time capsule

today i randomly thought about myspace.
and so i went to check out my old page.
i couldn't remember my password.
and then i had to think if my signin was with my gmail or my hotmail.
once i figured all that out i logged into my old pal myspace.
or my_____. as it prefers to be called.

all of my updates are from the recordbar or bands.
i have 10 unread messages. all from bands.
i have no idea when i last logged in.
i went to my profile.
i don't even look like myself.

my last status is from may 2009.

my playlist consists of:
first aid kit (uh???who?)
noah and the whale
of montreal
animal collective
kate nash
the bird and the bee
iron and wine
the hood internet
good to know some things never change.

and some things do change...

i match my socks now.
most of the time.
i still don't give a shit, but i guess b did somewhere along the way.
and in the grand scheme of things, asking your 28 year old girlfriend to at least match the childish socks she loves to wear isn't asking a whole lot
i still am not very good at going with the flow.
and there is the link to this sweet little blog.

nothing too shocking here.
i used to be so much better about music though.

i looked around for maybe a total of 5 minutes.
there are ads everywhere.
it was strange to see my top 12 and remember all the bullshit surrounding the order that you placed your friends in.

myspace went through a major redesign last year, but clearly not so major that i gave a shit to check it out.
did you?

according to this article the redesign was supposed to take myspace out of the social networking world and reposition it as a "social entertainment destination".
that explains all the band and venue messages.
the article also says that it's efforts were focused towards a younger audience.
so perhaps that is why i missed it, but i highly doubt it.
i am sure it will come as no surprise to mention that myspace is failing horribly.
i was made aware by friend at work today that the company has had massive layoffs recently.
apparently they laid off 47% of their staff in january.
am i the only one who completely missed this?

on the login page for myspace you can link it to your facebook in something described as a "Mashup"?
i had to know more.
google led me to an artcile from pc world called "myspace's facebook 'mashup'--why bother?"
my sentiments exactly.
the author jokes- "I'm guessing approximately four people are excited by this development"

out of all my facebook friends three of them have mashed it up.

RIP myspace.
thanks for the memories.
and being my first social networking addiction.


well said, mama.

"all joy and no fun. why parents hate parenting"

i posted this article from the new york magazine on my facebook last week and loved the response i received from the mothers in my life. mine included...

i won't try and summarize the article for you, because i really want you to read it and tell me what you thought of it.
while i found the article very interesting, the part that stood out to me was this:
"A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters. But the abundance of choices—whether to have kids, when, how many—may be one of the reasons parents are less happy."
this speaks strongly to me and has been the topic of many conversations with friends recently.
most of my best friends are single (READ:not married), in their late twenties or early thirties, without kids.
as we all reach the magic number 30, the decision to and timing of having children starts to be a subject on many of our minds.
in a conversation with a friend of mine the other day we talked about how sometimes we wished we would have just gotten married young and started having kids. 
before we had the chance to weigh the option of having them or not.
before we had a taste of total freedom in our adult lives.
before it seemed like we were giving something up to have kids.

i do not look at having a child as a burden. 
but i know that my world will change drastically. 
and, to be totally honest, it is intimidating. sometimes terrifying.
i am currently in (almost) complete and total control of my life.i make decisions based on what i think is best for me. and i (for the most part) am the only person that is effected by those decisions.

when i did a google search to find the link to the article i also found several responses to it, which i found equally interesting. 
don't forget to read the comments.
my two favorites out of the few i sifted through are "why parents hate parenting--or do they?" and this blog post.

"why parents hate parenting-or do they?"  is authored by Elisha Goldstien, a Pd.D who seems to do a lot of work in the area of mindfulness, a concept tied to Buddhism that stresses the importance of being present in the moment. his article suggests that when you are experiencing the struggles of parenting you should be aware of the memories that will be looked back on fondly later in life. 
i really think he says it best:

"Cornell Psychologist Tom Gilovich "recalls watching TV with his children at three in the morning when they were sick. "I wouldn't have said it was too fun at the time," he says. "But now I look back on it and say, 'Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?' " The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification, nostalgia, delight.
Is there a way we can become more aware in those moments where our moods are dampened that these may actually be precious or even sacred moments in life. In other words, can we create what I call a present nostalgia? This is the ability to bring that feeling for reminiscence or longing to the moment that it is actually happening. One way of doing this is to imagine yourself many years from now laying down toward the end of life looking back to this moment. What is here now that you're not seeing?"

i love this idea of present nostalgia and often find it sneaking into my life now.
i have moments where i stop and think about what a wonderful memory i am making.
i stop and let it sink in a little deeper and enjoy the moment even more.
i think that bringing this idea to parenting is key.
dr. goldstien also uses mindfulness to relieve stress and anxiety in many other situations.
i will be trying to keep up with this guy via his blog

the blog post from the last psychiatrist is awesome. i love the language. i love the way the article is broken down. i love the way the article is called out.
if you don't like cussing, sarcasm or bluntness this one isn't for you (and to that point, why the hell are you reading my blog?)
i can't find any credentials or anything about this guy.
and that might make me love him a little more.

i think his caption under the magazine cover sums it up pretty well.

some other favorite quotes:

"When a person sees their life as a movie, that means they're the main character and everyone else is merely supporting cast.  And when one of the extras-- in this case, the kid-- goes off script, she doesn't just get upset, she has a full blown existential crisis"

" Maybe it's the rum talking, but am I the only one who read that description of the clip and thought "the mom sounds hot?"   That's the issue.   The issue is that she is a trim brunette with a bun, with glasses, with a look, whose relative perfection is being marred by the time burglar in the den.  The issue isn't the homework, the issue is her. "

"The real form of the question, the one that generates the correct answer simply in its asking,  is, "why doesn't having kids-- or getting married or getting a better job or getting laid or anything else I try to do-- make me happy?   Oh. I get it.  I'll shut up now.""

"The guy was in a relationship without any kids, and he felt neglected.  What the hell did he think was going to happen when he had kids?  Daily oral? "

in his article he touches on the concept of the mom who has it all together. this is something that i have never been disillusioned by.
i will never be the trifecta of perfection.
the perfect wife, mother, career woman.
and i promise that i will never try to be.
(the trifecta of perfection is a whole other post)

another topic the new york magazine article brings up is how much time people pour into their kids now. how people used to have children for economic reasons- to help man the farm or run the family business. and now people see their children as the ultimate project. something to be groomed, sculpted, cultivated into whatever the parent sees as the icon of success. i actually overheard four women having a conversation about how one of them should not have any other children because somestupid% of CEOs were only children.
really? awesome america.
clearly some people's priorities are effed.
(again, a whole other post.)

so where does all of this leave me?
well, besides having two new blogs to follow, it leaves me feeling good.
hopeful even.
confident in my decision to have children.
to enjoy having children.
to be present in the moment. to enjoy them for what they are.
they are not a job. they are not a career.  they are not something that i can completely control the outcome of. they are not a direct reflection of my person.
they will be their own people. they will have their own successes and their own failures.
and i will be lucky to get to be a part of it all.

 where does it leave you?

as a side note....it feels great to not just be reading, but comprehending, researching and thinking.


doughnuts every day!!!

so...skiiiiiiing was great! i am not great at skiing.
but i don't suck either. so i count that as a win.
we met up after work on thursday, packed the car and headed to frick'n'frack for dinner.
we got on the road around 8.
bryce drove for the first ihavenoideahowlong.
i did my best to stay up as long as i could...you know, because it sucks to be driving when everyone else is sleeping.
i should probably also throw out that i was trained as a small child to sleep on car trips.
i think i made it to just outside manhattan.
at that point i would fall asleep and then wake up to ask bryce if he was doing okay. i later was told that there were strong winds, but that night i thought bryce kept swerving off the road a bit.
i do remember seeing a windfarm in the dark.
just these floating red lights going off and on. each at their own pace.
from a distance it looked like an alien invasion.
when we drove past them it was awesome to see the blades come out of the dark and into the red light, for only a quick moment.
we got into breck at 5:something AM.
went to a gas station and found out that daylight doughnuts would be the first place to open.
we hung out in the car outside until it opened.
daylight doughnuts is so freaking good.
and the people that work there are friendly and helpful.
i ordered a tom macmuffin...scrambled eggs, cheese, bacon, english muffin.
and a coffee.
and one dozen doughnut holes.
since it was 6am on a friday there weren't many people there, so we hung out for a while.
teeth were brushed. faces were washed.
tyler, a guy who works there, recommended carvers to us for our ski rentals.
everyone there was helpful. i got a helmet and some mittens and we headed out.
we couldn't get in our room so we changed in the bathroom.
got in the car and drove to the gondola.
some nice old people (is that rude?)  rode with us and told us that i should learn on the greens on peak 8 and then we should go to peak 7 on saturday because it won't be as crowded.
so we get off the gondola. i get my skis on. we get on a lift.
i get off the lift without falling.
i start to go down the mountain.
and then i am going really fast.
this is what i didn't like about skiing last time.
so i really can't remember the whole start of the issue, but i am whizzing past b, who was waiting for me, screaming that i don't know how to stop.
then i see brad so i am yelling, asking him to help.
and then i see kelly, on her board. i believe she was standing.
and then i see the lift.
kelly. or the lift.
friend. or concrete pillar that-at that time i didn't know had a pad on it.
so i chose kelly.
i think i pretty much slide tackled her in my skis.
we ended up in a pile of limbs, skits and laughter.
amazingly no one was injured.
i do have a constantly evolving bruise on my ass, but i will live.
skiing. american honey. red stag. margaritas. beers. jager shots. a 40 of tecate.
and not nearly enough food.
at some point we are done.
and i skied a blue.
then we went to the condo. sat in the hot tub. took showers and headed to main st. for dinner.
someone had suggested giampietro.
we put our names in. agreed to an hour wait. and headed to the bar across the street.
there was a drunken 40 year old in charge of the juke box.
a lovely mix of johnny cash and shitty early 2000's poprockcrap.
when no one was any further than a quarter into their beer, the restaurant called and we had a table.
when b was closing his tab the bartender recommended anything with ricotta in it.
the restaurant is tiny and seemed to do a great deal of take out as well.
it was sooo good. and we were soooooo tired.
brad was too tired to eat.
we went back to the condo and went the eff to sleep.
day two...woke up to a blizzard. a for reals blizzard.
we got going around 9:30. went back to daylight doughnuts for breakfast.
bryce had the most amazing fried cinnamon roll. i had at least half of it.
then we went back to the condo to walk to the lift.
walking uphill, carrying skis, in ski boots made me feel extremely out of shape.
we rode the lift up and then skied over to peak 7.
the trek there was all right.
i pizza....a lot.
my skis cross over each other.
i am really bad at the steep sections. i get up to them. stop. stare at it for a while. and then usually kel would yell for me to just do it.
slow. wide. messy. and usually involving a fall of some sort.
total amateur.
but whatever. i did it.
peak 7 was my favorite.
long runs, with rolling hills and little to no ohshithowthehellamigoingtogetdownthis hills.
it was super cold out and my bandanna face mask was frozen.
next time i will buy a fancy one.
i hate cold face!
around 3:15 we figured we should probably start our trek home.
i was exhausted.
my legs were shaking.
i really just wanted to be done.
then i had my last last sweet yard sale.
it was my hardest fall of that day...until the trek home i had not come out of my skis.
i laid on my back, head facing down the mountain and for the first time thought i was going to cry.
tired. frustrated. over it.
luckily, this was the only time i felt this way the whole trip. and i was worried that was how i was going to feel the whole time.
my cheerleaders were very encouraging and we eventually made it back to the condo.
b, brad and i headed to carvers to return our gear.
it was just as easy and stress free as getting them.
then we scooped up miss.terri and headed back to the condo.
showers. words with friends. drinks.
then to mi casa, on terri's recommendation, for dinner.
again...an hour wait. and again, table in less than 20 minutes.
and it was goooood.
we ate and ate and ate. and decided that once again, we weren't going to make it out past dinner.
so we said good-bye (until sunday) to terri and headed back to the condo.
there were talks of the hot tub, but it was chalk full of drunk co-eds by the time we got back.
drunk nude co-eds.
we all laid around watching rom-coms and bad reality tv.
then all of the sudden there was a loud banging on our door.
we weren't expecting anyone.
it was a drunk guy from the hot tub.
apparently he thought our room was his.
we took turns watching him wander up and down the hall.
then he laid down on the floor and tried to steal coke from the coke machine by putting his arm as far as he could in the opening, while still laying down.
eventually he made his way to the sauna and b opened the sliding door in our room to let his friends know that his drunk ass may be passed out in the sauna.
then we got to enjoy watching all their drunk asses through the peep hole.
kel took video on her iphone.
it is pretty hilarious.
at some point we all passed out.
got up, packed the car and headed out for our last breakfast at daylight doughnuts.
today it was a glazed blueberry caked doughnut for me and half of kel's pine cone.
that's right. we went all three days.
and had doughnuts every time.
this is the only time in my life that i can recall eating doughnuts three days in a row.
take that weight watchers!
we then walked up and down main st. in some bitter cold weather, got coffee and said goodbye to breck.

next stop: silver plume.
we finally made it. holy snow. holy traffic.
what a freaking cute town and terri and shane's bakery, sopp & truscott, is adorable.
and if you drive by silver plume and you don't stop for a lemon bar and some fresh bread, well, you are doing a major disservice to your taste buds!
i can't wait to go back in the summer.
we made one last stop at applejack in denver and then it was my turn to drive.
the best part about driving is that you get musical control.
i put my ipod on shuffle and settled in for a long drive.

animal collective. arcade fire.black keys. bon iver.cheyenne marie mize. the decemberist. the dodos. edward sharpe. fleet foxes. fiona apple.grizzly bear. menomena. mumford & sons.stars.....
i made it to colby and handed off the wheel to kelly. who got us to right outside of topeka. and then brad took us home.
we pulled in around 2:00am monday morning.
so happy to see the dogs and to see b's sister aka the virgin vegan. 
and...i wasn't even THAT sore.

you should expect a blog on my vegan food adventures with muffy sometime soon.
soy cheese? really?

...until then...


progress report.

so, january has come and gone.
where does the time go?
tonight i leave on the ski trip.
thanks to a call from kel, i was able to get 40% back on my coat and use that money to buy ski pants (since my carhart bibs didn't 'make it in) and a thermal.
dynamic earth hooked it up with on sale marmot base layer pants.
and i will deal with the helmet when we get there tomorrow.
yes, i am wearing a helmet. i don't care how lame it is. i like being alive and in a non vegetative state.

so...next week you can expect an update on how it went, how bad i hurt, what kind of trouble we got into and maybe, if you are good, some pictures.

but for now.....a goals update.

remember how i wasn't eating out in january? yeah...me neither. FAIL
we totally ate out, but i feel good about the decisions i made and the scale provided the evidence that i was good.
i have worked out at three days a week for each week in january. so, that was a WIN!

on the house a home front, we have painted walls, and now have art in the dining room, hall and bathroom. there is one piece in the living room and i think we are going to round that room out with a big, abstract from a friend of mine. i love the new paint. it makes me happy every day. i will post about it when it is DONE.
here is a little preview:

on the creativity front, i finally started the art i owe people. i wrapped 5 canvasses with fabric last weekend and started painting. they still have a little ways to go, but i the hardest part is out of the way. they will be similar to this piece, which was a show favorite.

two of the five are spoken for. if you are interested in one of the others please get in touch.

i have not started either a quilt or a savings account. all thought the latter is on the agenda for feb.

and as for the blogging?? SUCCESS! thanks for keeping me honest friends.

sorry this isn't longer. or more insightful, but i have colorado on the brain.

until then, be warm and send good thoughts for a safe drive and ski experience!