heart broken

an old coworker of mine keeps a blog.
she and i worked in the same building but seldom spoke.
always friendly, but not friends.
she was laid off in the first round of layoffs.
and then we became friends on facebook.
and she began posting her blog there. and i began to read.
at first it was fun to get to know a different side of someone.
and then i looked on her online profile...and found another blog where she first wrote about the horrible time life was giving her when trying to get pregnant. and getting pregnant. and losing babies.
and i was floored.

and my heart hurt for her.
maybe i am finally mature enough to fathom the pain a mother feels when losing a child.
i almost tear up just writing about it.

and then she started sharing these experiences on her main blog.
and i was so proud of her and so impressed by her courage.
there are always things that i have wanted to write about here, but have never been courageous enough just to say them.
to tell the whole fucking world.
no care of who is listening.
this is me. here i am. here is my shit. take me or leave me.

and i love her for it.
i was truly excited for her, as i would be a best friend, when i read that she was pregnant.
and it hurt even worse when she wasn't anymore.

and now. after more ups and downs. more positives and then negatives.
she is pregnant. real live baby bump pregnant.
and had to tell her four year old today that her daddy didn't want to be with her mommy anymore and i am sick.

just sick.

i want to fix it. i want to make it all better for her.

one day things are going to be great for this amazing woman.
i hope that day is soon.

i am thinking about you lady.

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