting too low, the guy with the hot dog, keeping me sane while i was in indy, the fucking geo tracker (fav memory- your arrival at kickball), airport face, girltalk, getting to know this amazing guy that makes you so happy,stars, adam meeting the parents, chickpics, prank phone calls, that bits still knows she is yours, spending time with liana, kings of leon, dancing our asses off at nomath, long talks about life, cherry lime aides, catching up only to realize that we didn't need to...
i will see you soon friend.
nyc will look fabulous on you.