some kind of update

well i am once again heading home this weekend...
this time it is not to escape life.
it is to see my sister, niece and nephew.
i know it has been a while since i have had anything to say, but considering the point of this blog is to bitch, having nothing to say is a good thing.
my foot is healed. this is the first week i have gotten back to the gym multiple days in a row.
not because of my foot, because of my schedule.
last week was full with christina's birthday, dinner with amanda and my second trip to the opera...
i recently ran across the email i sent the girls after the first opera.
and it made me smile.

things at work have calmed down.
no one close to me was let go.
i will soon have a boss and hope that will bring some clarity and consistency to my position.
and i have gotten used to my car payments.

life has been pretty laid back for me.
i spend a lot of my time with bryce...
and it makes me stupid happy.

i would say the only major stress in my life right now is my "little sister".
we have still not created a bond.
at least not one that i can recognize.
every now and then she proves me wrong and has something to say.
for the most part i feel like she could care less.
my year commitment is up in july and i do not see myself moving forward with this.
the question is do i wait until the year is up?
part of me says yes- i made a commitment for a year and i should honor it.
but it is hard for me to find the time.
i don't look forward to it.
i am ashamed to say that most of the time i dread it.
i know that part of the lesson i could learn here is to persevere. to stick with it. to fulfill my commitment.
but is it really worth it? for her? for me?
but when i think about actually having to say that i don't want to do it anymore it makes me feel ill.
won't it feel just as bad in july?

this isn't what i thought it would be.
and no one can solve this problem but me.
i am just so torn about it.

sometimes you just need to go home

for the health and safety of those i love, i will be leaving town tomorrow.
for the last week i have been pretty consistently at my boiling point...at times way beyond it.
i am hormonal.
or projecting.
or over analyzing.
or whatever the fuck i am doing.
the point is i have been in a shit mood for no apparent reason and it needs to stop.
i have been a miserable person for most people to be around.
thank you for being sweet and not mentioning it.
or tip toeing around it to not incur my seemingly completely unwarranted rant.



tonight i got off work.
dropped erin off.
had a beer with sarah at the brewery.
went to the gym.
changed.
got on the bike.
road it for 10 minutes....
bored.
got on the elliptical for 25.
bored
did only the arms portion of my old circuit routine.

if you don't know i have a stress fracture in my foot.
and i am being a huge baby about it.
if i am projecting my feelings it is probably because of this.
not because it is painful...it is just a pain in the ass.
it has me super pissed.
i still go to the same location as i did when i could attend classes.
that is where i see the people i know.
i have to be somewhat held accountable.
i hate that i can't do the classes. i hate being in charge of my own workout every time i go to the gym.
i like the mindlessness of classes.
i am proud that i am still going. it is important to keep the habit going.
i just feel like i got screwed.
like i was finally getting somewhere and now i can't keep going full speed ahead because of this stupid bump in the road.

see.
i am bitter.
and ranting.
after the gym jill and i went to dinner.
she very sweetly, i think as only jill can do, told me that i am going to explode if i stay at this stress level.

i think another thing is work.
today we let go two more members of upper management.
two that worked in our office and that i have known better than any other upper management that has been let go.
it felt very close before.
it feels real now.
i don't think i have a lot of reason to worry about my position.
this change into online could have saved my ass.
i do know that something will happen.
we all know.
they told us essentially that people were going to lose their jobs.
used terminology that you hear in sitcoms and on dateline....streamline, offshore, out source, restructuring.
things you never want to read in an email from a higher up.
the layoffs have begun.
it would be stupid to not see something coming.
it is just a question of where and who.
that scares the shit out of me.
i cannot imagine what the next month or two is going to feel like.
even the first round of layoffs i went through a few years ago didn't feel like this.
i didn't know as many people then.
and certainly didn't know them this well.
and even though i think i will be okay i just can't help but think in the back of the mind of what i am going to do if it is me.

car payments.

growing up.

so anyway...
obviously i have a lot on my mind.
so i am going to take myself out of it all for a weekend.
and go home.
and relax.
and unwind.
and be with my parents.
not to mention the 3 hours each way.
there is nothing quite like singing your heart out in a car.
maybe with a friend. maybe alone.
i hope i can drive with the windows down.


i am sorry i am missing out loren's birthday.
and i hope she will understand.
knowing loren she will.

i hope you enjoy your weekend.
with a little love from the mama, i will be less explosive the next time you hear from me.

until then....

spring preview

it is supposed to be damn near 60 today.
i only know this because EVERYONE has been talking about it.
i have also been interested because today is splutschnik day.
if you don't know, ask.
basically it is a pub crawl downtown that will require being exposed to the elements...or in the case of today, a ridiculously wonderful gift from mother nature.
it is 10:35. i woke up at 8:44 and finished watching the movie i fell asleep watching around 10:30 last night.
the virgin suicides.
love the book. love the movie.
then i got up to do my saturday morning dilly dallying in time to still go get some coffee, read a little and meet up with sarah for some thing she yelled into the phone while at a fairly loud bar last night. something about free facials and recycling. i am so in.
there is sun pouring into my bedroom and now slowly leaking across the dining room floor.
i let the cats out to get some fresh air.
i am going to go get some fresh air myself.

i hope you enjoy this day.

just a quickie.

what is the first artist on your ipod?
mine is a.c. newman.
i like him all right, but rarely ever chose to listen to him.
maybe it is because every time i accidentally hit artist one too many times he pops on.
it isn't his fault, but i think i am starting to hate him for it.
this just happened, that is why i mention it.
i just listened to the new bird and the bee album.
and while i was trying to go back for seconds i got a little trigger happy and on came my boy a.c..
he messed up my pallet.
but not for long. i am back in new music heaven.
i have been listening to tracks as they released them.
but there is nothing like an album. from start to finish.

thanks bradley for sending it my way.
i am a big dork for them.
the album is great. if you liked them before you will love them now.
if you all ready loved them then do it right...loud and with wine.

anyway...i didn't get on here to bitch. i just had a little down time and figured i would share some art shits with you. so i bitched. i will show you pictures and then who knows what wonders await you! i could be amazing or i could want to go to bed after the captions....
we shall see.

okay...so...
first things first. sometime before christmas (maybe the obama party?) i acquired a unfinished piece of a friends. it is an old window frame that has had several layers of indoor paint layered on it. it has always just kind of intimidated me and stayed tucked away. so sunday i got it out. and got at it.




this is what it looked like before i started. and that is bacon's tail












this is in the lower right corner.
acrylic and scratching the crap outta some paint


















these are all the paint chips from what i scraped hot glued together in the center













she is in the upper left corner.
all her "hair" was scraped off with a pairing knife and an exacto knife. it took a long time and i did not care to find a faster way to do it.










i am not done yet. it will still be a while.
i will show you the whole thing when i am done.

i was going to show you the crafts from christmas, but i am tired.
i will go for round three of the bird and the bee. headphones. electric blanket.
i can only think of one thing that would make it better...

good night.
i hope you are staying warm.
it's a bitch out there.

cliches and confessions of a crazy cat woman

i chose to listen to air, instead of the usual sigur ros that i would listen to while blogging, in an attempt to keep from hyper ventilating.
sometimes i cry when i blog.
most of the time it is after a touch too much wine, but not tonight.
tonight is just fucking hard.

often times the hardest decision to make is the best.

i am not at home. ever.
i used to be here to sleep at least.
but that still wasn't cutting it.
recently i have not been home at all.

the cats have taken over.
and they are not happy.

(i had to change the music back to sigur ros.
i need to just feel it and process it and let it all fall into place.)

i have never seen animals so starved for love as i have seen my cats.
especially clem.
she was always such a spoiled girl. always with someone around to love her.
bacon was spoiled as a kitten, but also spent time alone while liz was traveling.
clem was just spoiled.
when it came time for the two of them to share me it got hard. and since then it has gotten harder.

they are not happy and they show me.

if you love something let it go.

i have been thinking lately about what i am going to do.
i can't just stay away and ignore these sweet souls that i have signed on to care for.
i cannot keep them, although they are unhappy, simply because i love them.
that is not love.

this has been eating my soul.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

this is the first time i have had to make a decision to give a pet away because someone else can offer it a better life than i can.
and i thought it hurt with boyfriends.
shit.

tonight i was sharing my feelings about my little underloved lovies with loren.
tonight she shared with me that she has been seriously thinking about getting one.

everything happens for a reason.

it falls into place too well. i know she would love her and take care of her and never neglect her or do her wrong.
i would still get to see her.

loren is going to think about it.

i got home tonight and held clem for fifteen minutes.
like she loves to be held.
like a little person.
like i used to hold her everyday.
and i pet her.
and she gave me kisses.
and i just fucking cried.

and i am just fucking crying now.



my mom put our last family dog to sleep on monday.
taxi.
we have always had a dog.
i have not cried about it yet.
well, until now.


and i think about these animals.
and i think about how much i love them.
and how important their happiness is to me.
and i wonder how parents do it.


goodnight friend.

thank god that one is over.

this year has been quite the year.
it was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least.
next year i am hoping for higher lows and in return i will take lower highs.
i started therapy in january of last year.
more for someone else than for myself.
i have ended the year being so thankful for taking this step.
am i crazy? of course i am.
is it a problem? only if i let it be.
i have my first appointment of the new year tomorrow.
i started this blog last year.
clemintine fell into my life and has been overly lovey and putting holes in everything since the first time i saw her.
allison's wedding.
gretchen and i moved into our apartment.
renee's wedding.
liz came home.
reed.
thank god liz came home.
bronson and i walked separate ways for the last time.
i faced lonely again.
i faced jealousy again.
i felt like i was starting new again.
i was no longer a part of a life the life i had lead for so long.
a life that was comfortable-not happy.
i turned to a new path to try and find a piece of the puzzle that i have been longing to get to work on.
devin. i still think about you often.
liz moved to brooklyn.
bacon has taken permanent residence with me, but will always be liz's cat.
obama won the election.
a moment in life i will never forget and can't imagine a better memory for it.
amanda's wedding.
the best hungover day on the couch ever.
my car constantly giving me shit.
and people constantly breaking in to take my shit.
and then buying a new car.

and then the holidays...
pumpkin carving and the four of us being single at once (but not for long).
a new person in my life.
another successful mem's thanksgiving.
a lovely itiscoldoutsidesogetyourassesinsideanddrink party.
new friends.
old friends.
going home for the longest that i have been at home since my parents moved.
seeing ALL of my family.
my grandma asking when i was going to bring home my boyfriend.
the feeling of asking that question to myself.
the looks on my families faces when they opened their hand made gifts.
the first time i held reed and he smiled at me.
the things that fall out of three year old's mouths.
being surrounded by so much love and still feeling like something is missing for me.
losing it on new years and realizing that i do not have a good grip on things.
being embarrassed by my actions.
being scared of the future.
making adult decisions and feeling the reactions to my actions with more strength than ever before.

2009 should be an interesting one.

happy new year friends.

christmas....part one

i am home.
i grew up most of my childhood in leawood, but then my parents moved to nixa,mo when i graduated from college. now home is where the parents are.
most of my extended family lives in springfield and the towns that surround it, so it makes for a busy, busy holiday schedule. this year all of my parents siblings and all of their kids and all of their kids kids are home, so there is a ton of family in town.
i got here yesterday around 11:40. i got out of my car and directly into my sister's car with bella-my three year old niece, reed- my four month old nephew, my mother and my sister. after struggling to get bella strapped in for way too long we were off to meet my mom's best friend for lunch "in town" (springfield) and i was squished into the third seat of my sister's SUV. i learned quickly that baby boy will giggle at me if i make kissey faces at him and read bella a book.
i can't explain how amazing it is to see him. just being him. a normal little guy.
no tubes.
no machines.
no looming fear.

we ate at mexican villa.
we drove back to nixa.
at 4:45 heather and i decided it was time for wine.
i finished two paintings, one for a cousin and one for my granny.
then my cousins (torre and her daughter alex) came over to bake and love on the babies. so at this point there are nine of us in a fairly small space. we were all tripping over each other and cats and dogs and presents and god knows what else.
heather and torre made a peppermint cake, that when completed (which it still is not) will look like a 3D santa standing up.
when the cake was done baking torre called us over to "smell him".
mom decided that we needed to write a song entitled "come and smell him" to the tune of "come all ye faithful".
this is why i love my family.
i sprawled out on the living room floor and alex (15 y.o.) came and sat on me and then bella sat on my legs behind her.
and then bella told alex she had a big bottom.
amazing. i love three year olds.
after that bella wanted to ride me like a pony. i told her i was pooped.
she checked my pants and informed me that i had not pooped.
thank you bella.
after this torre and alex left and we had some time to kill.
my dad's best friend has grown out his long white beard this holiday season and has been playing santa at various events around town.
tonight he would be making a special stop at our house to see bella.
while waiting for him to come we put on some big band christmas tunes and bella insisted that we all get up and "shake our booties".
she also gave us all christmas names.
she picked snowflake for my dad.
i nearly pissed myself.
while snowflake was not his first choice, he danced anyway as he is putty in her teeny tiny little hands.
after i, red reindeer, had damn near broken a charleston-induced sweat the doorbell rang.
bella answered it with dad and there he was....santa.
she jumped into his arms and gave him a huge hug and kept patting his back.
as precious as it was, i couldn't help but think how easy it would be to kidnap children during the holidays.
all you need is a beard and a santa suit.
i am horrible. i know.
after santa left bella recounted the whole thing for us. and then informed us that "that santa was a different one".
smart little girl. but she didn't care.
i excused myself to the office/bedroom to inflate my bed before they put the kids down.
i returned to the living room in time to catch a conversation about your favorite product and mine, the shamwow.
dad wants one.
"i wish i had one. i don't know why i just don't dial the number one of these nights"
i wish i knew he wanted one, because i would have bought him one just so i could spill shit and clean it up and see if it really is as amazing as i hope it is.
i got my christmas pajamas for the year....snow globes from across the country.
pretty impressive.
the kids went to sleep and we talked about how lucky we all are to have everyone home this year and how it will probably never happen again.
how heather and tony will not always come home.
and how i may, at some point, have another family to keep in mind.
or as i put it "at some point some one may be crazy enough to marry my dumb ass"
i finally retired to my room around 11 and wrapped presents for today...christmas with dad's side at grandma's.

christmas: part one- act one
mom had to be at grandma's at nine to start breakfast. i wanted to go with her so i could see my cousin brooke that was in town from NYC with her husband and baby for as long as possible. we would be leaving at 8:30. i informed my sister and brother in law that i would need to shower in the morning. as in a i am going early and i need to shower first situation. mom said she would wake me up at 8:00.
i set my alarm for 7:45.
i woke up.
sister was in the shower.
i get in the shower, get dressed and come out and my dad is like are you ready?
obviously i am not.
my hair is soaking wet in a towel and i am sure my face was less than amused.
i ask what time it is.
8:20
i inform him that he is 10 minutes early and that i would be ready when i said i would at 8:30.
they still needed to run an errand that mom thought he ran yesterday.
i am annoyed.
i will ride with heather and tony.
we get there and it is a house full! grandma, uncle tom, brooke, bobby, elizabeth cate, aunt cathy, shelby, carlie, kayla, kelsy, uncle tracy, aunt verlene, hannah, caitlin, mom, dad, heather, tony, reed, bella and i.
the majority of the list above ranges in ages 16 years-4 months. there were bodies everywhere.
and then it happened...
for the first time in twenty six years...
my grandma turned to me and said "so, where is your boyfriend?"
i am the last of the granddaughters (over 16) that does not have a husband, or a kid, or both.
it kinda stung all though i know she never meant it to.
the little girls sat at the kids table.
the adults sat in the dining room and i sat at the kitchen table, where i usually sat with brooke and our other cousin sarah, who was not there yet.
my uncle tracy commented on me being at the in-between table.
LISTEN HERE ASSHOLES! i am a fucking adult.
i am a single, childless, twenty six year old adult.
i spent the rest of my morning wandering through grandma's house, latching onto a conversation here and there, picking up babies and handing them off and getting things for the little girls.
i felt kinda weird. like everyone else had a partner and i didn't.
it felt like a chapter out of one of our chick lit book club reads.
i still don't know if i am proud or upset.
once my last two cousins arrived from work we opened presents.
it is so odd how prepared for death my grandmothers seem.
(both my grandfathers have been gone for quite some time.)
always making comments about how it is better to give us this or that now, rather than when they are dead, so they can see us open it.
this year it was her quilts.
these are her most prized possessions.
she gave the littlest girls their sunbonnet sue quilts.
all of us older girls got them for our 13th christmases.
it is sad to think that she won't be here for theirs.
that they have to have them now because who knows about next year.
it is heart wrenching to think of the holidays without these amazing women.
reed got a different kind of quilt. one with little farmer men on it, as a sunbonnet sue is not fitting for our little man.
then grandma gave all of the rest of us a quilt from her collection.
i got a neck tie quilt.
i love it.
grandma also gave caitlin and hannah (who are 16 and 14) the book about her that she gave the rest of us a few years ago.
i sat down and read caitlins...i don't know if i ever read mine all the way through.

i didn't know my great grandpa used to play santa at church.
i always forget my grandma's first name is mary, not rosalee as i know her.
she is named after her grandmas, mary and rosa.
i asked where the lee came from.
she doesn't know.
but it was passed down to my father, michael lee and to me, terra lee.
as we passed the picture of she and her sister as children she began to talk about how much she misses barb, who passed away last year. that barb would call her everyday, usually in the morning because she knew that grandma would be out the door running around all day. i almost lost it.
i read about my grandpa dale. about their long distance courtship while he was in the navy. about how he proposed. about the first things he said to her when he saw her again. about the man he was while he was alive and how hard it was to lose him so young.
i can't help but cry as i write this now, tucked back in my little corner, with my headphones on scrambling to record these memories before they fade away.

this christmas feels different.
this christmas is different.
and it is different mainly for the reason that it feels like after this one it will never be the same.

it is bittersweet.
and a lot to take all on my own.
sometimes i really wish i had a partner in all of this...