you

you made me feel like walking away from you was going to be my greatest regret.
you told me that no one would love me the way that you did.
you told me you wished that one of us would have cheated so it felt more "official".
you made me feel petty and materialistic for wanting the things i wanted.
you made me feel like a sell out for the career path i have chosen.
you made me feel unappreciated.
you made me think that things would get better.
you refused to see how your actions made me feel.
you would never argue with me, when it could have saved us.
you made me feel like i needed to take care of you.
you made me push you to do things you should have done on your own.
you made me feel like an asshole for wanting more out of you.
you have moved on and replaced me and i thought it would hurt more than it does.

i just wonder if you treat her differently than you treated me or if you really were able to find a girl who is just fine with you telling her how you feel and never fucking showing it.

date.dot.dork

so dating...
dating is funny to me and to be honest, a totally new concept.
i have met most of the people i have been in relationships with through friends.
people i meet, get to know and then do everything i can to make them like me.
sometimes it works, usually it doesn't. either way, it rarely involved dinner and drinks that i was not expected or allowed to pay for.

lately i have been test driving the world of internet dating.
date.dork is an interesting place for me. i feel like i am interviewing for a job that i have no idea what the requirements are and that i am not really sure that i want.
things the confuse/intrigue/weird me out about date.dork....
men folk...smile in your pictures. you look pretty when you smile and we want to know if you have fucked up teeth before we meet you in person. and don't post pics with babes. i don't care if she is your sister. i don't know that. she looks like an ex girlfriend to me and i am trying to decide if i am as cute as her.
it is okay to tell me i am attractive in an email. in fact, if you are halfway decent looking, it kinda makes my day.
on the other hand, do not send me the same email 3 times over a three week period. it exposes you as the unoriginal douche bag you are.
it makes me feel shallow. i am sure that some of these guys have stellar personalities, but i just KNOW i would not be attracted to them. ever. and is it more cruel to send a prewritten message saying you are not interested or just not respond at all?
etiquette is not my thing in real life (all though i do put on a great act in a fancy situation). and internet dating etiquette...well...i have no clue and i really don't care.
i am pushy. i am blunt. i cuss. there.
i am constantly on the look our for fellow date.dorkers in the real life. what do you say when you see someone that you have looked at their profile on the web and then they are standing in front of you? i mean...you all ready thought about talking to them through the computer, but now that they are right in front of you will you have the balls to say anything? luckily i have not had this problem. i have found my neighbor on there and i see him in real life and one guy that works in my building. wasn't interested online and certainly am not now (read: tapered legged jeans).
date.dork has asked me to throw a lot of the qualities i usually look for in people out the window. there are very few people that are "my type" on there. but obviously "my type" doesn't work for me or i wouldn't be trolling for dudes on the computer.
i hate that it tells me i have 7 new emails, when there really aren't any.
i hate the IM function.
and i hate trying to write an email to a stranger to make them want to hang out with me.
i am so much better in real life. but if i just email people asking them out they think i am being too pushy.

jesus. i just want someone who is taller than me, smarter than me, more attractive than me, who doesn't have a big ego, likes music, wine, books, coffee and wants to sit at home as much as he wants to go shake it. or watch me shake it. or just let me shake it.

i want to shake it soon!

ah fuck. i am way off topic now...

my little artshits

what i should be doing...reading my book for book club (the beauty myth), cleaning, doing laundry, flossing.
what i am doing...listening to kings of leon. loud. with headphones on. and showing you my art.
tell me what you think. i need to know because sometime i am going to try and sell some of this shit.
so here it is...in some kind of chronological order.
relationshipexperiment
markers, magazine, duct tape, polyurethane on printer paper



are all made on mat board. they were the centers of amanda's mats for a school project.
acrylic and some magazine.




the next two are magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood

your ex lover is dead
magazine, maker, acrylic and polyurethane on wood


for kelly


dreamer in the dark


holly's birthday plate
magazine, acrylic and polyurethane on an ugly old plate.


skyybirds
some old print of the woods backed with what seems to be drywall that i pulled from the trash, acrylic


he is my home
collage


no name
acylic, magazine and an old medicine chest

front


side one


side two


mail/magazine block

side one


side two


side three


side four- the main event


the next few are fabric pulled over canvas and topped with acrylic

fifth ave. coloring book


no name


no name


this one is the first time i tried embroidering through the canvas and fabric
still have a little work to do


stacking dolls
acrylic, marker, colored pencil and led on canvas

i hate goodbyes.

liz left this morning and left me with a ton of great pictures and even more great memories. her timing was perfect. i needed her to be, at the least, on this side of the world and it was even better to have her here in kc. i have kept myself busy for most of the day since she left. now i have been home for a couple of hours, winding down from a long and wonderful weekend, and it is setting in that my best friend is headed to the other side of the country. it doesn't feel like last time. i didn't have to take her to the airport and sit in my car bawling before making the drive home. she will be back for amanda's wedding in november and she is not out of the country. i can pick up the phone and call her. it takes much less time to save $300 than $1200. and goddamnit i love new york city. but i will still miss her. and i am still sitting here crying.
nothing has been able to cheer me up lately quite like a "hey girl" and a hug from my girl liz. life has been interesting in the last few months and i needed a nice big dose of her.
more than anything so i can remind myself, here is what is playing through my mind...
the first hug from someone you have been counting down the days to see, the most intense game of skipbo ever, mgmt, arts and crafts in springfield, mom playing skipbo with us, dad's poopy pants over the grill, sitting out back smoking, the trip to the farm, romeo y julieta, michael phelps winning his last metal, getting too low, the guy with the hot dog, keeping me sane while i was in indy, the fucking geo tracker (fav memory- your arrival at kickball), airport face, girltalk, getting to know this amazing guy that makes you so happy,stars, adam meeting the parents, chickpics, prank phone calls, that bits still knows she is yours, spending time with liana, kings of leon, dancing our asses off at nomath, long talks about life, cherry lime aides, catching up only to realize that we didn't need to...
i will see you soon friend.
nyc will look fabulous on you.

for the sake of the name

i just realized that i haven't complained in a while...i mean-that is the whole idea behind this blog right?
i mean...things have been sucking at a pretty consistent level for a few months now and i have not taken the opportunity to let you all know just what is pissing me off now.
i think it is because life is shitty for everyone right now, so why does my shit matter. and then i remember you read this to hear me be pissed so here is what my effin issues are...feel free to add on any i forgot ;)

where to start....money. i fucking hate it. i still can't hold onto it, but it is worse now. even staying home has become expensive. i need some of that green stuff because my car is doing everything it can to die. the thought of a car payment at this point in my life makes me ill. i know plenty of you do it, but i don't. and i don't want to. and i don't care how irresponsible it makes me sound.
the anti-christ aka sarah palin. i can't even go into it. she makes me violent. i want to own a gun so i can shoot her in the fucking face and shut her up. this election could lead to mass suicide.
i wish i was kidding.
how does this make you feel... seven hundred billion dollars. and just to hit it home-a billion seconds ago it was 1959. 19-fucking-59.
my sister had my nephew a little over a month ago and he recently came home from the hospital after a long hard battle in the NICU.
clemintine has decided my bed is her favorite place to piss.
and some stupid woman sitting some where near my cube just either sprayed perfume or used the worlds most potent smelling lotion. as a general rule i hate perfume and smelly shit. it makes me cough. and in a cube sea? jesus. it could only be better if they were eating a can of tuna while they spritzed.
it has recently hit me that if i stay at this company the soonest i will get a raise is next october. yes. a year from now. that blows.
the violence in the city is scaring the crap out of me.

i think that is all i have for right now.

the good news is...liz has been home for two months, baby reed is home safe and sound, i now remember what it is like to go on a date and i get to see stars tonight.

hope you are well.
i am thinking about you.

shameless love

you guys...

i am in love with beyonce.
i listen to the album multiple times a day.
i can't help it.
i will shout it from the rooftops.

I LOVE BEYONCE.

a plea to you.

open your eyes and allow yourself to be aware of what is occuring.
things are not safe in kansas city.
there has always been crime.
but it is hitting too close to home.
places that i have never thought twice about navigating alone have become crime scenes involving two young women not so different from myself...one who has been in the hospital surviving a gun shot and one who was not so lucky. both attempted robberies.

devin. i cannot believe you are gone. even as i write this part of me just can't wrap my head around it. i just don't want to believe it. i had not run into you in a while but it was always such a pleasure when i did. i will always cherish the laughs. i will always remember that laugh and your smile and your socks. my heart goes out to your family...both your blood family and your friends. this could have been any of us and why it had to be you we will never know.
my promise to you is this- i promise to be safe. i promise to think twice about my surrounding and my actions. i promise to look out for my friends. i promise to not let this harden me, but make me more aware.
this city just isn't the same knowing i won't run into you.

and for the rest of us...
our friends and our instincts are all we can rely on at this point. we have both found ourselves in a group of people that think they own this city and the city is showing us otherwise. it will take us networking and making concessions and compromising in order to keep ourselves and those that we love safe. it will take my group of strong independent women taking a step back and realizing that all though we are strong and we are independent and we are self sufficient that we are still the target for this horrible crimes, simply because we are women. we need to run in packs, we need guys to walk us to our cars and as ridiculous as it sounds, we need to walk around holding mace out so that people know we are aware of what they want to do to us. we need to swallow our pride and ask that security guard or bouncer to walk us to our cars and if these are things we are not willing to make a part of the routine then we do not need to be going out.
there is no need to have another amazing woman injured or killed before we open our eyes to the reality of this world. we are blessed with so many things, but we are fools to think that no one wants to take that away from us.

please be safe. and don't forget to tell people you love them. you just never know...