some kind of update

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.


Sarah said...

Stick with it through July, girl. I used to be an intern case manager for Big Brothers, Little Sisters and all too many "Bigs" dont follow through with their commitments to thier "Littles" and it is really heartbreaking. I dont know the situation with your Little, but I do know that many of the children in the program come from broken homes of some sort and are looking for something stable. If this helps, I have a suggestion. One man in the program would bring an ongoing scrapbook to his meetings with his Little. Each week they would make a page. One week it was to write down all the things the Little was thankful for, another was to talk about what the Little wanted to be when he grew up. The Little really loved it, so I thought I would relay the idea to you. Hope things get better with her. Good Luck!

terra said...

thanks for the suggestion! it is a good one.
which sarah is this?
i would love to talk to you more about this....