a box of tissues in and no end in sight

i felt shitty last night. i didn't sleep well. i was hot. it hurt to swallow. i couldn't stay asleep and i also couldn't turn my mind off.
i called in sick today, went to the doctor and found out it is not strep, so that is good. i got a z-pack.

i have been fighting off something or another since before mexico and i know i am overly stressed, but until tonight i couldn't pin point about what.

i mean, there have been all of the obvious stuff...

work had been stressful since the start of summer.
mexico was a much welcome, needed and enjoyed vacation, but probably not exactly what my immunity system needed.
we got home thursday.  week before thanksgiving.
we got a new dog on friday and he injured himself immediately.
the stress from not knowing where he came from and what secrets he may have was more intense than i had budgeted for.
(yes. i budget my stress)
i found out i got the job on wednesday. about 5 minutes after getting out of the shower and about 30 minutes before hosting a dinner for 25 of my favorite people.
a busy thanksgiving break.
the dread of putting in my two weeks.
the insanity of trying to do everything i could to get everyone as set up as possible before i left.
saying goodbye to the people that have been my third family and the one i have spent the most time with-my work family.
walking into a brand new place and realizing that i really must have sold myself well to get there.
and being petrified that i didn't make the right decision.

but tonight... tonight i figured out the real issue.
the biggest stressor.
the one that i thought i could just ignore and it would go away.

when i got on facebook tonight i saw my sister's status.
it read "it's almost over"
i went to respond to her..."i feel you and i love you. try to be strong big siiiiister (enter the BAWLING) and i will too. promise?"
there it is.
the big one.
my sister and her family are not coming home for christmas and it is fucking killing me. her. mom. dad. all of us.
i picked up the phone so we could cry about it together for the first time.and cry we did.
cry and cry and cry and cry.
and now i, like my mom and sister have apparently been for weeks, can't stop crying.
my be strong mantra is something like "we should be thankful to have something so wonderful that i hurts us this much to go without it"
but it doesn't help.  
and trying to be strong wasn't helping either.

this is the first time in the existence of our family that we haven't all been together. 

i won't really know what to do with myself.
i don't really know what to do with myself.
i could sit here and list all of the things that will feel wrong or be missing but that would be torture.
i think that i can sum it up by saying that this will be the hardest christmas for this family thus far.
i am so sad. sadder than i have been in a long time. and all the people i love the most are just as sad. and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. but find comfort in the fact that we are all in the same place emotionally, if not physically.
and promise that we will never let it happen again.

now i understand why i brought up all my christmas shit, unpacked it, and then put it away.
why i have had no desire to make gifts for anyone, when usually i can't wait.
why i have been avoiding the idea of christmas like the plague.
why i did most of my shopping online, in one night.
why i teared up at target when i saw the silly christmas jammies.

so here i am, sitting on my couch, listening to sigur ros, bawling, and counting down with my family until the 26th of december.

but it is amazing how much better my throat feels when i am crying.
and how much loser my body feels.
and how good it feels to finally just feel it.

i have literally made myself sick from keeping all this sad inside me.

we will get through this. but please excuse my emotional unavailability until then.

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